This is going to be long..
I cannot understand why I can't divorce my H even though my heart screams for me to get out.
Seven years ago he cheated on me. With prostitutes. For a period of two years including the time we were ttc our 2nd dc, and around the time we got married. When I found out I was a sahm of 2 young dc, with no support network at all and completely dependent on him. I decided to stay, we both had councelling separately and he was very remorseful, made all the right moves, said all the right things etc. I believe to this day it hasnt reoccurred.
But it has left a huge dirty spot on our relationship. It's like a stinky secret I can't talk about to anyone. I hate the fact he went out to do something like that, and the fact that he bought sex from a woman who could have been vulnerable.
He also has ADD and the challenges that come with it are driving me insane. He looses keys, doesn't pay bills on time, forgets any doctor's appointment unless I call him several times prior.. The list goes on. He ignores things that need to be fixed like our dc had a broken bed, or our other dc hasn't had a bike since June because of a flat tyre. Unless I nag, scream and shout it doesn't get done. Or I'll just do it myself and build up more resentment.
For understandable reasons our sex life is really bad. Neither of us enjoy it and its kind of a chore that gets dealt with every now again.
On top of this his family is toxic, and they either love me or hate me depending on their mood, and when they are not having a good day I get all sorts of blame. Im a foreigner (European) in this country, so it's usually about me speaking my native language to our kids (how it sounds stupid) or the cultural aspects I bring to the family life, or the housekeeping I do. On top if this they expect me to just swallow up all the insults after sorries are bring said, and help them with all kinds of things like money.
My H can also be quite verbally abusive at times, although he has gotten a bit better after our very many divorce conversations.
I am not in a vulnerable state anymore. I work full time, have a good network of friends and in a much better place in general, and I could realistically separate now. But why can't I?! I feel like I really really want to. I want to find a partner who loves me, I can count on, and have a calm nature relationship with. I'm in my 40s, so I feel like I still could.
My H is obviously not all bad. He cares about our dc, works hard and has sacrificed quite majorly to allow me to do something I wanted to achieve for a long time. On the outside its all fine, and we are OK. We have good family times, healthy lifestyle and the dc are happy. I feel like I can't rock the boat for their sake. Both our dc also have ADHD and I'm very worried how the change if family structure and routines would affect their overall well-being.
It's so hard. I don't know what to do. We nearly divorced this summer, but backtracked because we are worried about the emotional cost it would have on our dc. I'm sure they know its not all great in between us, but I truly don't think that care, because all they need from is is to provide love, security and shelter to grow up.
That's it. I'm sure most of you will tell me to LTB, but it's very hard to tear this all apart..