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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you go on holiday without your partner?

24 replies

Greenspace754 · 16/09/2021 10:11

Morning smile I am interseted to know your opinions. Bit of background: I have two teenagers from a previous marriage (kids sadly have no relationship with their Dad as he is an addict). I now live with my new partner, he also has two teenagers. I earn more than my new partner, which is lucky because I get no maintenance etc from the ex. so I solely fund my kids lives, pay for all their clubs, clothes etc. Work my job around school pick ups and clubs and over the years had to work long unsocial hours to try to fit everything in.

Any surplus money I have each month I have been saving to do up our new home together which I am happy to do, as my new partner doesn't really have surplus money each month to contribute to extras.

We were talking about hopefully going on holiday in 2022 but my new partner cannot afford to go anywhere. I have offered to pay for him but he doesn't want to go without his kids (Which I totally understand). His kids are going away with their Mum to some cool places next year. My question is AIBU to take my kids away without him. In an ideal world I would rather we all went away with the kids as we have a great time and I know I'll miss him. Plus it isn't his fault he can't go away. However on the other hand, I only have a couple more years with my kids before they get too old to come with me and I want to make the most of them. They have had a rough few years with what they have gone through with their Dad.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Tal45 · 16/09/2021 10:13

You should definitely go why should you and your kids miss out? It's a shame you can't all afford to go but as you say his kids go away with their mum so why shouldn't yours?

KatharinaRosalie · 16/09/2021 10:15

Of course you should go with your kids. It's not fair if they can't have holidays, because their mum's partner's kids can't come.

RoseGoldGlasses · 16/09/2021 10:16

I would go

Parttimemostofthetime · 16/09/2021 10:18

Please take your kids away. His kids are going away with their mum so why should your children miss out. Enjoy them while you can

TippledPink · 16/09/2021 10:19

I go away with my kids and without my partner most years. Why wouldn't you?

LemonFantaGin · 16/09/2021 10:19

No, not unreasonable at all, you offered to pay for him (which I wouldn't have done) and he has declined, book your holiday and enjoy it

UniBallEye · 16/09/2021 10:26

Take your kids on holiday with no hesitation. So, your kids only get to go away with you due to their sad situation with their dad. But his kids get to go away with their mum and he's saying he won't go away with you without them? By that rationale his kids get twice (or more) the holidays that yours do...

BlackberryMuncher · 16/09/2021 10:34

Yes I would in your situation.

I would say that I was happy to pay fir him, but cannot afford to also pay fir his kids, so it's his choice to come with us or not.

His children are going away with their mum, yours can go away with you, without it being unfair! His choice what he does.

Just a thought though. He's a 'new partner' I hope you have 'ring fenced' your contributes share in the house & ongoing improvements. Watch you're not being taken for a mug financially (it's easy to let it happen when it's all new).

Your kids Dad isn't contributing to their lives, so your money is 'everything' your kids get the benefit from. His kids get the benefit of money from both parents. Make sure your money isn't getting used because he is contributing to his kids lives leaving less for your joint life, which is fair & fine - obviously, but it's not ok for you to subsidise everything & to lose out financially.

Need more coffee, I'm not sure ive explained that very well

Aprilx · 16/09/2021 10:40

I haven’t put my head to your specific situation as neither DH nor I have children. But to the question in your thread, yes I would go away without DH, in fact we talked about it a few times last year as I needed a break but he couldn’t get the time off. It didn’t happen in the end, but we were both happy with the idea in principle.

Original poster

Greenspace754 · 16/09/2021 10:49

Thanks BlackberryMucher (great name). This does play on my mind, as my kids only have me to rely on. This is why I would never get married again as I want to ring fence what I have for my kids. We split the bills and mortgage pretty much 50:50 but I pay a bit more as my kids are there 24/7.

I have set a budget for what I am going to spend on the house and have accepted the fact that if we split I probably won't get it back but have weighed this against the fact my kids are living in a slightly nicer home. It's definately tricky, I have been so independent for 10 years. He definately over-contributes to his kids life but his kids are his priority (which is quite nice to see as I have never had that from my ex)

Ultimately me and the kids are really happy, he is great with them and our 4 kids get on really well. He does great things with them and their life is definately richer by having him around. He contributes in others ways with his time so overall I think it is as fair as it can be. But I do always keep one eye on my independence, just in case (sad but true).

OP posts:

Nowomenaroundeh · 16/09/2021 10:50

Go, no question.

RiotAtTheRodeo · 16/09/2021 10:56

Without a doubt! Your kids deserve a holiday and as you say they won't be children for much longer. Sounds like they've had a tough time of it with regards to their father so that makes it doubly important in my opinion. Go and have a great time.

Sparklesocks · 16/09/2021 10:57

Yes absolutely

EL8888 · 16/09/2021 10:57

Go for it! You did more than l would do -l wouldn’t have offered to pay for it. Go and enjoy yourself. Why should your children miss out?

Original poster

Greenspace754 · 16/09/2021 10:57

Thanks for all your positive messages, they have made me smile. It's good to have your opinions xx

OP posts:

minimadgirl · 16/09/2021 10:58

Why wouldn't you? Go and enjoy yourself
My partner has literally just left for a few days away with our daughter, I can't go due to work commitments. I wouldn't Want them to stay at home because of me.

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 16/09/2021 10:59

I take my kids away alone a lot. Not to do with money but the lack of AL my DP takes (self employed). Not the same I know but the principle is the same.

Do it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/09/2021 11:02

I'd definitely go. I don't see why he should miss out either but that's his decision.

Enjoy, just remember young adults can be very keen on going on holiday with their parents if they pay.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/09/2021 11:02

Yes, always have. Dad hasn’t been physically able for many years but that was no reason for them to miss out. He and I then went on a separate road trip together when they were back at school, enjoying scenery, lunches in beautiful places and other “boring” things they wouldn’t particularly enjoy

NCBlossom · 16/09/2021 11:02

Completely yes go away with just your kids. In fact I would say as they are your kids from a previous marriage, it’s really nice for your kids to just have you, the person they’ve known all their life, for some special times. Really important to do that.

EdgeOfTheSky · 16/09/2021 11:07

His kids go away with their Mum

Your kids can do the same

Of course you should go on hol with your kids.

spooney21 · 16/09/2021 12:08

Definitely go. I've gone away with dc on my own quite a few times without dh as I work term time only and so get more opportunity. Dh holidays are quite strict around companies needs. We do go on at least 1 big holiday and a few weekend breaks together as a family. I don't see it as being unusual.

Branleuse · 16/09/2021 12:40

yes id definitely take the kids away without him. Ive taken my kids away without my partner quite a few times

AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2021 12:42

Take your kids away, you'll regret it when they're older if you don't

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