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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Weird vibes from a coworker

15 replies

Lagomtransplant · 16/09/2021 17:41

My company went through a restructure in light of covid. Some people that were there aren't any more, my role is different and we have a few new people who started this month. One new guy is in 2 days a week and I'm flipping between 2 sites for the time being. Those 2 days we work together we clicked quite well together and built a rapport. Now, I'm happily married and made no secret about it from day one. He's engaged, from what I can gather quite happily. However, my spidy senses have recently begun to tingle, just something about his behaviour is giving me the warning bells, like feeling showered with attention, if you see what I mean. It's small things, like keeping me a seat next to him at the meetings, zooming in on me during lunchtime, confiding etc. All this I chalked down to friendship, but now I'm not so sure. I really can't emphasise enough how much this is unwarranted, but the team is just forming after a very brutal two years and a restructure, we're all still finding our balance. I don't want to risk discord, but likewise I have no interest whatsoever (and I'm being VERY careful to emphasise this) in anything unprofessional. I'm wondering if this is something to have a quiet chat with HR about (YANBU), or do I leave it for the time being and see what happens (YABU), as I really don't have anything solid to point out?

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 16/09/2021 17:52

If he's not done anything more than the examples you give here, then imo going to HR would be like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut. Saving a seat for you - that's something my colleague and I do for each other in meetings, because we work the same role and often compare notes etc. I'm not sure what you mean by zooming in - do you mean on video? Switch your camera off or ask him not to. If he's confiding in you or talking about personal things, just be uber busy - "sorry to interrupt but I need to crack on with X."

I'm not saying you're wrong, but if his behaviour escalates, then maybe speak to your manager, then finally HR if nothing is done.

Penistoe · 16/09/2021 18:01

I don’t think anything you described warrants HR.

INeed2P · 16/09/2021 18:07

Do you think perhaps because he is new he is trying to form a coworking friendship and because you have formed a rapport he is doing these things? I think you would be U to go to HR to say he saves you a seat in meetings / talks to you at lunch. To be honest these are all things I've done when I've joined a new job!

Lagomtransplant · 16/09/2021 18:11

OK, OK, I get it, maybe I'm just stressed out... hasn't been exactly an easy ride...

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 18:12

I'd suggest he's just glad there's someone he knows in the same meetings etc. It's possible he's just comfortable with you.

He's not done anything inappropriate.

Ijustreallywantacat · 16/09/2021 18:15

Like you said, everyone is feeling a little off kilter, including him, and he's trying to be friendly with you. If you've built a rapport then he's obviously enjoying your company. Going to HR would be a massive overreaction.

dangerrabbit · 16/09/2021 18:19

Doesn't sound like he's doing anything unprofessional. Just be a bit cold (while still civil and professional) if you want to cool the work friendship.

Lagomtransplant · 16/09/2021 18:19

Agreed. I'm sure this would be a total non-issue if I was my normal self/not this stressed. Thank you to everyone contributing, I am going to have a word with myself and consider this matter closed.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 16/09/2021 18:23

Next time you walk into a meeting go to the nearest empty seat and when he says “I’ve saved you a seat next to me” just say “it’s ok, I’ll sit here”.

Not sure what you mean about “zooming”, and he’s confiding what exactly?

Bluntness100 · 16/09/2021 18:25

@Lagomtransplant

Agreed. I'm sure this would be a total non-issue if I was my normal self/not this stressed. Thank you to everyone contributing, I am going to have a word with myself and consider this matter closed.
That’s good because honestly if I was hr I’d be concerned about you if you came with that The guys new, he’s making friends, reporting him for being friendly is so inappropriate.
softplay999 · 16/09/2021 18:27

I think sometimes you just know when someone is interested and it's not something you can put into words. I don't think you can go to HR but as long as he knows your a firm no on this then he should get the hint quite quickly

AtrociousCircumstance · 16/09/2021 18:28

Well, I think your intuition is probably right and he’s a little bit too interested. However agree this isn’t an HR issue yet and make sure you unapologetically draw boundaries (as the PP says re sitting elsewhere).

SmileyClare · 16/09/2021 18:33

I don't think this can just be chalked up as "stressed". Don't completely discard your own judgment! I'm not saying it's an HR matter, but you're starting to feel uncomfortable, he's giving you a bit too much attention and singling you out to some extent.

I'd advise pulling back, not getting involved in emotions/personal conversations and keeping exchanges work related or to trivial small talk. Shoe horn "I'm very happily married and would never cheat" into the conversation, don't exchange mobile numbers and try to draw others into your chat (eg on a Break) so it's not one to one.

I think he should get the message and if his intentions are simply to get on as colleagues, then no harm done with that approach.

You have to work together, much easier to nip this in the bud now. Smile

Kitchendrama1 · 16/09/2021 18:52

Sounds like someone who is considerate

BrilliantBetty · 16/09/2021 19:01

Sounds fine to me I guess I am friendly like this to some of my co workers. None have gone to HR thankfully.

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