Can I really have it all?!

[CoffeeQueeeen]

Hi, I'm looking for some outside advice please!

I'm due to return to work after a 4 yr career break- I'm taking on a full time role but in a less demanding position (think accountant but returning as an assistant with some adhoc responsibility, at a lesser level than before-there will be a small learning curve to get a grip of it).

I'm hoping to do this job so I can continue learning (2nd year flexible degree). I studied my first year in 2 halves (tandem breastfeeding non sleeping DC's with no regular childcare- assignments previously done at silly o'clock, baby on boob around naps. First baby was 4months when i started first half of degree, 2nd baby was 3months). I done well with not much effort overall sleep deprivation may have blocked out some memories there lol

I also have a teen DC - I worked full time and studied part time when they were tiny until this break. I deferred a full year in 2020 when covid hit but initially done well in my first 2 assignments (tutors suggested I do it in halves again but the world was upside down and my heart wasnt in it 🤷‍♀️)

Fast forward to this year- i dont want to put my degree off. I miss working. DC's are 15/4/2- eldest two now in school (3pm finish) and nursery (1.30 finish)

My plan is to meal prep on Wed and Sunday (previously done), do a weekly online shop, get a cleaner in an hour a week and to study 3 early mornings (5am club) and 3 evenings.

I do have a DP- spoilt with me usually being quite organised and on the ball, he works 6 days a week and i look after everything else (he can drop this to 5 days but really his wage is so much better than mine). He more than pulls his weight and when the ball is dropped, he picks it up- dinner/baths/taking the kids out so i can get things done.... not amazing with housework but will do what i ask without a complaint.

So- with some discipline and delegation- is this possible? I miss being a whole person and have been lost for a while. I really want to get back in the game, but is this insane?!

Help!

I don’t want to say either way because it sounds like a lot long term. Short term I think it could work but it sounds as if you will have no capacity left over at all. How could you be emotionally available for the kids? If work was busy and needed extra time and or the kids were sick, it just seems as if you are taking on too much. And I speak as a person who also takes on too much.
But, is there really a rush? Your kids are young, you may regret being so busy when they are small.
Are you always trying to become something to be ‘enough’. I know I was then I got there and realised it didn’t make a difference and I am enough as I am.

Yes i know where you're coming from there, thanks for replying :) I'm keen to get finished ASAP because with this qualification, my job would be much more flexible for Alevel years for eldest and early school years for the little ones (our parents are older and able to provide childcare now but I can't see that being sustainable for more than a year or two)

I was a single parent whilst my eldest was very young - it could be difficult at times, when they were ill, like you say. I have been guilty of that previously- lots of 'achievements' before realising it didnt make me happy earning X amount or doinf ABC (thats when i took my career break and started retraining- its definitely been a passion of mine that im keen to finish, whenever that may be!) DP is happy with whatever- hes very level headed and keeps me grounded (i probably do like to strive a bit more and work well under pressure where as hes very chilled lol) I definitely want to be there for the children still, it's just so hard to find the right time + balance for everything. You've definitely given me practical things to think about, thank you :)

Discipline won't make up for a partner that doesn't do half the housework or share the mental load.

I would try and work part-time if you want to study as well.

You sound really excited about it and super motivated, and have considered some of the practicalities around making it work (cleaner, meal prep etc). You’d be bloody proud of yourself afterwards as well! I finished a qualification earlier this year with a 10 month old and it really improved my self esteem. It doesn’t sound as difficult as this would be though. Go for it IMO!

@Stompythedinosaur

Discipline won't make up for a partner that doesn't do half the housework or share the mental load.

This. You could find yourself putting just as much energy into managing everyone else as if you just did it all yourself.

I always raise an eyebrow about all these DPs who 'couldn't possibly work less' while seeming to think that hiding at work gets them off the hook for everything on the domestic front. If you both work full time, you split the load at home. Does he get paid extra for the 6th day? If not, he doesn't do it, and you spend some of the extra money on a cleaner, you'll need more than an hour a week for a full house clean.

Unless totally impossible (eg he works fixed shifts that cannot be changed) then how about he does all the pick ups or drop offs and you both start work earlier or later to accommodate this?

But then again, has he asked for flexibility? Many workplaces offer this even for shift workers, so if he can work his hours at a different time of day or swap a weekday shift for an evening or weekend one so he can take on more of domestic work then he should.

