How to have a more positive personality and chill the hell out.

[veryanonymous]

I am overthinking my interactions with colleagues. I started a new job just before lockdown and we’re still not back in the office. So all communication is virtual.

Where I think improvements could be made, I try to be helpful and make thoughtful suggestions but I worry it comes across as critical or pushy.

When I decide to just keep my mouth shut I worry I come across as unhelpful / not bringing anything to the table.

When I try to reach out and be friendly I think I seem annoying or weird. But when I keep to myself I worry I seem stand offish.

I think people are being ‘off’ with me lately and I just don’t know what to do to improve myself, feels like whatever I do or say it will be the wrong thing. I spend ages deliberating on emails or whether to contribute to emails and the moment I open my mouth or send a message I think “God I shouldn’t have done that / said it like that” it’s like the critical voice in my head will not shut up.
I suppose I am quite a critical person. I wish I was less of a pessimist and thought more positively about things- maybe if I could achieve this I would be more at peace with myself and also with everyone else.

Any tips welcome.

I'm like this too so I can fully sympathise. Things may improve as you get more confident in your role, doing your job and with your colleagues. When the bad things you imagine may happen never actually materialise. If not, have a look at social anxiety disorder and possibly getting some CBT. Good luck. X

Snap, Stargazer, came here to recommend CBT.

OP - stop beating yourself up!
The symptoms you describe are more common than you might think. Many people suffer from similar, but of course it's not usually discussed openly, as it would be an embarrassing or impossible conversation to have.

CBT is very helpful with the kind of "overthinking" you have described.
Your GP can help you access a course, or if it is affordable for you, help you find a a reputable private therapist.

It's a debilitating condition to suffer from, & will be holding you back in so many ways. So please remember that this overthinking is not you - it is a symptom of some internal malady or misfire, is fairly common, & there ARE tools out there which are proven to help.

You need some relief from the hard work & self-doubt this condition is putting you under, so reach out & get some help. You will likely feel a little better as soon as you do so - taking action often soothes anxious thoughts.

This is me too.
I have taken to having lunch alone as I worry what people think about me

Oh Pumpkin ...

Nice as solo lunching often is, I hope you too look into accessing a course of CBT.

There is a book called “the life changing magic of not giving a fuck”
Agree with CBT to talk this all through with someone to help you gain perspective

Sometimes you try really hard to get people to like you when you aren't actually that bothered about them and don't even want them as a friend, it's just that you don't want them to dislike you. Being disliked seems awful but really what does it matter if you don't want to be friends with that person anyway. When I think of the people at my work there's only a few of them that I would really like to be friends with, a few treasured acquaintances, as Sheldon would say, and the rest are just people I would not want to upset as they never did me any harm, but I don't really care about their opinion that much or want to spend time with them, then one or two I actively dislike. If you stop trying to please all the people you don't actually care about that much it's way easier. I mean I am polite and helpful but if they took something I said the wrong way it doesn't matter.

Hello, starting a new job whilst working remotely is really hard.

Can I suggest that you focus in on one person who you think you have the best rapport with, and ask? The best way is to say that it would be hugely helpful for you to get feedback on meeting x last week as you want to make sure you are operating in line with company culture and norms.

Making yourself a bit vulnerable like this is scary, but an excellent way to build rapport and trust. If you pitch it as you wanting to ensure your professional development it makes it less personal and more useful to you.

I'd also start looking for a mentor (outside of your line management chain) who can be your guide and mentor. It's good practice always to have a mentor with whom you can discuss difficult /challenging topics and with help to navigate politics. People are often flattered to be asked, so don't be shy.

I'm sure you're overthinking it but external perspective will help you to validate that and increase your confidence.

Good luck!

Also came to say CBT, it really works for this (from experience)

I sympathize hugely. I am critical but not to people's faces. This week a colleague left and in her leaving email she made some reference about being nice to each other which I felt very acutely was aimed at me although in two years of working together I have only vaguely criticized another member of the team to her in a private message and it was wholly justified criticism which i had also spoken to the person concerned about. I do try to be positive on the work group chat and always willing to help others but some of the chat is just so self seeking, people seeming to need praise just for basically doing their job, people bragging about gifts they've received from clients. just for doing their job etc. I tend to just stay out of this kind of thing so it may look like I'm not praising them enough but it makes me cringe.

@Babyroobs

I sympathize hugely. I am critical but not to people's faces. This week a colleague left and in her leaving email she made some reference about being nice to each other which I felt very acutely was aimed at me although in two years of working together I have only vaguely criticized another member of the team to her in a private message and it was wholly justified criticism which i had also spoken to the person concerned about. I do try to be positive on the work group chat and always willing to help others but some of the chat is just so self seeking, people seeming to need praise just for basically doing their job, people bragging about gifts they've received from clients. just for doing their job etc. I tend to just stay out of this kind of thing so it may look like I'm not praising them enough but it makes me cringe.

Sorry I should also add when I say I am not critical to people's faces i rarely say anything to others in the team. I might sound of to dh or other friends but not other work colleagues.