To ask how to overcome guilt

[Sosop]

Hi,
Can anyone help with advice for overcoming crippling guilt of leaving their fiancé?

We were due to be married next year after more than 10 years together. For a long time I felt unhappy, we had sex about once every 2 months and there were a lot of times I felt anxious and like he wasn't treating me well (silent treatment amongst so many other things).
We had incredible times together, a lot of happy memories but increasingly in the last year or 2 I would look at him and think I can't marry this man. We didn't communicate well and I know I'm just as much to blame for a lot of this.

After a really awful month, sleeping in separate rooms etc I ended it. I hadn't planned to do it then specifically but it just came out after he'd ignored me for a week.

This was a few months ago and I've been doing well, but all of a sudden the guilt has smacked me over the head. The guilt for hurting him, regret for not trying again with him when he asked, and then the increasing thoughts of have I made the right decision.

I know deep down those low moments of the past were real, but please can anyone give advice on this. Is it normal to feel such guilt and pain? What can I do?

Thank you x

Giving you the silent treatment for a week sounds really emotionally abusive. Now you're sticking up for yourself for a change, and enforcing the boundary that it's not ok to treat you like that, which in my opinion is a good thing. But it's making you feel guilty? Sounds like over those 10 years he's ground you down, and trained you to put his feelings above your own.

You were uncomfortable in the relationship. He is uncomfortable in the break up. Is his comfort more important than yours?

Thank you for replying.

In the first few months I was so proud of myself for putting myself first and being selfish for once. I was confident in my decision, but after speaking with him for the first time in weeks it's triggered the guilt. So you're right, again I'm putting his comfort and needs before my own. Which is what I did for 10 years.

I think I'm scared of in a few years time really regretting my decision. Even though I know I was unhappy in the relationship.

Silent treatment is awful, it would mentally torture a person! My partner's best friends fiancee admitted to me that she gives her fiance the silent treatment, and it really put me off her. It's so abusive and a vile way to treat someone you claim to love 💔

May I ask, when you say he wasn't treating you well, silent treatment among other things, what were the other things?

So you felt positive about ending an unhappy relationship until you spoke with him again and now you feel crippling guilt?

It sounds like he's controlling you, OP. And he probably has been for a long time. Over time, you won't regret ending it, you'll see more clearly how you were manipulated as the control gradually wears off. Try to avoid any contact with him from now on.

You need to move on and start a new life. Get new hobbies, go out with friends, get busy so you don’t have time to think.

Well done for being brave enough to end it. It took courage but just to go along with things and put up with things just because you’d been together for so long. You BOTH deserve better than that, and the guilt will fade. You might look back with regrets, but when you do, just remind yourself of why it was the right thing to do for you both.
Good luck for the future, I hope it is a happier one.

I left my fiancé 10 weeks before our wedding in 2008. I knew deep down that it was right to do so, I knew I didn’t feel like I should if I was going to marry him, but the guilt was terrible, especially as he was heartbroken.

He would text me and try and get in touch regularly and it always sent me into a spiral of guilt and worry that I had done the wrong thing and thrown away a great guy, even though deep down I knew he was wrong for me. In the end I had to put myself first and cut off all contact with him. It was a shame because we had known each other for many years and been together a long time, but it wasn’t doing me any good feeling constantly guilty or allowing him to move on.

Then, a year or so later, I met my now husband and it solidified for me that i had done the right thing. After that I never felt guilty again, just glad to have done the right thing and not be facing falling in love with someone else whilst in a badly fitting marriage.

It gets better. You’d be a mean person to not feel some guilt, but you know in your heart of hearts that you’ve done the right thing. Many a bad marriage/ugly divorce/horrible home life of the children of relationships could be avoided if everyone had your courage. Good luck.

And FWIW I ran into my ex during the first lockdown (both keyworkers in a similar field) and he thanked me for leaving him all those years ago as “it wouldn’t have been right”. He’s now also married and we’ve both got kids. It was lovely to show each other our kids baby photos and have a laugh about the old times and then hug and know it was in the past. And trust me, this guy was broken when I dumped him, he would call me at 3am and play sad songs down the phone at me... I never thought he would be okay, much less that we would be able to stand in a corridor at work a decade on and joke with one another!

