Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To decide when bedtime is for my baby?

72 replies

BedtimeDebate · 15/09/2021 09:53

NC for this because my husband is amazing, but he’s annoying me so don’t want him to seem like a twat if my other posts become outing.

We have a 5, nearly 6 month old. I EBF so I do all night time wake ups (which I have no objections to, it’s my choice by EBF). DS wakes 3-4 times a night, more during the regression that we’re starting to come out of. I also put him to bed every night because I breastfeed right before putting him down.

DS goes to sleep at around 9 to 9.30pm for 11 to 12 hours a night. If he’s had a late nap, then it’s closer to 9.30pm, if it’s earlier or a short one, then it’s more like 9pm but earlier if he’s tired.

That bedtime works for me because it means we wake up around 8 to 9am in the morning. I also go to bed around midnight, sometimes later so I can have some me time after my husband goes to bed.

DH thinks it’s too late and he should be going to bed at 8pm. He has no reason for that, just says DS needs to go to bed earlier.

My position is I do bed time, I do all night feeds, so I don’t want to be waking up at 7 to 8am. I do all the work, so I should decide. Obviously when DS starts nursery when I go back to work, it will come forward, but for now, it works for us both.

AIBU for taking that approach?

Before anyone asks, we share lie ins on weekends (I have one on Saturdays and DH has Sundays), so I do try and get some sleep rest then. He is also more hands on during the weekend, but less so on weekday evenings, but if I need him to do something, he will do it without complaint.

OP posts:
takealettermsjones · 15/09/2021 09:55

YANBU at all. I'd just keep asking him why? What you're doing is working, so what's the reasoning behind changing it? Unless he can come up with some stellar evidence based reason (doubtful) then just tell him no.

Samafe · 15/09/2021 09:59

My DH asked me to move DS bed time gradually from 9.30 to 8PM so that we can have some "couple" time at least in the evenings. I found it reasonable and I did it. It was a good decision for us as a couple.

BedtimeDebate · 15/09/2021 09:59

Thank you! I guess I’m wondering whether I’m being selfish for not taking DH’s views and opinions into account by solely deciding what our child does.

I have asked several times why does it need to be earlier, and he can’t answer. He just thinks it’s what babies and children do, go to bed early.

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 15/09/2021 10:01

I think children do better on earlier bedtimes. The best part of the day is gone if you wake every day at 9am.
Also you may find it harder than you think to shift back to a earlier evening routine. I have friends who ended up with overtired overstimulated babies who couldn't tune out, and then contortions controlled crying bootcamps etc to get them into a reasonable sleep wake cycle.
3 or 4 times a night is quite a disrupted night for you and him even, I'm sure he is just wondering whether an earlier bedtime might fit better with circadian rhythms ??

CatalinaCasesolver · 15/09/2021 10:06

My daughter went to bed late as a baby then as she got older her bedtime became earlier. When she was in her own room at around 9 months I started getting her into a routine in the evenings with bath, story etc and putting her to bed at 7ish. This worked really well. Babies don't tend to follow the same rules as toddlers/children.

Nettleskeins · 15/09/2021 10:07

When your Ds starts on solid food you may find the day changes too...breakfast with a weaning baby at 9.30 is going to take a lot of the morning ...food prep mess etc. If you plan to go to baby groups meet others it just seems out of synch with most families sleep patterns.
Going to bed at midnight seems too late...esp in winter ..be awake when there's day light, not up all night

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/09/2021 10:13

Yanbu at all

Totally up to you as you’re the one it affects

He probably wants to have an “evening” together but at baby stage it’s not the most important thing.

KeyWorker · 15/09/2021 10:19

YANBU but may it be so you guys can have an evening together? Also, if you are heading back to work at the end of maternity leave it may be beneficial that an earlier bedtime means easier for an early start in the morning, but of course that depends on the hours you work and where you childcare is ect. But for the current situation, YANBU especially as he can’t articulate a reason for moving bedtime.

HurryUpAndWait23 · 15/09/2021 10:22

YANBU.

If that works for you and you're both happy then DH can wait til he starts nursery.

