No wonder mum's are scared to ask for help with their mental health

[SafeguardingWhenSeekingHelp]

I'm currently pregnant, I have other DC at home with me.

I have a fair bit of trauma in my childhood which I finally wanted to be proactive about addressing so I referred myself to IAPT in the hopes of getting some counselling. I've had PND in the past that I didn't get help for because I was worried about intrusion from the authorities, so this time I wanted to get ahead of the curve incase it came back.

After a lengthy wait I finally had my telephone assessment yesterday and after asking me lots of personal questions about my trauma the assessing psychologist then said I needed to give the names and DOB's of my children, my OH's details, the name of my obstetric consultant and my midwife for 'safeguarding' purposes.

There is no domestic violence here and my mental health doesn't impact my ability to look after my children.

I could understand if I had disclosed anything concerning that places my children at risk but I didn't. I didn't even mention my previous PND, just the childhood trauma I would like counselling for.

I've come away from the assessment feeling even more anxious than I was to begin with. Although such intrusion is supposedly routine, it does nothing to encourage expectant/postpartum mothers to trust the service, infact it plays into the very fears that prevent us from reaching out in the first place.

I can't help but feel that a private therapist wouldn't be asking for all of that information.

Regardless of what is done with the information I gave, I no longer want to pursue therapy through the service as I feel my parenting is going to be under a microscope and my ability to parent judged based on my wanting MH support.

AIBU to think it was totally unnessecary and overstepping the mark to insist I provide all of that information at the first stage - before counselling has even been offered?

Vallmo and PlanDe I have taken heart from your posts and it's so good to read how well you were both treat at the point of your MH requiring hospitalization, in regards to your children.

Given my history of PND, anxiety and childhood traumas coming to the surface I have spent a portion of this pregnancy worrying about postnatal psychosis and whether that would happen to me, and if it did then what would happen to my children.

Perhaps an illogical worry as I have no history of psychosis (just really shit mental health in general) but catastrophising tends to be symptomatic of anxiety and depression doesn't it?

I hope you are both well. Thank you for sharing what you have.

@Xmassprout

Having social services involved isn't always a bad thing. My younger sibling still lives with our parents as they have very serious mental health illnesses. It's not unusual for them to spend several months at a time in a psychiatric hospital.

Due to the severity of their illness, when uncontrolled, they can be a danger to themselves and other. This started when they were a minor. Social services got involved fairly rapidly but as a form of support. They have helped my family access services that they never would have even been aware of.

SS sound to be a very positive thing in the case of your family and I'm pleased for them

Given my involvement with them when I was much younger I just don't have that much trust unfortunately.

OP, Children and families SS do not have access to any NHS records so would not be able to get details from there. Therapists ask these details just to cover themselves in case there is ever any need for support or safeguarding concerns. As others have said even when SS is notified it often doesn't go any further. I understand the worry about potentially giving these details and hope it doesn't put you off accessing support. Hopefully the person asking for the information explained why it was needed and how it would be used.

Thank you Blue.

The psychologist did explain why they need it yes, incase anything I said gave them sufficient cause for concern and they needed to act on it.

I think what would have softened the process, so to speak, was the reassurance that I hadn't actually said anything that gave her cause for concern and for her to reiterate that absolutely everybody is asked those questions and I would be told in advance if she was to do anything with the information. Just some reassurance really.

(I've had alot from this thread though, so thank you!)

Fears about social services intruding with my DC are why I didn’t seek counselling even though I was suicidal with PND. I’ve had experience with SS in the past when I was a teenager - I was suicidal and they threatened to take me to a residential unit for observation and medication. Needless to say I “recovered” immediately, made all the right noises and they left me alone. Then I continued to struggle with the same issues on my own for years to come.

@RosyPoesy

Fears about social services intruding with my DC are why I didn’t seek counselling even though I was suicidal with PND. I’ve had experience with SS in the past when I was a teenager - I was suicidal and they threatened to take me to a residential unit for observation and medication. Needless to say I “recovered” immediately, made all the right noises and they left me alone. Then I continued to struggle with the same issues on my own for years to come.

I'm so sorry Rosy, it's no wonder you felt the way you did about asking for help with PND. Heartbreaking.

Did you ever get the help you so desperately needed? If not then what helped you? I hope you found healing eventually.

One thing I’ve always been told is that IF there was a need for referral, that would always be done WITH me rather than behind my back iyswim

OP im going to be vague on details as its not me, but I do have a friend (we're both social workers) who experienced post partum psychosis in unfortunately one of the textbook concerning ways - she had thoughts and plans to harm her child (due to the psychosis, she had times where she believed the baby wasn't her baby and was something evil) Really really sad, but even with something that severe, there was a plan put around her as to supervising her with baby, and dad was there when she needed to be in for treatment. She also had a specialist service to help her with bonding once she started to recover.