Likewise if he's self employed, he can work at different times of day. When we had our extension built the carpenters usually worked 9.30 til 5.30 instead of the more usual earlier starts seen by trades, because one of them was dropping his DC off at school before work.

It's also a good time to get your teen to do more, if they're not already doing so. They can cook at least one family meal each week, take responsibility for bins, some laundry, gardening or another task, up their pocket money a little as an incentive, but also frame it as preparing them for university/adulthood.

Yes, uou can. It takes organisation, hard work and discipline but you can do it. You will have to create magical, memorable moments when you are exhausted but you will do it. You will have to get into a rythmn of much less free time and valuing the time you do have but after a few months, having it all will just feel normal. I know quite a few people with great jobs, kids, relationships and friends as well as material comforts . They are all grateful and acknowledge their good luck but they all work hard for it too.

It would be too much for me.

Is there any scope to try and then extend by a year if you need to cut your studying hours?

With a teen coming up to gcse years who may need help with studying or juggling the load and quiet from the younger ones to study, will you be able to do that?
I certainly wouldn’t be putting the adult responsibilities onto them of cooking etc.

I haven’t said yes or no to the Aibu as I’m not really sure what the question is? You’ve said can you have it all? All what?

Do you need to study as well as work? Could you not return to work and see how that goes family-wise for a year then study the following year if it’s going okay?

Or can you study full time to get the qualification but not work yet? Or is it linked together with this job?

DP really is hands on but is probably doing 60-65 hours every week to allow me to be at home (with zero complaints) but hes only contracted to 40 of those. He has been 'spoilt' with lack of regular housework but he never questions what I've done all day (and there has been lazy days) or what I've spent he just starts where i need him to (dinner, kids, bbins emptied etc).

I have stepped it up with both teen and DP, extra jobs here and there and I've another 2 weeks to make a decision on the job. i have some access to course material so I'm going to see how practical it is studying this week and see how difficult a weeks work is to guage if its much of a change from before but i can defer some or all studying until next year if it got too much.

I'd definitely need more than an hour cleaning.... and maybe a little miracle

I think the best thing is to try and see how it goes, if something has to give then you can decide what at that point. You sound so keen and organised that it would be a shame not to try. It might be insane but if it's what you want - and you won't be studying forever - then go for it I think.

It sounds exhausting and stressful. I prefer a slower pace of life to enjoy each stage, rather than rushing through. But I'm not you!

No definitely not excessive housework/cleaning/cooking for teen but i do ask for table clearing (dishwasher load/unload every other day) and a quick downstairs vacuum (not corners or under anything just the Hansel and Gretal snack trails that come with toddlers) Im keen for all the kids to have some chores (putting wrappers in bins, own washing in basket) as i didnt have any responsibilities growing up, i was an entitled little shit for my late teens and hadnt a clue about the 'real world' not saying this happens in every case its just my experience

No study/work isnt a package but I need to afford the fees, the job is local with good pay and set hours, allows me to get home earlier and i can do it without too much pressure (compared to previous roles). For comparison, this job hasnt been available locally for 15 years so if it came up again I'd probably have to travel to the next city which is an extra hour each way, plus expensive travel costs (this one is 10 mins away)

My plan was initially to stay at home to study these next 2 years but now this position has came up its almost too good to turn down when it would free up DPs time for the kids and allow me to rebuild my career again slowly, if that makes sense. It would bring more money into the home but at the same time, i dont want to set aside my studies when its where my heart is at (there would be opportunities attached to the job+studies long term but they arent dependent on each other)

As someone who works 50-60 hours a week, has a small child and is studying for extra qualifications at the moment then yes it can be done.

However it's important to know that there are massive downsides. You will be exhausted and when life throws a spanner in the plans you have carefully made then this can be a real source of stress particularly childcare/parental leave at short notice. There is also a high level of guilt at not always being present to 'make memories' or do cute crafty things. Sometimes I even feel guilty at taking DD out for a day when I know there is so much housework to be done.

It is important that you and DH sit down and work out a plan for the housework, a plan for parental leave and set up a rota for the week which includes things like food shopping order and delivery, meal plans, drop offs and pick ups, housework and all the boring stuff. It's also important to speak to your work place and be honest about the times you will need to leave early (like plays, events and appointments) and see what they say. My work is very generous but I've been there nearly five years and have always returned favours where possible.

Personally though, I don't regret my decision to keep working and to push my career ahead. I think it's both a great example to set my DD and also sets me up nicely for being more available when she gets to secondary school and all the pressures that will be.