To have let this happen (emotional abuse)?

[Amug]

I think I have realised that I am the victim of emotional abuse by my husband and father of my children. Its taken me quite a while to come to this realisation and I’m in shock. I’ve known things weren’t right for a while but kept trying to justify things.

This week I was saying I felt unloved and unsupported and was told that if I was better (basically didn’t call him out on hurtful behaviour) then I would find I was more loved and supported. It just felt so wrong to me and it all sort of fitted together.

I have a good job, supportive family and friends. I’ve always seen myself as pretty strong. This has happened over a few years and I hadn’t really noticed. I’m shocked that this has happened. How has this happened to me?

They grind you down OP. It's insidious. Over a period of time. In my work I've done extensive training on domestic abuse, yet still married a man who was controlling,manipulative, and emotionally abusive. I knew all this when I married him. And then had children with him. It sounds absolute madness putting it like that but people who haven't experienced it are on no position to judge.

I found relate, alone, very helpful along with CBT.

The boiling frog analogy applies here.

Don't waste time beating yourself up.

Now you know,

Get some therapy.
Alert friends and family.
Look at your finances.
Make practical plans to leave.
See a solicitor for advice.
Disengage emotionally so that he has less power over you.

Do the above, empower yourself, and make your decision as it suits you.

You have this.
Do the

Thank you. It helps to feel I’m not alone and have some non-judgmental support.

Billy1966 got it. Detach emotionally get your affairs in order. Give yourself love and reassurance with a stream of positive self talk. Try doing the same to him and see how he likes it- if he complains state that you are just behaving how he does.

These two programmes are incredibly helpful at understanding and healing from abuse like this.

www.carolinestrawson.com/

www.melanietoniaevans.com/

You're stronger than you think

Keep posting OP, so many women have gone through this and will guide you as you grow in confidence.

There are some great long threads on here from wonderful posters that like you, suddenly realised that they were in an emotionally abusive relationship and took action.

Their growth has been extraordinary.

One at the moment includes the word "Geller" in the heading.

That posters journey is truly extraordinary.

Her original thread is nearly a year on.

Keep posting.

How has this happened to me?
It happens because abusive people aren't all stupid and they hide who they are at the beginning. If he had been honest with you at the start, you wouldn't have got involved with him.
If you look back to the early days there may have been some tests he used, to see where your boundaries were.

Now you know what he is really like, its time to look forwards.

Thank you all for your kind words. I will look at all the links you have shared.

At the moment I keep going between feeling so angry at myself for getting myself so far into this (married with sc) and doubting that it really is that bad and wondering if I had been better if it would have made a difference. But I think deep down I know I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love and care.