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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like leaving my kids.

30 replies

ilkleymoorbartat · 15/09/2021 21:42

Kids are 7&5. Ive spent a total of 3 days away from them. The idea of being away makes me feel mildly panicky and I just don't like it. Ive got a friends big birthday weekend coming up and my instinct is to just not want to go. Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 21:44

Mine is 2 so I don’t know how I’ll feel when she’s older but she’s my favourite company and I don’t like being away from her for long so I completely sympathise.

Who will they be with? They’re other parent or a trusted family member?

Macncheeseballs · 15/09/2021 21:45

No I've always enjoyed breaks away from my kids

Fieldsoftripe9 · 15/09/2021 22:02

I have 6, 4 & 1yo and have only ever been away from them when giving birth to another! They are still young so it's totally natural and normal to not want to leave them. I love a break but preferably not over night till they are older and I can relax and actually enjoy an overnight somewhere else!

georgarina · 15/09/2021 22:04

Mine are younger than that but I'll always take a break when I can get it!

Greytminds · 15/09/2021 22:08

Nope. Love a night away occasionally. Doesn’t happen often. Do miss my DD (3.5) but the break does us good. I don’t worry at all, as she has a fantastic dad who can also very capably look after her.

shouldistop · 15/09/2021 22:09

I think at their ages it's a bit strange that it makes you feel panicky. Do you feel anxious generally?

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 15/09/2021 22:09

Nope. I trust whoever is looking after them.

Lazypuppy · 15/09/2021 22:11

Definitely not. I love my daughter, but dpn't want to be with her 24/7. Breaks away are healthy in my opinion for both parent and child

RiotAtTheRodeo · 15/09/2021 22:11

Not great that you feel panicky at the prospect of leaving them alone. Will their father be looking after them? What worries you about leaving them?

DeepaBeesKit · 15/09/2021 22:14

I don't feel panicky per se but I don't like them being under a different roof overnight. Don't know why but I don't sleep well.

No qualms at all about sending them off to preschool/childminders in the day though

SheABitSpicyToday · 15/09/2021 22:15

No way! I’ve been leaving mine since they were weeks old!

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/09/2021 22:19

I felt like this too. Perfectly honest? It didn’t do them any favours. In the (really) not too distant future they will need to be independent young people. You can help them on their path by gradually beginning to let go.
I know you think you’re doing your very best for them by always being there. The truth is, though, you’re not.
This is a really good starting point. At their ages, they’re secure but ready to begin experiencing things with other people around rather than you.

SilverConvention · 15/09/2021 22:21

I feel the same.
Only left them for the first time when their father and I separated, they were six and ten.
You're definitely not alone, but it definitely seems we are chided for not wanting to leave our children.

Original poster
ilkleymoorbartat · 15/09/2021 22:23

I'm an introvert so I think the panicky feeling is just generally bring away from home. They'll be with my husband, who is brilliant. There is really no need to worry, I just don't like the feeling of being away from them.

It's interesting you say that @MrsSkylerWhite, my mum Was the same and I know it did her no favours.

OP posts:
SilverConvention · 15/09/2021 22:23

Completely disagree with above poster. Mine are both independent, but as young children, I believe a strong bond with their primary carer is optimal, and gives them secure attachments, designed to make them feel fully supported and very secure.
No one, except their other parent, will love them as much as we do.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 15/09/2021 22:24

My son is 2 and I've had two instances recently of leaving him.
One in June for 3 nights and then one night in July. He was absolutely fine but he did ask for me.

We have a wedding this weekend and it means my son will go to my parents for a night. We could have made it two nights but I just don't want to be away from him. I think having those other times away from him just makes me feel sad I missed those days with him and he's still my baby!
I am 29 weeks pregnant too and so our days are numbered now of it just being me, DH and DS and I just want to give as much attention to DS as I can
He's just so cute and I love him so much.