No boobies, no opinion.

Mamamovingnorth · 15/09/2021 10:56

Our 5 month old goes to bed around 9. It just works better for me. Do whatever is best for you and DS! Your husband doesn’t seem unreasonable, he’s just got an opinion and doesn’t understand the ‘night shift’ fully.

EatYourVegetables · 15/09/2021 11:01

YANBU.

The obsession with babies going to sleep early is entirely British and not present in many other cultures. Do what works for you. If later you find out you need an earlier start for nursery / baby groups / work / school, you shift it by 15 min a day. It’s not impossible, as proved by anyone who has experienced jet pag or daylight savings.

My NCT class was full of babies who went to sleep at 6pm (as a proper baby should) and then shock and horror woke up wvery day at 5am Confused

Tee20x · 15/09/2021 11:09

If he is not helping with nighttime then ultimately it is up to you to do what you know works best as it doesn't affect him. That being said, if he has a legitimate reason e.g. wanting to spend time with you as a couple that would be different, but if it's just a case of "because babies should sleep earlier" then that's rubbish.

I read on here all the time parents breaking their back to fit in to the 7-7 mould, for what reason I don't know. Unless it works for you personally why do it just to fit the norm.

I know I certainly don't want to be waking at 7am for no reason. My DD goes down anywhere between 8.30-9.30 depending on how much she sleeps in the day and when her last nap is.

Perfectly fine for me.

3cats4poniesandababy · 15/09/2021 11:09

My little one used to go down at 8.30/9 ish. This changed once on solids and groups started (we were a lovkdown baby). I moved slowly forwards to suit us and our life.

I do think your husband is allowed an opinion though. He may want some couple time but that is a conversation for you and him to have. It needs to be what works for your family and relationship.

Twickerhun · 15/09/2021 11:14

I used to love having my babies with us in the evening. It was family bonding time and they went to bed at 9 ish at that age. But it quite quickly changed that they needed an earlier bed time and an earlier start so don’t get to hung up on what’s right. Their routines change so fast .

EatYourVegetables · 15/09/2021 11:17

Just to add that the a DH who is not helping with bedtime but is requesting “couple time” in the evening is not a partner but an extra whiny child requiring his DWs attention and as such a MASSIVE turn off.

(Not saying this is the case here but a few postera mentioned it.)

Alarae · 15/09/2021 11:18

My 18m DD only recently started to go to bed at 7:30pm after dropping to one nap. Prior to that, it was pretty much 8:30-9pm. She sleeps through and wakes up around 7am.

It was nice for her to start going to bed earlier as it mean I could spend time with DH and we weren't eating extremely late anymore (one time it was 10:30pm as the bloody recipe took ages! It was only mac & cheese!)

We followed her lead when it came to sleep and she has been wonderful. Never saw the point of trying to force a sleep if she wasn't ready.

JassyRadlett · 15/09/2021 11:24

My second was a total night owl as a baby. His longest awake stretch was basically 6-9.30. DH loved it as it meant he got to spend time with him after work.

When he was 5-6 months old he suddenly started falling asleep at 7.30 instead - he just set his own body clock and bedtime when he was ready.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2021 11:36

I think if anyone asks you to do something and their answer is 'just because, that's what other people do' then you shouldn't listen to them.

If he comes up with something concrete eg studies that show young babies sleep better when they go to bed earlier or something then you listen. Or if he has an actual reason like he wants to spend time with you after dinner, fair enough.

It will only be a few months until they are eating and you can night wean if you want (I might weaned both my EBF babies at 7 months) and then its easier to reassess bedtime, because either of you can do it, and you can just put them down to bed whenever is convenient for you because you suddenly have the option of going out in the evening etc

Goldbar · 15/09/2021 11:47

Presumably, unless you adjust your bedtime, that's going to mean less sleep for you.

I'd say no unless he's willing to do the early mornings and help with night wakings. You're the one doing the work and you have a system that suits you. He seems to see the baby as being mostly your "job" and, well, you don't tell him how to do his job, do you? So he can extend you the same courtesy and butt out.

