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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids and school money

18 replies

Beline4u · 16/09/2021 19:52

My son gets an allowance each week (£20) for dinner, this is paid through the school app. I am able to see what he buys and how much the food is. Towards the end of last term and the start of this term I noticed he was buying more than he should, example steak burger, chips, panni and pizza (in one day). I sat him down discussed healthy eating and the cost of each meal and that I can't keep topping up as I can't afford it.

So, this week I've noticed the same pattern again. I sat him down spoke to him and made clear that I will only be putting in £2.50/£3.00 each day because he hasn't listened to me. He then said that his best friend hasn't got any money to get dinners so he has been buying them for him, ()my heart hurt, I felt proud that he would do this). I asked him all the questions I could think of and the result, his mum cant afford to give him money and his form teacher is aware of this (I'm not sure about this tho)

Now this is my dilemma. I genuinely can't afford to pay for this wee lads dinner every other day. My son has such a good heart that he'll struggle to say no especially as this is his best friend.

Would I be unreasonable to contact the school? Would I be unreasonable to put a stop to my son paying for this boys dinner. I'm torn on what to do. Could you wonderful people help.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 16/09/2021 19:55

Not sure you have th e full story there.

Whinge · 16/09/2021 19:57

I'd send an email to the form tutor explaining what your son has said. However, it could be as simple as Ds friend bringing a packed lunch from home, but preferring to eat the food your DS buys him.

Stompythedinosaur · 16/09/2021 19:57

Id be suspecting the boy had a packed lunch he didn't fancy tbh.

I would continue your plan to put a small amount in each day as it gives your dc a way to say no to their friend and I'd encourage the friend to speak to the teacher if they have no lunch.

WaterBottle123 · 16/09/2021 19:59

The other boy likely has a packed lunch but also it's very possible he doesn't. I would mail the teacher.

Couldhavebeenme3 · 16/09/2021 20:00

Absolutely put a limit on your ds' spends, and absolutely contact the school. Could flag up a struggling family that the school should have various ways to support. It's a legit concern, and unfortunately not uncommon.

Fruitloopcowabunga · 16/09/2021 20:04

Not sure why people are suspicious of this. A friend of my DS quite often goes to school without lunch (there's a pretty tragic family situation behind it) so I've been sending a bit extra in his packed lunch to share. I think I would try to speak to the form teacher just to double check they are aware - I used to share a house with a teacher who regularly took in a mound of toast of a morning for those kids in their form who didn't get breakfast before school. It's horrible to think of, but sadly I don't think this situation is uncommon and not all parents are together enough to access the help they could.

Howshouldibehave · 16/09/2021 20:07

I would email the head of year. It’s likely if they family don’t have enough money to buy dinners that they may qualify for PP funding and free meals.

Datsandcogs · 16/09/2021 20:09

Definitely contact school to make sure they’re aware.

I would want to help anyway I could, finances allowing. Can you help him choose cheaper options for them both, or send packed lunches with some extra for sharing?

Original poster
Beline4u · 16/09/2021 20:28

@Couldhavebeenme3 This is my thoughts exactly!

@RedHelenB I'm not sure what you mean..

OP posts:
Marcee · 16/09/2021 20:31

My first thought was he was being bullied and forced to buy food, ot people were taking his food, so he was having to buy more

Original poster
Beline4u · 16/09/2021 20:36

I honestly don't mind if it was now and again but it's becoming more and more. I'm aware of the family and as far as I was aware they got free school meals but my son said it stopped because the mum got a job but the job doesn't cover the living costs and the granda has to help out.

Apparently lunches isn't an option. This I think is more so because it isn't "cool".

I will ring the school in the morning.

@Fruitloopcowabunga How lovely of that teacher! It's good you pointed that out, as the head of year bought a toaster and kettle, brought in milk, teabags, bread etc for their form class. So, maybe they are aware of certain kids not getting enough and therefore has done this as way of not excluding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Beline4u · 16/09/2021 20:38

@Marcee It was my thought also, but he would tell me. He has been is situations where he has had to stick up for himself and he has told me. So I trust he would tell me.

OP posts:
Cheeseplantboots · 16/09/2021 20:41

Ah that’s tricky. I think I’d contact the school. My son is the same when out with friends. I noticed he’d spent £20 in Pizza Hut on his bank card. When I asked him he said he’d treated his friend as he had no money for lunch but that his friend was going to pay him back . It’s happened several times now and the friend never pays it back.

UndertheCedartree · 16/09/2021 20:47

I actually have a similar problem. My 14yo DS and his best friend have just started college. All of the DC on their course have money to buy lunch except his best friend. Her mum could afford to give her money but she is very into healthy eating so sends her with a packed lunch. Apparently, best friend finds it embarrassing especially because of the time of food - green smoothies, homemade protein balls etc. - not just a sandwich and apple kind of thing! So DS has been asking for more money for food and it turns out he has been buying her lunch. Like you I am very proud of my DS for being so kind but equally I can't afford to buy best friend's lunch all the time and I'm sure her mum wouldn't be too pleased either. I've said he can treat her to lunch once a week.

Dippydinosaurus · 16/09/2021 21:23

As an adult you've got a duty of care to let the school know. They can help support the parents and check if they're eligible for pupil premium - they may be entitled to free school meals

AnathemaPulsifer · 16/09/2021 22:02

I’d let the school know, but while you wait for that to be sorted I’d suggest to your son that you pack a lunch for both of them. A decent packed lunch can be made for very little and if they’re eating together the fact it’s uncool should matter less.

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/09/2021 22:26

It’s likely if they family don’t have enough money to buy dinners that they may qualify for PP funding and free meals.
The cut-off is 7K per year where I am.
What they should be doing, rather than making it set until 2023 once you have it, is to review it each year and allow a higher cut-off. It should be means-tested as currently, there will be families getting it who no longer nee it and those on UC but slightly above threshold, who desperately do.

Howshouldibehave · 17/09/2021 08:02

Apparently lunches isn't an option. This I think is more so because it isn't "cool"

I think your DS need to know that his mum won’t be paying for his and his friend’s hot lunch just because bringing sandwiches isn’t cool though.

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