Aibu to think the system is messed up.

[Teapleasetwosugars]

If a woman is in an abusive relationship where children's services get involved and she doesn't flee, then she risks getting her children removed from her care.
But why is it when she does flee, children's services ditch her and she's then stuck in the family court process and if she doesn't encourage contact she is not acting in the best interests of a child.
How is it in a child's best interests to see an abusive parent, I'm not talking about low level abuse, all abuse is wrong.. But I'm talking about abuse that almost led to mother being killed and abuse of the children, physically and emotionally.
Why is it children's services won't help her now.
Why is it all services won't assist in intervention.
Why is it if she tries to protect her children that the father immediately claims parental alienation.
I can't get my head around it.

You're not wrong.

The woman is blamed if she doesn't leave, and if she does she has to allow her kids to be alone with her abusive ex.

No wonder women in abusive relationships stay. At least they can supervise and make sure their kids aren't abused too.

The whole system is shit, and don't even get me started on CMS payments....

I get you, my ex was abusive to me, I called the police, social got involved, they only left because I was no longer in contact with him, a few years later I spoke to another social worker and despite telling her my ex was absent and had no interest in seeing the children she told me I should contact him, and that having a relationship with their father was in my children’s “best interest” despite the fact he was NC through choice and abusive but I was told it wasn’t about me it was about them

The interest is only ever in favour of the men though isn't it.

They're so high and mighty and oh so powerful we must bow down to them.

every case is different,CAFCASS usually investigate if theres concerns

and theres 2 sides to every story given on mumsnet but we only hear one

I can't understand how it's in a childs best interests to force them to see an abusive parent.

We had 4 x dc. Older 2 were deemed 'damaged' by witnessing exh's behaviour.. Living in the same environment were 2 younger dc who were deemed OK to see exh. Despite several quite severe incidents he was still allowed contact.
Until dc were deemed old enough to tell exh to get stuffed themselves..
Meanwhile sibling relationships permanently damaged.

You’re not wrong OP. It’s sick and wrong and men win 9/10 times.

It's destroying lives :(

Wow I had no idea, this is awful.

I was in this position some 8 years ago, I left him after a particularly bad event had me and the kids in hospital.
Social care made me give a statement to the police and leave him and go into a refuge. They then stepped back, said that I 'safeguarded my children appropriately' and left me to fight for my home and belongings with no support. I then had to negotiate arranging contact on my own and eventually had to flea to another part of the country 5 years later, despite having to get several injunctions and prohibited steps orders over 5 years to prevent stalking and him removing the kids from school etc.
The responses I kept getting when I asked social care for help was 'you are safeguarding the kids so we can't help you'.
It was shit.
Now he doesn't bother, the kids are happier and mending the damaged caused by what they went through, he doesn't even send a birthday card for their birthdays, or call or see them at Christmas. We are completely NC and now school have said maybe I should instigate contact again- ummmmm no thanks

It really makes no sense, I was told to email him and ask him if he wants to see them 🤔 I reported her to the manager as I felt quite concerned by it! It’s odd that when you are with the man they get involved and take kids away for “failure to protect” but then tell you the kids school be seeing them when you’ve ended it.

The last time my children saw my ex (court ordered) there was an incident. I found out a couple of months later and called the police to report.

SS came and did all their checks to make sure I was looking after my kids properly, they never went to his home, with his girlfriend or stepkids where the incident actually happened.

SS signed off to say they had no concerns at all.

I told exh he would have to take me back to court if he wanted to see them again, he hasn't bothered.

I was absolutely gobsmacked that they investigated me, checked my home, the kids school, doctors etc and not him at all.

I know of a mother who breached a court order because the child was utterly traumatised during and leading up to contact with their emotionally abusive father. Enforcement action was applied for, she got a suspended community service order as well as a penal notice attached to the new court order. I just don't understand how such a draconian measure is in the best interests of a child.

Think they only focused on getting you to leave. Feels like a trick sort of cos once you go, you left with no support. Have no children but disability. Was so scared to leave for so long cos didn't want to be homeless. Was nearly killed. Finally trusted somewhere. Went to refuge but was left without help to get housing for after. Was left to deal with councils on my own who break the law and get away with it cos all the housing solicitors I've called saying no capacity for anymore legal cases. Had to go back cos nowhere to go after. You leave then you abandoned. Had violent parents too so don't understand why they want to make the children see violent ones. It wasn't good for me cos I ended up with violence as adult too.

It is shit.
for those of you writing from experience.

I work in schools, so no personal experience, but I see a lot (work in a safeguarding role).
From my outsider view (and apologies for any insensitivity, just trying to give an alternative view)
I TOTALLY get why ss say if you don't leave you're failing to protect.
Sooooo many people put their relationships above the needs of their dc.
And, unfortunately if you do leave and you have protected, I understand in a holistic way why ss with no real knowledge of previous history would encourage contact.

But it sucks
And everything is weighed against women. Which really, really sucks

I can't even bare to wrap my head around it.

I’ve often wondered if any adults (who were the DC in these cases) have sued/tried to sue SS/courts (if it’s possible) for being forced to see an abusive parent when they were under 18. A test case would be interesting.

I remember watching that dispatches expose on the family court a couple of months ago. Two kids forcibly removed by their mother in the middle of the night by police after claims of parental alienation. The police officer said that night would stay with him forever.. The screams of the kids being dragged away from their mother was heart wrenching.

In my case ss WERE aware because they got involved due to his violence 😐