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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He never acknowledges anything

13 replies

Brightlightbulb · 16/09/2021 16:47

My partner has always said he feels his parents didn't acknowledge his acheivements or praise him. They only noticed things to critisise.

I've noticed he does this to me. I do something around the house, he never comments let alone says it looks nice etc.

Example, I ask him to help me move the wooden garden furniture onto the grass so I can treat it before the winter.

He helps move it. Later when he comes home and nearly trips over the newly treated furniture, he doesn't say a word.

I make a cake. He comes in, sees it, doesn't say a word. Later I see he has eaten half of it, but has said nothing to me.

Just a couple of examples. I don't need his praise but I just wonder sometimes if it is deliberate. I don't think I could eat something someone else had cooked and not even comment or acknowledge it, for example.

I understand that this is learnt behaviour but I do struggle to understand how he can be so indifferent to everything someone he loves does.

OP posts:
Dontjumptoconclusions · 16/09/2021 19:45

When this happens, just ask him "did you enjoy the cake? What do you think of the furniture?" See what he says. Tbh it probably doesn't dawn on him to say anything, even though it seems quite rude.

Brightlightbulb · 16/09/2021 20:24

I do pull him on it quite often, as you say.

He'll give me a one word answer. "Did you notice the garden furniture?" I get the answer "yes".

If I ask if he enjoyed the cake, I get a "yes thanks".

So certainly no real engagement in a conversation about it.

Whereas I would say "ooh cake, that looks nice".

Or "I see you e been busy with garden furniture, how did you find it?"

Or such like. It feels very odd to me to NOT say those things.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2021 20:27

Do you have children or plan to? Because I'd frame it as modeling a different relationship than he had, making sure you thank and acknowledge each other.

LightDrizzle · 16/09/2021 20:28

Have you pointed out that he is perpetuating his parents’s behaviour? That might give him a bit of a shake.
x

Wrenna · 16/09/2021 20:34

Mine’s the same. The good thing though is that if I don’t feel like cooking or just make a super simple meal he’s totally supportive; likewise he might not say how fantastic the house looks but never ever complains when it’s not so good either. Interestingly enough I think he grew up this way as well! It’s sometimes irritating but also gets me off the hook too sometimes! I knew about this before we got married and asked myself it was a deal breaker, it wasn’t, and 20+ years later we’re still together.

Etinox · 16/09/2021 20:35

How does he react when you acknowledge and thank him? It is learned behaviour and you can explicitly say, “I feel hurt and invisible when you don’t notice what I’ve done.” I’m also explicit that I love praise Blush
Lovely DH was bought up in an unemotional _& praise free household, but he’s learnt!

FizzyPink · 16/09/2021 20:37

@MrsTerryPratchett

Do you have children or plan to? Because I'd frame it as modeling a different relationship than he had, making sure you thank and acknowledge each other.
This is good advice. DP was brought up to be scared of everything and to think any food that’s not freezer food is gross. I was quite blunt that he needs to sort these things out if we’re to have children as I don’t want him projecting these things onto them as MIL has to him. To be fair to him he’s working really hard to try new things since I framed it like this.
pelosi · 16/09/2021 20:40

It sounds like he expects you to do things as a matter of course and takes you for granted.

Does he ever do nice things for you?

Eating half a cake is pretty selfish too. My H will have a slice and then ask if he he can have any more, as he knows I may take a slice to my mum etc. He also praises the cake if it’s nice. If he didn’t like it he would say why though.

Sowingbees · 16/09/2021 20:59

Yanbu. I have the same, he never thankse for tidying or cleaning because he thinks that they should be done and therefore deserve no thanks.

Dogscanteatonions · 16/09/2021 21:09

My ex was like this. All his childhood he longed for his dad to compliment him, to say he'd done well but nothing was ever ever good enough.

Sadly he was exactly the same as his dad, always critical, totally lacking in any support, always putting me down. I'd pull him up on it, of try to talk to him and say he was doing exactly what he hated. Sadly it never changed. I'm very glad I left him but he did have bigger issues too.

It was wearing and but good at all for me or for him

pelosi · 16/09/2021 21:11

@Sowingbees

Yanbu. I have the same, he never thankse for tidying or cleaning because he thinks that they should be done and therefore deserve no thanks.
Hope you’re tidying his crap?
SweetBabyCheeses99 · 16/09/2021 21:14

YANBU. But then I always wonder in these situations - how did you end up falling in love with and moving in with this man? Did he acknowledge you back then or is this recent?!

Laladell · 17/09/2021 18:06

Yanbu. I learnt this the hard way.

Learnt behaviour is very real.

Me and my ex had terrible upbringing. He had an abusive dad, which then resulted in him committing many serious asults on me and getting into a lot of trouble

I had quite a rough up bringing meaning I stuck with his shit and entered a trauma bond.

If it really does bother and if you see a future with him I'd deffo have a chat with him especially if you want/have kids xxx

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