How to deal with relative who does not stop talking!

[Pugsnotdrugs101]

Hello! This is my first post and I’m just after some advice really. I feel like a horrible person even writing this.
So I have a relative, let’s call her Jane, we’re fairly close and both have 1 young child each the same age so do a lot of social things together (playgroups, park etc)
We’ve become closer since having children, before this I only really saw her at family gatherings etc so her talking was never an issue but ffs, she does not stop talking ever and it’s driving me insane! She talks about herself and her life ALL THE TIME. If I’m taking she will interrupt me and steer the subject back to her, and on the off chance I do manage to get a word in edge ways you can tell all she’s thinking about is what she’s going to say next. She’s constantly asking me (but more expecting me) to have her child and gets nasty if I say no. I feel like she doesn’t think about anyone else as long as she gets what she wants. My husband says this isn’t a friendship but I do want our relationship to continue so I need a way of broaching this with her without upsetting her as she’s very volatile and could fly off the handle. She doesn’t really have any other friends and I really don’t want to upset her so opinions on how to handle this are so welcome. If you’ve read this far, thank you, I feel so much better just writing it all down.

It sounds like she isn’t interested in you at all. Why would you continue a friendship like that?

You want this friendship to continue, you say. Why? What does she give you? Perhaps if you could understand what you want (and if or why she gives you what you want) that would help?

@honeyytoast

Next time she interrupts could you not try jokingly going “oh my gosh, will you let me finish a sentence!” with a laugh - if she remains oblivious say “no I’m actually being serious”

We had a very dear friend who did this and I would start talking about a totally different subject, my daughter said it was hilarious to watch, he never realised.

She won’t let you talk and is nasty when you won’t look after her dc? Why are you friends with her? You say you like her company-why? All you’ve done is complain about her! She sounds like a very self absorbed person.

My dm does the same, interrupts, non-stop talking, all about herself or my db who used to do the same job as my dh, so whenever he says anything about work, my dm interrupts and starts talking about him! Drives my dh nuts, he’s practically stopped making an effort with him then she moans he’s quiet! Because he can’t get a word in edgeways!

I have found putting my hand up helped with one friend like this.
I tried to talk but was usually interrupted, ignored or talked over. After a few times of this happening, at the next meet-up. When it was happening again, I putmy hand up as if I were in school.
It took a while but then she asked why my hand was up. I said I wanted to speak and couldn't find any way of breaking in, so I wasjust signalling that I had something to say when she had time to listen. She laughed and told me to go on. I started speaking and she interrupted so I just put my hand up again.
It has worked pretty well. She still talks a lot, but so do I and it is now more of a conversation. I have on occasion asked' Do I needto put my hand up again?' and she catches on to what she is doing.
In my friend's case, she doesn't get out much and see people so I think it is just pent up conversation and anecdotes that come flooding out.

With one relative if I’m interrupted mid-flow I just open my mouth like a goldfish until they “register” that they have interrupted. That works.

Also adopting something my friend uses: she drops in the word “Anyway” said with some emphasis, and then follows with a random question to change the monologue, such as have you read x book, seen y film etc - that works too.

She sounds like a bloody nightmare and is liable to fly off the handle if you broach any of this with her? Ugh no thanks.....

Really not sure why you want to maintain any kind of relationship with this woman. However, if you must then I don't think she is going to change one little bit! She's clearly too far up her own arse to care.

I don't think talking all tthe time is toxic!
I work with a woman who talks non stop. Tells you EVERYTHING, too much detail. all her stories go on for ever with many tangents along the way. But she's definitely not ''toxic''. She just wants to be liked. SHe may not have good boundaries but she isn't toxic.

I have a friend like this.
She doesn't know when to stop talking.
I went for a walk down a 3 km beach with her and back again.
She talked the entire way down and back and never stopped even to draw breath.
I never got a word in.

She was diagnosed with ADHD a few months back. She's in her 40s.

Sounds autistic& ADHD to me!

I like the hand up thing that @Scarby9 suggests. I think this is a great opportunity for you to be more assertive OP. Can I diminish my sentence, I hadn’t finished talking, it’s not convenient for me to babysit, no thankyou I don’t want to do that etc

Finish not diminish

Do you really need this hassle?

Walk away.

My colleague does this , non stop talking about herself. I just sit and stare at her and when she looks at me for a reaction she doesn’t get one , I just sit there absolutely mute.

Ugh, just stop seeing her. "She's volatile"? What, like violent? You're afraid of her?

She just sounds like a dick.

@Throckmorton

She doesn't sound autistic so much as just damn rude. .

But some people with autism can come across as rude. Not intentionally as the problem is a lack of self awareness and reciprocity.

I don't think your friend's going to change OP, so you'll either just have to go along with it whilst trying to assert yourself a bit more (!), or let the friendship dwindle. Tricky one.

@Pugsnotdrugs101

Yes of course, none of my other friends are like this, it’s all very much give and take and I feel like we have 2 way conversations! But ‘Jane’ is just who I’ve gravitated towards the most, I guess because we live really close and have a child each the same age but I don’t feel like this about my other friends no so I know it’s not ‘normal’

Focus your energies on your other friends. It's not worth maintaining a relationship with Jane as she won't change. I had a friend like this and I don't see her much at all now. I'd never even consider asking her round for coffee anymore. Like Jane, she never stopped talking about herself or her kids and would interrupt all the time if I was talking. It was draining, frustrating and just wasn't worth it. Your Dh is right, she's not a good friend. And as for expecting you to mind her child - fuck that! Say no and don't feel bad. If she sulks then it proves again that she isn't a friend, she's using you.

@Violinist64

Sorry. Posted too soon. My friend found out that she is has ASD in her fifties. Remembering this helps me not to be so irritated when she talks nonstop without listening.

Sorry to hijack but your comment caught my attention. My mum is also the same, how did your friend find out she was on the autistic spectrum?

She had a niece who was diagnosed with autism and recognised some similarities in her own behaviour. She was also experiencing a lot of other difficulties and realised that there might be a common denominator, so, encouraged by her husband and others (including me), went for a diagnosis.

[quote Pugsnotdrugs101]@Cocolapew thank you for your reply! Do you think? The funny thing is, I do enjoy her company and our children get on so well, I feel like if I could just tackle the talking problem then all would be okay? If I don’t say something to her it’s just going to bubble up inside me and I’ll snap at her which makes obviously isn’t fair.[/quote]
You can’t fix her
Accept her how she is or spend less time with her

I know someone like this. I recently and against my better judgement went to lunch with her and she talked non-stop for 3 hours about how rich she is. I felt dizzy and a bit nauseous at the end as it was just a constant wall of noise.

Your husband is right. Why on earth would you even contemplate a friendship with someone who just jabbers at you, interrupts you, doesn’t listen, has no interest in anything you might have to say, expects you to look after her child and ‘gets nasty’ if you refuse? What does this say about you?

Try being a bit blunter, for example you could say ‘I’m glad we’ve met today because I really want to tell you about x’. Or ‘can I tell you about this thing that happened on the weekend’ set up the expectation that you are going to be doing the talking for a bit. Or you could also say that you appreciate being a good listener in your friends and while you like her bubbly personality you would like a bit more give and take. She probably has no idea.

Have you wondered why she has no other friends? No-one else allows her to behave like this towards them! You need to be blunt with her as I think your husband has a valid point and you shouldnt be bulllied into being her babysitter. Does she reciprocate with childcare at all or is it all on her terms?
I have a friend who can talk for England and though I love her dearly it's difficult to get a word in edgeways (without me telling her to stop interrupting!) I would certainly not go on hoiday with her as she'd do my head in!