Why is seeing to your own needs selfish? It’s pretty telling you felt fine until you spoke with him. Do you really feel guilty or has he just done a number on you?

I think you’d be better off having no contact with him at all moving forward.

My Grandparents had a marriage like this. Over a lifetime the unpleasant behaviour didn't limit itself to ignoring her, it also became mocking her, confusing her, controlling what she did and undermining her. From what I understand she went from being a bright, vibrant and beautiful young woman, the one who everyone wanted to dance with to someone so frustrated and restricted she needed anti-depressants. She lived for her grandchildren but she had to wait 30 years for that. No one deserves that.
You have done the healthiest thing by leaving now. You gave it plenty of chances, 10 years. Give him his guilt - he persisted in behaviour all humans know is shitty. He made it impossible for your relationship to continue. You chose the best course of action by leaving. Good luck

@Charlene91

Silent treatment is awful, it would mentally torture a person! My partner's best friends fiancee admitted to me that she gives her fiance the silent treatment, and it really put me off her. It's so abusive and a vile way to treat someone you claim to love 💔

May I ask, when you say he wasn't treating you well, silent treatment among other things, what were the other things?

The silent treatment was the worst for me because I'm such a chatty and affectionate person that I craved it from him. So having silent treatment and telling me I didn't deserve to know why he wasn't speaking to me was the worst. Other things were that he would buy me clothes that he liked, ask me to wear my hair in a certain way, not like me wearing my glasses.

He never took the time to get to know my friends or family and I'd always feel over anxious about meeting with them and felt I needed to speak for the two of us when together especially as he'd spend most of the time on his phone (unless I kicked him under the table, but then he'd tell me off afterwards for that).

There's more than this but this summarises a few things. It's actually really helped to write it down on here so I think I'm going to start jotting my thoughts down.

100% right thing to do you can't stay unhappy for someone else, it isn't sustainable and it sounds as if you don't have children so you can separate and focus entirely on your life moving forward.

It's ok to feel grief over the ending of your relationship, it's not how you wanted it to work out. Allow yourself to feel sad and then go enjoy life!

For those mentioning no contact, we're selling our home so had to discuss a few things. Other than that it's been no contact at all. He specifically asked for that, and said he couldn't see me if he was to move on.

@TrampolineForMrKite Wow that's so brave of you to do that, and reassuring to hear it for me too. I've felt alone for a long time but hearing others experiences helps so much. You're right in saying that so many bad and unhappy marriages could've been avoided if people had courage. If I'd have gone through with it I'm sure there would've be children soon after which makes things so much more difficult.

@DieDeutschLehrerin That's so sad to hear that your grandmother went through that for so long. It was more common to stick out marriages years ago wasn't it. What you said about how she changed from bright and vibrant to unhappy is how I've felt. I have put on a brave face and acted to show and pretend my happiness though that no-one ever picked up on it. I wouldn't show my unhappiness or worry to family or friends, but I've learnt now that I need to talk in future.

OP, I hope you really how this sounds? It sounds like he was controlling and abusive. You're not feeling guilty because you don't anything wrong because on some level, you know you done the right thing. You're feeling guilty because you're a good person and you've hurt someone. At the end of the day though, he didn't deserve you at all.

*realise

Sorry

He really knows how to play you. He controlled and emotionally abused you over 10 years. And now you are still feeling bad for him. Write down the reasons you left him - bullet point negative things he did to you. Keep that in a drawer and any time you feel guilty take it out and remind yourself why you ended it. You have done the right thing. Hopefully the house sells soon and you can block him from your life. I wouldn't bother trying to remain friends with him.

Haven't RTFT but whatever your reasons for leaving, wanting out is enough. You might find this helpful https://therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

Also he sounds like a bit of a knobhead! Silent treatment is not on