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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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8 replies

Mouscadoo · 16/09/2021 18:53

So my partner works 5am-1.30pm. We have an 18 month old who is currently sick and I am 4 months pregnant. Pregnancy was planned. I am a sahm. For the last 4 days I've had progressively worse back pain. It's like sharp shooting pain on my left hand lower back and particularly bad if I bend down and getting back up. I also have pain in my foot randomly. Before this I had severe morning sickness and couldn't reallt function at all. Barely left the house. This has made housework really hard but I am the kind of person that will keep pushing on anyway. So I do my utmost to keep on top of everything. I try to do as many home cooked meals as I can during the week, try to do as much with my toddler as possible and try to keep on top of the housework. What I am finding harder at the moment are jobs like cleaning bathroom and mopping and keeping on top of the garden. The place is getting pretty dirty to be honest, cluttered shelves and presses, dirty floors, scummy showers etc and a large overgrown garden.

My partner is good with the baby in that he will change her nappies, entertain her when he comes home and will put her down for bed. He will clean kitchen (clean down counters, load dishwasher) and will put on a wash. The one thing he does that I don't do is the food shop as I don't drive. I have just gotten my learners permit. Other than that I do everything else which i generally don't mind. I don't think he has ever cleaned the bathroom. He will only do anything else if I ask him to like hoovering, changing bedsheets, cleaning showers, mopping. I respect the fact that he goes out to work and that it is a huge burden to have financial responsibility hence why I take on so much of the responsibilities.

Anyway, today on the way to an appointment I brought up that I was having trouble with keeping up with the housework. That with my back and looking after the baby that it's becoming really hard. I suggested having someone come in either once a fortnight or once a month to help me. My partner straight out said we can't afford it. I have researched it and it would be approx 70-80 for 4/5 hours of work. I know that we could afford it. I was just so angry upset and humiliated to be honest. I then said well you will have to help me more then as I'm finding it really hard and he got angry at that also. He eventually said something like "fine ill do everything". It turned into a heated argument and we aren't speaking.

So I want to know am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
CanofCant · 16/09/2021 18:56

No you aren't being unreasonable. What does he do from 1:30pm until bedtime?

MaverickSnoopy · 16/09/2021 18:59

Wow. I'm raising my eyebrows at him.

He needs to pull his weight. Going out to work does not absolve him of helping you when you're struggling. I think I'd probably go on strike so I I rest for a bit, but that's just me.

On a practical level. Things to help you. Make easy meals - double/tripple and freeze. Cleaning- do the TOMM if you haven't come across it get. Make sure you factor in a lot of rest breaks. Get your toddler to help you with jobs, teach them young.

I think you need to talk to your partner again and make it clear that you're struggling. Perhaps the midwife has told you to take it easier.

glitterelf · 16/09/2021 19:00

My DH was recently working from 3am - 2pm and even though I don't have very small children myself ( youngest is 7 ) I am a childminder and he'd come home and just muck and do what's needed or ask if I had any jobs for him. Your OH needs to either stump up the cash or pull his finger out to help you more.

CassandraTrotter · 16/09/2021 19:02

He works a normal day length wise.

Did you have a career before giving up work to be a skivvy for a man you are not even married to? And can you go back to it? Do you both own the house you live in?

He got angry because his pregnant partner said she needed more help. He is not a good partner.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/09/2021 19:03

Yanbu

The starting point here is that you can’t do it. Therefore you (as a couple) pay for it from joint funds or he does it.

The reason you can’t do it is that you’re carrying your joint baby. He can’t do that but he must respect that it takes a toll on you, and pick up other things.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/09/2021 19:04

He’s not doing everything - even if he did all the housework he wouldn’t be as he’s not growing the baby inside him.

Sleeplessem · 16/09/2021 19:09

Yanbu.

You’re struggling he and he should be doing more end of.

Personally I take issue with the phrasing of men who ‘help’ with the children or the house- to me it’s like well aren’t they your children too so your responsibility so you aren’t helping, you’re doing your fair share. Helping implies it’s all the woman’s responsibility. Same applies to the house work, he lives there too ergo it’s his responsibility also.

Samafe · 16/09/2021 19:11

YANBU, I am in a similar Situation (but I work 3dpw)
A 2 yo, 8 months pregnant. I asked my DH to help me more with house chores several months ago,
Guess what happened?
Nothing happened Angry
So I feel for you

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