AIBU to reduce DS contact?

[drivetimesong]

Sorry if this is long. My DS7 stays at his Dad's overnight each month 8-10 days. I don't have too much contact with his Dad as he's very difficult and it's just not worth wasting energy with arguing. He does, however, treat our son well.

DS7 has 1 older step sibling and 2 younger half siblings at his Dad's.

DS7 and I have always been very close. He would only spend 4 nights a month at his Dad's before Covid.

DS7 has always suffered from slight separation anxiety with me, which flares up at certain times (whenever I leave him at school, at his Dad's etc).

For the past 6 months (roughly) DS7 has been getting extremely worked up at the thought of going to his Dad's and gets upset when he knows he's going. The last occasion he had a full on meltdown in the car on the way there, tears, asking why I'm forcing him to go, scratched himself on his arms a few times. He clung to me when we arrived and my ex had to peel him off me. He settled eventually (once I'd left).

DS7 is due to go to his Dad's tomorrow for the weekend and this morning he has started getting upset already. It breaks my heart. He says he doesn't want to go for the 3 nights, he wants to go for just 1.

I've tried talking to my ex about this but he doesn't want to know and says that he'll get over it eventually. AIBU to say that contact should be reduced for the meantime, or would that just make things worse?

If he’s going 8-10 nights a month does that mean he’s there most weekends? If so, that’s not fair on either of you. You deserve some of the fun time too, and he deserves some down time in his primary residence.

@AnathemaPulsifer He goes a mixture of weekends and week nights.

Is it court ordered contact or an informal arrangement?

If informal, why does ex get to say it carries on that way?

I would reduce. It’s not fair to force a child to do something he clearly really doesn’t want to do. Contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child, but in this instance it’s seems to be doing more harm than good.

It's got to the point where it's hurting himself.
Let him stay for how long he wants.
You may find that if you say ok it's just one night, once he's there he may want to stay another.
Let your DC have the choice I think.

Reducing the contact would just feed the anxietu so you'd soon end up with no overnights at all. Whether you think it a good outcome or not, it's unlikely a court would support it.

One thing that might help is having your ex pick up your son from a neutral 3rd place, like school, or a friends house, rather than directly from you. What a pity he wont work with you to solve this.

Does he get on with his half/step siblings? Is there something going on that is making him more anxious about staying at his dads?

When and why did it increase post COVID to make up for time lost?

It seems that the increase from 4 to 8-10 coupled with Covid has made him more anxious

Could some sort of conflict be happening which is fuelling his anxiety?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing It's informal. I got loads of abuse from my ex last time I suggested reducing contact.

@Porcupineintherough Sometimes it is from a neutral place but DS will still get worked up at the thought of going.

@Ilikewinter He's not keen on his step sibling, doesn't mind his half siblings, although I think he feels a little pushed out.

@Quartz2208 My ex didn't see DS for the first 10 weeks of the first lock down as he didn't think it was safe to do so. Ex then decided that he should see DS more each month.

@Mamamamasaurus I've tried talking to DS about whether anything happens at his Dads but all he will say is he misses me too much. He's not allowed to call/FaceTime me when he's there.

I've tried talking to DS about whether anything happens at his Dads but all he will say is he misses me too much. He's not allowed to call/FaceTime me when he's there

I think I would reduce it purely because your ex is so unwilling to try and help the situation by working with you at all.

I would say not to reduce if he was attempting to do anything at all to come up with a solution but just "he'll get over it" isn't good enough imo and as you can't do anything about what goes on at his dad's i.e. force him to allow him to call you etc... I'd have to do what I could do which would be to reduce.

@drivetimesong yes I expect that he did decide.

It is not helping though - it has simply gone from 4 nights to nothing to 8 and that is just not the way to handle it.

How would he react if you told him that pushing too much contact wasnt helping and that starting after COVID back with the 4nights was the way to go. You are prepared to move it to the 8-10 nights in the future but slowly and at a pace that DS is happy with not a pace your Ex decides to should be

If it’s informal then don’t take him…

I would ask him to ring you when he wants to come home and then go and pick him up. Would his dad allow him access to a phone? could you give him a mobile with your number programmed in on speed dial so he can call when he wants to come home?
I would still encourage him to go but make it his choice as and when he wants to come home, he's not saying he doesn't want to go at all, he just wants to go less.. It's sad :( but unless there has been domestic abuse I think most people would expect you to encourage him to go, however that said it is concerning he is hurting himself :( could you perhaps afford mediation between you?

Oh I just saw you posted that he's not allowed to call or face time you. That's ridiculous :(

I think you should bring your child to the GP and register his distress.

I think your ex is being emotionally abusive to refuse your child contact with his primary carer.

I think you need to contact women's aid to see if they can give advice.

He sounds like a nasty prick and I wouldn't send a distressed child somewhere he doesn't want to go, particularly as it isn't court mandated.

He is dismissive of his childs distress, so you need to step up.

@Pebbledashery We've tried mediation and it didn't work.

@billy1966 I did wonder whether I should make an appointment with our GP but considering the huge back log at the moment I wasn't sure whether they would consider it serious enough to see him.

I think you need to address why he’s anxious rather than stopping contact or reducing it

What’s causing it ?

Can you afford a solicitor, i would be inclined to put an application into court first before him if I were you.

@millymollymoomoo He can't tell me what's wrong, just that he misses me too much when he's there.

What is wrong is that it is too much too soon with no contact with you.

Online would be fine to chat to the GP.

Stress your child's meltdowns and distress.

You want this logged.

Would you see if the school has support services to advise.

Keep stressing his increased distress and keep a log of any and all people you have sought support from.

Would SS have advice for you?

I’m not trying to be goady but what is it he misses? I get that he initially wants to call
You ( and think your ex should let him) but kids this age shouldn’t need to or miss the parent that much

Do you think it’s because he thinks you miss him ? Or you’re unhappy he’s away ? Have you reassured him that you’re fine and he should go off and have a nice time ?

Is something happening at his dads? Does he feel sidelined by the other children for example? Do they other children give him a hard time or bully him or something?

What’s he like when he’s actually there?

@millymollymoomoo He's never said that he thinks I'll be unhappy whilst he's away, or that he thinks I'll miss him lots. I never say anything about my feelings / what I'm doing when he's not with me.

My ex says he's fine when he's with him (I can't obviously check as I'm not allowed to speak to him when he's there).

I think he does feel a little pushed out as he's had 2 new half siblings in the last 2 years there. He also tells me that he doesn't like his older step sibling.