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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

£200 stag weekend and I can’t afford deodorant

372 replies

PollyPocket245 · 15/09/2021 10:02

Am I being unreasonable to feel upset?

I am a SAHM to my 1 year old DD, we live in the middle of no where, no shops, buses, I can drive but don’t have a car. I’ve asked to move but my partner says we simply can’t afford it, or to get me a car.

I never have any money because I don’t work and we can’t afford childcare for me to work. Not entitled to anything because my partner ‘earns too much’ which I understand. I’m so upset after my partner went away on a stag do to London and spent £200 while I can’t afford to buy deodorant

OP posts:
HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 10:05

Wtf?

So basically your partner is keeping you in a financial and physical jail?

Christ, get out. Leave.

Have you got anyone you can go to? Parents? Friends?

Comefromaway · 15/09/2021 10:05

Why are you still with him?

GladAllOver · 15/09/2021 10:06

You have every right to feel upset. This doesn't sound like a balanced relationship. Wish I could offer better advice.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 15/09/2021 10:09

If he earns too much for you to be eligible for any financial assistance, then he earns (more than) enough to support his partner.
YANBU in the slightest.

Ionlydomassiveones · 15/09/2021 10:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

bigbaggyeyes · 15/09/2021 10:10

You'd be better off being a sahp single parent with benefits. Leave him!

Ozanj · 15/09/2021 10:12

This is financial abuse. Leave him. You would be better off financially and mentally to take your lg and go on benefits by yourself.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 15/09/2021 10:12

Are you married? Do you own the house?

SoundBar · 15/09/2021 10:13

Is this a joke?

This is abuse

Please get help

Noshowwithoutpunch · 15/09/2021 10:16

If you are living on your own with your dc you will receive more financial help than what you are getting living with him.
You will also be out of his control.
Win-win.

Original poster
PollyPocket245 · 15/09/2021 10:17

Erm, no not a joke. Though I sometimes feel like my life is.
We aren’t married no, we rent our house. I wouldn’t know where to start, I love my little girl with my whole heart, she has given me purpose like nothing else. And I just want her to have the best life.
I don’t have family to go to, currently going through therapy for c-ptsd and DID

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 15/09/2021 10:19

Do you have access to money for shopping etc? How are your finances managed?

YouMeandtheSpew · 15/09/2021 10:20

How can you ask if you’re being unreasonable? It sounds like you’re literally his prisoner.

Do you have access to any money at all? Are you married, is your name on the house?

When you say you can’t afford childcare, do you mean that he won’t pay for it or that if you returned to work your likely wage wouldn’t cover it, or both? What did you do for work before you had your DD?

Lockdownbear · 15/09/2021 10:21

Start of by claiming Child Benefit, sod the fact he'd need to pay extra tax.
Then get yourself out of that situation.

Cattitudes · 15/09/2021 10:24

Quite apart from the financial abuse you both need to consider that you doing some work would mean that you are in a better position when your child starts school, easier to get a job when you have a job. Childcare can be offset against some of your h tax. You can start building your own pension. Now is a good time to get a job with a worker shortage. He can take your child to nursery in the car. If he won't support you working then he needs to give you enough to live on. Make sure you gather evidence of his income/assets before you leave.

StrawberrySanta · 15/09/2021 10:24

Tell him to quit his job to be a SAHD so you can work and get a car and go on weekends away instead of him!

LittleOwl153 · 15/09/2021 10:25

You need to get rid of your financially and emotionally arousing partner. That will likely help your mental health too.

Get yourself onto entitledto.co.uk. Given you have a 1 year old, you could get £1100+ a month on universal credit plus most of your rent and council tax paid. You do not need to live with this.

0palescent · 15/09/2021 10:25

Do you (as a couple, not you individually) have particularly high outgoings on his income?

I'd be really concerned if you were my friend, OP, you've been made very isolated and dependent on him. I think you should speak to Women's Aid for advice.

YouTubeAddict · 15/09/2021 10:26

Sounds like my ex-husband. I worked part time but facilitated his career by caring for our son on the days when he was working. My salary and child benefit paid for childcare. All I had to myself was £40 a month tax credits whilst he was living it up on nights out. My mum would buy me clothes when she noticed that my few cheap clothes had holes in them and I couldn’t afford to buy more as our son needed milk/nappies.

girlmom21 · 15/09/2021 10:38

If he's earning too much for you to get financial support you could absolutely afford childcare if you were working too.

Childcare costs are both of your responsibilities.

Do you want to be with him? He sounds awful to be honest. I agree with those who say to leave as it sounds like he's financially abusing you.

appleturnovers · 15/09/2021 10:41

Your partner earns too much for you to get any benefits and yet you can't afford deodorant?? You live together and you are raising the child BOTH of you created, you are a PARTNERSHIP. Every single penny he earns should be yours jointly. You should have exactly the same quality of life he has. If you said "fuck it, I'm getting a job" he would be forced to give up his job to look after the baby, or else pay for childcare out of his own pay packet so that he could carry on working. In other words, YOUR labour in the home is what allows him to go to work and earn the money he does. Therefore his pay packet should be considered joint family money.

This is called financial abuse. Don't put up with it.

KnobblyWand · 15/09/2021 10:41

What access to the family finances do you have?

When you say you can't afford to buy deodorant, are you saying that you have separate finances?

To have separate finances you'd actually have to have finances wouldn't you, and since you don't work or receive any sort of benefits, you don't.

Original poster
PollyPocket245 · 15/09/2021 10:43

I don’t have access to any money no, nothing going into my account anyway.
In terms of outgoings, I honestly have no clue. I sound stupid saying that I know but we aren’t married, I’ve never felt like I have any right to his money. I do sometimes think he spends too much money on food shopping but that’s out of my control because I can’t go to the shops. It’s a bit of a loop. A lonely loop at that

OP posts:
wedwewerpink · 15/09/2021 10:43

Leave OP, anything is better than that!!

CaveMum · 15/09/2021 10:45

You are in a very precarious position being a SAHM and not being married. However the upside is that not being married means you can walk away from him right now. He is abusing you, financially and emotionally. In fact he is committing a crime - that of coercive control: assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/482528/Controlling_or_coercive_behaviour_-_statutory_guidance.pdf

Look at this list of signs off coercive control, there’s also a quiz you can take at the end: www.laurarichards.co.uk/what-are-the-signs-of-coercive-control/

You need to contact Women’s Aid for advice and also the local council to ask them to house you and your daughter as a priority. Do you have friends you could go to right now, would they pay for a taxi to collect you, DD and your essential belongings.

Leaving will be hard, but it is something you need to do for you AND for your DD.