Feeling mean but right

[ginislife]

I was a foster carer. They're now over 18 and with me long term on a stay put agreement. Back in April I ended up taking in their older sister as she was going to be homeless on a BH weekend. 23, anxiety & MH issues apparently - although it's more like she's just never ever had to do anything for herself which has triggered the anxiety. She was also in care up to age 18. Has no concept of day to day life it seems. Does very little round the house but pays no rent. On minimum Uc. I have now got her a job which she starts beginning of October which should be an amazing opportunity for her and she is excited about it.

The dilemma now is, she has a fiancé, nice enough lad on the surface, who seems to come from a disrupted back ground. Father in prison, mother with a different partner who he doesn't get on with. Kicked him out before last Christmas and been living in a HMO which is only a step up from a hostel where there are some pretty awful characters living who are now threatening him - apparently. "The kids" want him to come and live with us so he's safe but I've said no. My reasons are: he's a weed smoker, I don't want it at my home, I'm not sure I'm very keen on him - but how do I tell them that ? I can't put my finger on why not either. He goes to college 30 miles away. How's he going to pay to get there ? I'm suspicious he's making it up to get to move In with her - but I've not said this as it may not be true. I'm a cynic though. I'm already massively subsidising 2 kids, a sister who is a whole other thread not yet created, and tonight I had my friends partner texting me for her share of the rent on a rental property 2 weeks early cos he's skint. I just feel like a cash cow !!!! I've said no to him moving in and now I feel mean. What if something happens ? I have said he's not my responsibility and he should go make it up with his mother - but I don't think that would happen.
I'm a nice middle class woman who has never known what hardship is like though although I can imagine living in his HMO is shit.
Advice please. But be gentle. I feel mean.

You sound lovely. I always trust my instincts- I'd trust yours too. Also you're never the only cog in the wheel- he could get some advice from CAB, he could stop smoking weed, he could go to the housing department of his council, talk to his college. What I'm saying is there's lots of other people in his life- even if it seems there aren't and you're doing the right things focusing on your girls x

I don't think you're mean. You've got to protect yourself so you are in a position to protect three young people. If that means saying no to a fourth (!) that's the way it's gotta be.

Your friend's partner wants you to stump up money too? Why on earth does he think you're a suitable person to ask? That one's a definite no unless there's some really convoluted backstory that makes it reasonable.

@Cactuslove you have articulated it so much better than me ! This is sort of what I said. That he's not my responsibility and that he needs either his own mother to step up (easier said than done I know when she's already kicked him out and then chucked the girl out at 6.30 on Easter Sunday with nowhere to go) or he needs to speak to whoever he rented from to get a move, or to the council to be rehoused - again so much easier to say when you're not living it I know. I'm really bothered that if I say yes they'll be here for years. 6 months has already fled by. And where will he sleep ? She's in a single bed in the spare room.

I'd block the 'friend's boyfriend' for a start. Cheeky cunt.

And then you do need to stick to your guns. It might give the eldest the push she needs to get on well with her job because she's saving to move in with him (and then it fizzles out before it comes to that, hopefully), but most importantly, you aren't a rehabilitation unit for adults feeling lost - foster parent to the younger ones, fair enough, but that doesn't mean you have to take in every lost soul they have a connection with.

I'd stress you are really pleased to be able to maintain your relationship with your foster dc, and help them move on to independence.

That you are a foster carer and under a higher level of scrutiny than most people.

That you aren't allowed to have additional people move in, are required to have a certain level of accommodation for your young people, and that you will eventually have other dc placed with you, when your current crop have moved on to independent living.

You can be clear, I think, that you have taken on this responsibility and are offering support to your foster children. That it was unusual that you were able to accommodate their sister, and will help her move on to independent as well.

However you are now officially 'full' and can't support anyone else.

There's a typical lack of boundaries in the lives of young people who end up in care, and demonstrating healthy boundaries is actually part of your role.

One of my little fosters saw a lost, crying child in the supermarket and told him he could come with us, that I am 'mummy'. He had a sort of 'she's the universal mum, come with us, she'll look after you' kind of expectation!

@picklemewalnuts I'm not a foster carer anymore. I resigned a couple of months ago. They wouldn't send a younger child to live with the 18 year old as he's high maintenance and would be jealous of any attention given to another child so there was no point staying registered as he's going nowhere. He's been with me 5 years though and has blossomed after being in shite foster homes previously. I regret his sister couldn't come and live with us then as she'd be a very different girl now - but I'll get her there. I love both of them. The fiancé just feels a step too far.
Completely agree the friends partner is a cf. The tone of his text is very entitled. I've not sent him any money but I have checked she's ok. I was bothered he wanted it for gambling or booze and she didn't know - although he's not the type but you never know. She didn't know he'd asked but she says she's ok. I've not sent it but have offered we sell the house.