Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Useless men!!!!

15 replies

Smashingspinster · 17/09/2021 19:02

I have 'inherited' my step father, who has no one else now mum died. Mum died earlier in the year, and he has been desperate to go to his home country to see his brothers since then, so have brought him as he will not go places by himself that he is not familiar with. It has been a week, and I want to throttle him.

He does not take responsibility for anything to make this trip run smoothly. If we need something at the shops, he will stride in ahead of me after I park, and then I will find him in the check out line having picked up his paper but leaving it to me to get whatever item we need. He has not loaded anything into the dishwasher or washed anything up. In fact he leaves his dirty pots on top of it to be put away. He wont make any plans unless it is about seeing his brothers, so on the days we don't see them, he has no suggestions about what we should do. Oh and is happy to stroll into the house when we get home leaving me to get all the stuff out of the car.

All that would be annoying enough but he also feels free to comment on what I do, how I drive and what I should do or not. The kicker was the other day when I was driving into a bed, being cautious and careful, and was met by a speeding driver coming the other way who was over the centre line and on my side of the road. I slammed on the brakes and avoided a collision only to have my step dad say 'Oh, Smashing' in sorrowful tones, as if I had done the worst thing possible.

I get he is old, he is grieving and he is a different generation - but really? Is this just normal patriarchal training or is he particularly taking the piss. How can men be so simultaneously entitled and useless?

OP posts:
Smashingspinster · 17/09/2021 19:03

*bend, not bed!

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 17/09/2021 19:08

Is this just normal patriarchal training or is he particularly taking the piss.

Both? How old is he? You're being a little harsh, it sounds like he's set in his ways. Did your mum run round after him?

Hes grieving, but it would be wise to push back a little, set some boundaries. What would happen if you asked him to load the dishwasher?

As you're grieving too, if you don't start speaking up (gently), you're going to bottle this resentment up and then explode at him and you'll both end up feeling worse.

Smashingspinster · 17/09/2021 19:17

He is in his 70s, quite fit and healthy for his age, but slower than he used to be. Yes, I need to push back a bit. I get annoyed at having to ask him though - he lives by himself now so he knows how to do things for himself. It just feels like when I am around he just stops even trying to do anything.

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 17/09/2021 19:32

You've done your duty by your mum, if there ever was any. Once you get home from this trip, make sure you are much less available or he'll be expecting you to fill in for your mum full time in the cooking and organising department.

AICM · 17/09/2021 19:40

Not all men are like that!

JudgeJ · 17/09/2021 22:29

@AICM

Not all men are like that!
Only if you let them be, in the same way as there are many helpless women if they're allowed to be so.
Notonmywitch · 17/09/2021 22:32

How long have you got left? Don't repeat this trip again. Speak to him of what you expect?

Notonmywitch · 17/09/2021 22:34

I’d be furious, never mind set in his ways or grieving! Your grieving too.

blubberyboo · 17/09/2021 23:55

He’s grieving but I sense he is also starting to treat you as though you are in the role of his wife.

Defo start to push back to establish boundaries and show you have expectations

SneakyCucumberAction · 18/09/2021 00:01

You get useless men as you get useless women. Not sure what the great insight in this thread is meant to be.

RickySpanishhh · 18/09/2021 00:07

Why are you enabling him then?

And hers a Biscuit for this - How can men be so simultaneously entitled and useless?

IceLace100 · 18/09/2021 00:10

You need to tell him he is pissing you off and explain why and how he should change.

Recessed · 18/09/2021 01:23

Grieving? It's your mum! Yes men of that generation are generally sexist and see women as "less" than them and behave accordingly when it comes to chores/domestic work. You e done your bit by taking him on this trip. Back right off when you get gone and focus on yourself and your own grief and leave him to it.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Recessed · 18/09/2021 01:24

When you get *home

Smashingspinster · 21/09/2021 21:04

Thanks @Recessed, your support is appreciated. @RickySpanishhh - not sure what your biscuit is for - he is both those things and you seem to be just being rude. @SneakyCucumberAction - wasn't looking to impart a great insight, just clarify my thinking. No need to be snarky. @Notonmywitch - yes, the moral of this story is I wont be giving up my leave time to cart him around his home country again.

And for those who think I am completely useless here - he aske if I was planning to do some washing the other day. I told him he could do his own. He replied he didn't think he had to 'because he was on holiday'. I just looked at him. He did his own washing.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page