These sentences are different.

[AndTime]

AIBU to think these sentences are not the same.

So what was actually sent via message:

Was that hot? Can I go hotter?

To which I replied: I can handle it hotter, not every time, I wouldn't want to blow my tongue off every time but I can take it if you want it hotter.

Now DP had taken offence because I have said his curry isn't hot enough.

In his head what he asked was;

Was that hot enough or can I go hotter for you?

So my response apparently confirmed that it wasn't hot enough and I would prefer more spice.

AIBU to say that what he actually asked me is definitely not the same as what he thinks he asked and regardless my response is clear that I was already happy with the heat but could accommodate more if it's his preference?

The actual conversation wasn't about curry, however it works exactly the same way in the conversation, so my AIBU is literally about the question asked. So please don't suggest adding yogurt to the plate

I'm fine, we had sex that I thought was great and really enjoyed.

I am just bemused that from the question and response that actually happened he seems to think it wasn't enough for me.

But as someone else pointed out, he actually asked permission to go rougher which would suggest it's him that wanted more.

So really we were both happy but now think the other wasn't.

Your OH seems to have communication problems that involve writing and reading skills.
You can tell him that.

But he also needs to be more direct on what he asks.
And he needs to stop taking offense even if you do tell him that sex could be better. That's a yellow flag for me.

Surely this is one situation where you need a clear and frank discussion of what is and isn’t ok not some cryptic back and forth. You can’t guess another person’s boundaries.

"he had previously mentioned in conversation that his ex let him do whatever he wanted so now I feel pressured to live up to that standard too."

You know this is really not ok? Sex shouldn't be about one person 'doing whatever they want' its about mutual pleasure! And feeling pressured to do anything shouldn't come into it

I have told him that he didn't ask me what he thinks he asked and he thinks I am just being pedantic.

That's why I have asked here, because I am confident in my reading comprehension and the two sentences, what he asked and what he thinks he asked, are totally different.

Had he said what he actually meant he would have got a totally different answer and all the praise he could handle.

He could be projecting. Thing is, if he didn't enjoy it and wants to go further than you're happy with then maybe you're not compatible. Whatever his ex let him do (and you only have his say so on that) you don't have to let anyone hurt you or do something you're not comfortable with.

Honest communication is what is needed here. Not oblique references that leave you both guessing. Otherwise someone will end up hurt, emotionally or otherwise.

It's not pedantry.
It's on the person asking to ensure that the question is clear for the other person. You're not supposed to be a mind reader.

And this is a conversation to have in person with actual words and tone of voice. Not by text.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

"he had previously mentioned in conversation that his ex let him do whatever he wanted so now I feel pressured to live up to that standard too."

You know this is really not ok? Sex shouldn't be about one person 'doing whatever they want' its about mutual pleasure! And feeling pressured to do anything shouldn't come into it

I have done him a disservice there.

The conversation wasn't about sex, I had asked him something about his past and that was part of the answer. He didn't say well x let me do what I wanted so you should too.

I have just latched onto the comment he made and put pressure on myself.

I never mention my sexual experiences with exes to current partners.
They are not relevant to any current relationship.
And how he phrases it feels like pressure.
He's looking worse by the minute, sorry.

@JulesRimetStillGleaming

He could be projecting. Thing is, if he didn't enjoy it and wants to go further than you're happy with then maybe you're not compatible. Whatever his ex let him do (and you only have his say so on that) you don't have to let anyone hurt you or do something you're not comfortable with.

Honest communication is what is needed here. Not oblique references that leave you both guessing. Otherwise someone will end up hurt, emotionally or otherwise.

He is saying he doesn't want to go rougher, he can't even imagine how he would which is why he is so offended that he can't give me what I need.

Of course it doesn't matter what I say now cos he has decided it wasn't good enough for me.

I think we need an face to face chat. We don't live together yet.

I might be misreading but it sounds as though he is disappointed that he could have been rougher but wasn't?

If you both enjoyed it at the time-why is analysis needed afterwards?

Odd. Talk it out face to face.

Sounds like neither of you were sufficiently enthusiastic in the actual aftermath. Why did he need to ask via text the next day - seems insecure.

Not sure I’d want rough sex with someone I had communication issues with, frankly.

I honestly don't know why it needed to be brought up the next day. I didn't feel we needed some kind of debrief or whatever, I just answered his question.

mixing up curry spices and sex is never going to end well, even with yoghurt :)

Look, my previous post still applies. He asked a question about your sexual preferences and got a clear response. He didnt like it. That is not good enough from him when it comes to rough sex.

It was a red flag when it was about curry. It is now bunting.

I can see how the message could be read either way.
But the lesson to learn from this is not to discuss sex over text/messenger. Do it face to face.

I’d just have a discussion, then chalk this up to poor communication and the limits of texts/messages and have a chuckle about it.