Is this typical 4 year old or am I a bad mum?

[Hdieonfjc]

4 year old always complains that nothing is good enough, some examples from today

I asked if they wanted to watch the second lion King and explained that it was different to the lion King they have watched before, they said yes then 5 minutes in are crying and shouting at me because its the wrong one and they didn't want to watch this one.

Her beans were hot and I told her to blow them got met with "I don't want to blow them, you do it youve made hot on purpose" and more tears

I played doctors with her before for about 30 minutes, gave plenty of warning that I had to go do some jobs in 10 5 2 minutes etc. And then when I said right that's enough I just get "you never play with me" and half an hour of sulking.

I just feel like constantly atm nothing is good enough for her, she just constantly sulks and tells me I'm a rubbish mum and everything is unfair.

Is this normal? I do try and play something with her morning and afternoon and I try to take her out somewhere on the weekends but I'm really ill today and just can't face going out the house, maybe being ill is making me extra sensitive but I just feel like crying because it doesn't seem to matter what I do 4 year old finds a reason to tell me it isn't good enough.

It sounds to me as if you are doing great. 4 is a gruelling age... sending hugs

All normal. Mine are still doing it to me at 13 ...well the 17 year old has grown out of it but my 13 year old is always telling me how I never spend any time with her, never talk to her, never do ANYTHING for her.

It's all bollocks of course. I spend time with her daily, talking about her interests and hopes and dreams. HOURS A DAY FFS!

However...they do grow out of it. Some sooner than others. But you're basically going to be a crap person for a good many years yet I'm afraid!

It sounds totally normal. She is only 4. She is not telling you you are not good enough, she doesn't have the rational reasoning ability to allow her to think that way. She is still very egocentric and sees things her way only, she cannot see things from your point of view just yet. Don't take it to heart.

Typical four year old! My youngest DC is the same. I play and play and read and paint with him yet 2 minutes into reading my book or doing chores "muuuum you never play with me! IM BORED!"
It's good for them to play on their own it encourages dependency and imagination etc.

*indecency even, they don't need to be more dependent 😂

I am going to be following this as I have wondered this sometimes too...my DD is 4 too and can be like that sometimes and an angel when she decides she is in the mood for it

My 5 year old is exactly like this. My older two 10 & 9 are a little better but also get bored very easily and won't sit and watch a film etc.

She sounds a bit high octane.
What do you say when she says ‘you made the beans hot on purpose’ - do you apologise, ignore or say ‘why would I want to do that?’ ‘Don’t be silly - blow on them or wait until they cool’ or ‘I haven’t got time to play silly games about beans with a 4 year old’. My mum would have said ‘don’t want them then?’ and whipped them away (she was ill and had a million kids, pets and elderly parents to look after).

Explain and shrug off- otherwise you will find you spending your life apologising! What a about when she is older and the demands get bigger?!

It's normal.

Just ignore the negativity and carry on, don't give it any attention.

When she's being positive, lots of attention and interest.

Try and steer the conversation in a positive direction when you can.

Mine is like this sometimes. I tend to turn it back on her - “Yes, your lunch is hot. You can either blow on it or wait quietly for a few minutes, up to you.” “[re I’m bored] Your toys and books are over there, mum is reading quietly now” or whatever.

Very normal.

And has she just started school?

Four can be a very challenging age.

Deep breaths, you're doing great.

I know her behaviour can be challenging but it's all normal so try to roll with it, it will pass, honest.

Thank you everyone, yes she has just started school. When she says stuff like the beans are hot and it's my fault I tend to say something along the lines of "oh dear, either blow them or don't eat them" I try to ignore the blame game entirely and when she's saying she's bored and I never do anything and I just tell her the things that we have done, tell her all the things she can be doing if she's bored and tell her why I'm not playing right now. When she's talking about stuff or showing me stuff I always try and be interested and ask her questions.

Ignore the bad, praise the good. Its just hard when you are constantly criticised even though I know it isn't malicious ifyswim

Sounds normal to me! I woukd be challenging the "made them hot on purpose" comment though.

Is she tired? I might consider going to bed a bit earlier of she is always grumpy.

Well, Mum... DID you make the beans hot on purpose?
😂 Completely normal 4 year old! You're doing just fine.

Read 'hie to talk so little kids will listen' game changer.

Bless you, they do do that. If you're ill maybe she too is coming down with something? My 5 year old is completely like this when getting a cold.

My 4 year old is like this sometimes too.
She has just started school so it's been worse the last week or so as she is tired.

In my experience they are absolute dicks for the first term of school. Tired, lots of changes and they take it out on the person closest to them.

Tell her that she is not being kind
Tell her she has the choice of being kind or not
Explain that the consequence of her making the choice to say unkind things is to upset people and make them feel sad
Explain people won’t like her if she chooses to be unkind to them and she will have no friends

Totally normal. 4 year olds are the most selfish people on the planet. They do get better.

This is normal and you are doing fine. Just keep the emotion out of any brief responses you give and ignore the follow on moans and tantrums.

I think it’s normal. My kids sometimes have moods where I’m blamed for everything. You’re doing nothing wrong. I find that if I keep talking about it gets worse (they moan more, I get frustrated). Better to change the subject (mummy has to do jobs but why don’t you help me?).

@insancerre

Tell her that she is not being kind Tell her she has the choice of being kind or not Explain that the consequence of her making the choice to say unkind things is to upset people and make them feel sad Explain people won’t like her if she chooses to be unkind to them and she will have no friends

This is a bit harsh. Way too much emotional load for a 4 year old. She needs to learn emotional regulation but not that she must put everyone else's needs above her own. She's expressing honestly what she feels, empathy takes time to learn. Telling her she won't have friends is dreadful.

Sounds completely normal. But you can try to take control of the narrative.

When my DC complains about stuff like the hot beans (or a broken biscuit or something like that, I tend to say something like "well, if you don't want it, I'll have it and we can make you some spinach" (not a favourite here).

For the TV, I'd say "OK, if you don't want to watch this, Mummy is going to watch cooking programmes instead".

"If you'd like to moan, please take Teddy into the hallway and moan to him instead", is a popular one.

For the bored/play with me one, I say, "Mummy needs to do chores now. You can either play with your toys or come and clean the kitchen floor for me, your choice". Sometimes DC chooses the kitchen floor - win, win . My parents were big on the "if you're bored, tidy your room" one... never failed. Another chore I give my DC is to go out and cut the grass with a pair of scissors... they love that for some reason.