Someone seeking support for their MH is being proactive in getting help they might need, so on that score SS would see that you're being responsible. The times when they do get really concerned about MH would be if a parent isn't getting support they need (whatever the reason) to the extent that it could impact the child AND if there is no one in the family/friend network who can step in to protect against that risk.

Something to bear in mind is if you are anxious, you could discuss with a therapist a hypothetical worst case scenario plan. Eg if you went to an appointment one day and they were so concerned they detained you immediately or said they thought you were a danger to the children (not quite how it works but talking anxieties that might spin in your head) -
Who you'd want them to talk to
Who else cares for the children
Who you'd want to be pulled in to help (extended family or friend for example)

Sometimes just having that knowledge of what the plan would be, takes away the fear a little bit.

They only ask those things to keep you safe and to help you. SS won't get involved unless they think you're at immediate risk of harming yourself or them. You can and will get help but you need to trust them and be 100% willing to accept it. Resenting them because they asked you relevant questions will not help you. Let down the barrier a bit and try

Hey OP,

This is my job, they ask because some people may disclose thing from the past. It's usually better if they do. Just from a therapy situation.

Social Services will only get involved if the person working with you has safeguarding concerns.

If they don't then then they will not get any information unless it is completely relevant to the situation. Eg previous post natal issues, looked for help, support given. Also that is only with your consent.

Please engage, you wanted to enough to self refer so it might make things easier. Good luck!

I

Apologies OP,

So in your case, you know you have had an issues with post natal and you are looking to get ahead of the curve.

You have self referred so you can be prepared.

That shows safeguarding for you, your children and the baby.

That's all anyone wants is for you and your children to be ok. If you need support then that's what it is there for

It's a really shit, lazy practice that take no account of how walls go up when people hear it. They have every record they need should anything be disclosed that needs to be addressed.

If a woman did say, for example, that she does occasionally have suicidal thoughts but zero intention of acting on them - would that trigger a safeguarding issue for a therapist?

Thank you for the replies btw!

Did you ever get the help you so desperately needed? If not then what helped you?
I suppose you could argue that if I’d received appropriate treatment for my suicidal feelings as a teenager, then I wouldn’t have felt suicidal as a woman in my 20s, nor as a mum in my 30s. I do think that mental health interventions should be less intrusive and guided more by the patient’s wishes (as physical health interventions are). People want help but not if it comes with a side order of judgement and loss of control. As for what has helped me - nothing, I still have the same problems. I’m smart enough to realise that if I seek help the situation will rapidly escalate out of my control.

I do think that mental health interventions should be less intrusive and guided more by the patient’s wishes (as physical health interventions are). People want help but not if it comes with a side order of judgement and loss of control.

I totally agree with you there.

Mothers being frightened to ask for help with their MH is such a widespread thing, they are frightened for a reason.

I think it's brilliant that some (like those mentioned on this thread) get the right support without being effectively penalised for being unwell, but for every few that are treat well there will be twice the amount who live to regret opening up.

Sadly I've heard a few too many horror stories, from reputable sources mind, not just hearsay, of women going to their GP about depression for example then ending up with their DC under SS which just makes everything so much worse stress wise.

I think you should actually feedback how you feel via PALs or the relevant patient forum because actually I think lots of women in your situation would be really put off and worried by it. Even if that’s not “justified” it still will have that impact on many, many people seeking help.
I know when I was very anxious (thankfully pre kids) I would have struggled massively if that had been the first question and probably just walked away.

@Cuddlemonsters

I think you should actually feedback how you feel via PALs or the relevant patient forum because actually I think lots of women in your situation would be really put off and worried by it. Even if that’s not “justified” it still will have that impact on many, many people seeking help. I know when I was very anxious (thankfully pre kids) I would have struggled massively if that had been the first question and probably just walked away.

Do you think so?

I'll definitely consider it because it's such a big issue isn't it.

So many times I've read on here how people are scared to reach out for exactly that reason. They don't want to be quizzed and interrogated about their parenting.

My OH was coming out of the toilet when I was listing off the kids names and DOB's, he looked quite concerned himself and after the call asked what they wanted that information for.

I just read back my OP and realised I missed something, she wanted to know my due date aswell!

Asking my due date was part of the safeguarding set of questions along with my children's names etc.

All combined is enough to put off most anxious mum's I think.

This has me sweating as a single parent who's finally reached out for help to deal with the child abuse I went through, awaiting assessment. Doubting my decision now.

@Spongeboob

This has me sweating as a single parent who's finally reached out for help to deal with the child abuse I went through, awaiting assessment. Doubting my decision now.

I'm so sorry my thread has made you feel that way

I hope you're able to take some reassurance from the multiple posters who work in the area and have said I have nothing to worry about.