What works for some of us just doesn't work for others.

daffodil10 · 15/09/2021 22:26

Completely agree with skylarwhite. The greatest gift you can give your children is independence. By being by their side constantly they are not able to form bonds with other children and adults. This will increase any anxiety they will have when they have to be separated from you. A friend of mine insisted on getting a job at primary and then secondary school that her children attended so she could be with them everyday. The eldest is now desperate to go to uni to get away but is also beside themselves with anxiety about going. When we used to go to weddings she would sit with the children all evening and wouldn't allow them to mix with other kids and she didn't mix with the adults. You are really not doing your children any favours I'm afraid

Fernando072020 · 15/09/2021 22:27

My son is only 14 months old so I have NO clue how I'll feel in the future but for now, I never feel like I need a break from him (like away for a night). I had lunch with a friend last week and she was like so this is first afternoon out without DS, how does it feel?

And honestly, it was so lovely to give my friend my full concentration Nd just chat properly but I didn't feel like I was relieved to be away from him.

NotReallyAPrincess · 15/09/2021 22:27

No, I don’t get this. I think I did at first - DS was about six months old when I first left him with DH overnight and went on a work trip. I deliberately picked a trip where I couldn’t panic and return!

We were both fine and I’ve been on regular work and leisure trips away. I just think it’s not realistic to never be away without serious modifications to how we love our lives, but that might not apply to you, especially if you don’t like socialising or trips away anyway.

No one’s forcing you to go, so do what will make you happiest!

NotReallyAPrincess · 15/09/2021 22:28

*how we live our lives.

RiotAtTheRodeo · 15/09/2021 22:29

@SilverConvention

Completely disagree with above poster. Mine are both independent, but as young children, I believe a strong bond with their primary carer is optimal, and gives them secure attachments, designed to make them feel fully supported and very secure. No one, except their other parent, will love them as much as we do.
Can a strong bond not be fostered if a mother spends a night away from her children? Odd to have such an all or nothing mentality.
JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 15/09/2021 22:36

@daffodil10

Completely agree with skylarwhite. The greatest gift you can give your children is independence. By being by their side constantly they are not able to form bonds with other children and adults. This will increase any anxiety they will have when they have to be separated from you. A friend of mine insisted on getting a job at primary and then secondary school that her children attended so she could be with them everyday. The eldest is now desperate to go to uni to get away but is also beside themselves with anxiety about going. When we used to go to weddings she would sit with the children all evening and wouldn't allow them to mix with other kids and she didn't mix with the adults. You are really not doing your children any favours I'm afraid
Sorry but this is just an example of someone taking it to the extreme which isn't what the OP said or comes across like at all.

My son goes to nursery 4 days, his grandparents Day 5 and me and DH take him to play parks, soft play, family and friends houses to play. I just don't want him to be away from us at night.
That's not going to make him dependant on us.

Crazycakelady17 · 15/09/2021 22:43

I have had 3 holidays abroad and a weekend abroad with sister and friends plus various weekends with DH my DC are a lot older now but been doing this since before my youngest was born she’s 11,
My DH was in the forces and went away lots of time over the 20 years he served the worst was when he went a day before youngest 1st birthday
I think my view might be slightly different because of this.
I think it’s important for children to have independence and strong bonds with other people family and friends
All 3 of my children are very independent and confident young people

GTAlogic · 15/09/2021 22:52

No, mine are late primary aged and both dh and I look forward to being away from them for the odd day or night. My mum sometimes takes them on holiday for a few days and we relish that time without them. We love our children dearly and we have a very strong bond but that doesn't mean we can't have the time or space to just be ourselves or to focus on our relationship with each other.

MrsSkylerWhite · 15/09/2021 23:00

My son goes to nursery 4 days, his grandparents Day 5 and me and DH take him to play parks, soft play, family and friends houses to play. I just don't want him to be away from us at night.
That's not going to make him dependant on us.“

With the utmost respect, there’s a world of difference between nursery-aged children (when I did not leave them overnight - though with hindsight, I would now) and a 7 year old child.