NotMyCat · 15/09/2021 11:47

@Nettleskeins

I think children do better on earlier bedtimes. The best part of the day is gone if you wake every day at 9am. Also you may find it harder than you think to shift back to a earlier evening routine. I have friends who ended up with overtired overstimulated babies who couldn't tune out, and then contortions controlled crying bootcamps etc to get them into a reasonable sleep wake cycle. 3 or 4 times a night is quite a disrupted night for you and him even, I'm sure he is just wondering whether an earlier bedtime might fit better with circadian rhythms ??
It's not the best part of the day though for everyone Confused I'm a night owl and my best part of the day is around 10pm You're not missing out on anything if you're awake 9-9 instead of 7-7, it's just people have it down that being up early is somehow superior
DicklessWonder · 15/09/2021 11:52

@Nettleskeins

I think children do better on earlier bedtimes. The best part of the day is gone if you wake every day at 9am. Also you may find it harder than you think to shift back to a earlier evening routine. I have friends who ended up with overtired overstimulated babies who couldn't tune out, and then contortions controlled crying bootcamps etc to get them into a reasonable sleep wake cycle. 3 or 4 times a night is quite a disrupted night for you and him even, I'm sure he is just wondering whether an earlier bedtime might fit better with circadian rhythms ??
Family of owls. DD slept midnight till noon, which suited us perfectly (which is all that really matters). She slept through most baby classes (because they were in the morning) and soft plays closed earlier than would have suited us, but I wouldn’t have attempted to make her sleep earlier because of that.

Still an owl 11 years on. Not sure how you’re measuring “doing better” but she’d finished primary school maths by 9.5 and is now covering GCSE level work at almost 11. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DicklessWonder · 15/09/2021 11:53

It's not the best part of the day though for everyone confused I'm a night owl and my best part of the day is around 10pm
You're not missing out on anything if you're awake 9-9 instead of 7-7, it's just people have it down that being up early is somehow superior

Completely agree. I do my best work between 10pm and 1am.

DicklessWonder · 15/09/2021 11:58

@Nettleskeins

When your Ds starts on solid food you may find the day changes too...breakfast with a weaning baby at 9.30 is going to take a lot of the morning ...food prep mess etc. If you plan to go to baby groups meet others it just seems out of synch with most families sleep patterns. Going to bed at midnight seems too late...esp in winter ..be awake when there's day light, not up all night
You can see more of the universe at midnight. Wink. Give me a sunset over a sun rise any day.

Honestly, you seem to have a very narrow view point here. It’s enough good quality sleep that is important, not time of day. Plenty of studies around how damaging it can be to try and make babies and toddlers sleep differently to their own circadian rhythms if you want to expand your mind a bit.

TreeTed · 15/09/2021 11:58

@EatYourVegetables

YANBU.

The obsession with babies going to sleep early is entirely British and not present in many other cultures. Do what works for you. If later you find out you need an earlier start for nursery / baby groups / work / school, you shift it by 15 min a day. It’s not impossible, as proved by anyone who has experienced jet pag or daylight savings.

My NCT class was full of babies who went to sleep at 6pm (as a proper baby should) and then shock and horror woke up wvery day at 5am Confused

This! Had one friend who’s kids had to go to bed at 6pm to spend the evening with her DH. Other cultures actually like their kids spending time together eating a family meal, not feeding the kids at 4pm then the adults at 8pm. It’s normal for kids to nap during the day to spend time as a family in the evenings. The U.K. thinks it’s fine for everyone to get up at 6am to have the evenings child free, some people like spending time with their kids and actually eating as a family. Which only works with people returning from work with eating later. It works so don’t change it!
TreeTed · 15/09/2021 11:59

@Nettleskeins

When your Ds starts on solid food you may find the day changes too...breakfast with a weaning baby at 9.30 is going to take a lot of the morning ...food prep mess etc. If you plan to go to baby groups meet others it just seems out of synch with most families sleep patterns. Going to bed at midnight seems too late...esp in winter ..be awake when there's day light, not up all night
I am totally out of sync with friends that consider 11am lunchtime and then have to be home from 4pm for evening routine. No thanks.