To come to terms with having no real friends or try again

[Sundaymorningfiveninteen]

I’ve seen a few post lately by people who are concerned or have worries about having no friends. Later in the post they might mention , one good friend . I have not got one single friend in real life . Not a single person I could message or call and ask to go out socially and not a single person who would think to do the same . I last went out socially with a group of friends in 2013 but since left that town . I get the odd message ( every 1 or 2 years ) to say we must meet up but nothing happened or notice on social media they have been out without me. Not a big deal . I’m not hurt. It’s taken me a while to realise I’m completely friendless because I actually get on really well with the people I’m surrounded by in my work. But the friendships haven’t extended beyond the working day . I keep in touch with my brother and he really does care a lot for me but he’s also in the other side of the world. I’m married, normal married relationship but we have no mutual friends. His friends or their wives just don’t socialise with me. It’s been a gradual withdrawal and one I didn’t see coming but here I am. A completely normal woman as far as I can tell who just hasn’t made friends . Never been to a hen do . Been to one wedding.
I have the occasional weekend totally by myself and they sometimes upset me . I wonder if I should try harder but how? Being completely friendless has its benefits . I’m never let down. My family have pretty much all died or scattered across the world. My DH family are good but again I just haven’t bonded with my two Sils. We are all perfectly nice but one is much younger than me and the other has a full on social life that didn’t involve me.
You wouldn’t think of it to look at me. I’m mostly ok and yet I’m probably one of the most loneliest people in the room . Maybe I should challenge myself to get out more or maybe accept this is my lot now .
Don’t get me wrong either, I like going out and on the rare occasion I end up in a social situation where I actually don’t know anyone, I have no problem joining in. We accidentally met up with a family that my DH knows on a camping trip recently and “they loved me” apparently. But no plans to meet again . I must be odd in ways I’ve no idea about.

I think more people are in this position than you would think.

If you want to make friends I’m sure you know you could probably ask friendly colleagues out for a drink after work, start volunteering, join a knitting/walking/reading/whatever group. But it takes effort and a thick skin as many people have busy lives and little time/energy to invest in new friendships.

Hi. I could have written this myself. I had 1 good friend but she moved to the other side of the country so I see her for a few days a year but otherwise I have no one but my DH. I have come to terms with it and realise the problem must be me. I have given up trying. I wouldn't even know where to start if I decided I want to try again. I'm pleasant to people at work and school gates but I think it's just me. No advice sorry but wanted to let you know your not alone in this situation x

I could have written your post, also longing for friends

To make friends you really have to make the effort. Get chatting to people, ask for their number, invite them out for coffee, message them about their day etc. Some will blossom into friendships, some won't. It's really hard but just what you have to do, especially as an adult as other people seem a bit scared of doing this as adults, I guess everyone just assumes everyone else has friends and plans!

What interests do you have or hobbies? Try joining meetup.com and look for things happening in your area. Go to each group a couple of times and see if you gel with anyone. If not, try a different group. I also didn't really have friends, I til I started going to a Nintendo meetup group and met a great friend (who sadly died two years later), then a year after that, I responded to a Facebook group post looking for people in the local area to come over to play board games and I met a lovely couple and their brother who are my good friends now three years later. I am really happy now and it was worth the anxiety/risk I felt socialising with strangers to start with. The people you are currently surrounded with might not share your interests or have personalities that gel with yours but that's ok. There are definitely people out there who will be compatible with you and who will love spending time with you and care about you, it is worth the effort to find them. In 5 or 10 years time what will you be wishing your present self had done?

I'm kind of the same. Dont have anyone I could call or arrange to go out with. I have 'old' friends that I see maybe once a year but they're not nearby. I work from home and most colleagues are in another country.

I've tried book clubs and social groups and met nice people but not anyone I would become proper friends with. I'm also single.

I'm an introvert so it doesn't bother me too much but I would quite like to have just oneclose friend, more than I'd like to have a partner.

Friendships don't just appear. You have to make them happen.

Get out and about a lot, in ways you will keep seeing the same people again and again, e.g. weekly clubs.

Identify people you click with. Suggest meeting up outside the activity, as a pair of a group of you, e.g. invite them round for coffee, or to another activity you all like. If a positive response, get their number/Facebook and make definite plans.

Then gradually continue grow the friendships. Personally I find this easiest if the friendships coalesce into a small group, rather than keep up one-on-one friendships.

Crucially, all these steps are hit and miss, some activity groups will have no-one you like, some people will be too busy to be looking for a new friend. You need to throw lots of different bait to catch a few fish.

Have you looked into local Meetup groups OP? Google Meetup and see what's near you.

I have some good friends but found myself frustrated that, as we've got older, they don't want to do much other than meet for coffee or entertain at home. They have health issues or financial issues, and one is now on permanent nights at work. I love to see them and I'm always there if they need me but I wanted to get out there and go to concerts/exhibitions, go hiking etc. I joined 2 local Meetup groups, one for socialising and one for hiking. The social one wasn't a good fit for me, so I bit the bullet and started my own! My first event was a total flop but I stuck with it and have built up such a lovely group. Now if there's an event on any of us fancy we just put it up and see who joins us.

It's not a simple solution as friendships are like gardening, they take effort, nurturing and tending to. You could always just mention at work it might be nice to have a social event occasionally?

I think the thing to do is to stay in touch with people. Every two months, arrange a catch up on the phone. You have people in your life, get closer to them.

I do think phases of life change friendship. I'm very bad at committing to proper friendships at work, which cuts off a huge area. It's just that I'm now older than most of the people I work with (have just realised it's all of them) and our lives are different.

However, I've been going to a book club for almost 18 years now and it was only about 15 years into it that I realised they were proper friends rather than people I saw at book club. I do think a lot of people are like me and quite passive in friendship.

I would agree with just doing things that you like doing that involve seeing people, and just enjoy spending that time with them. A lot of connections I have now that have led to friendship came indirectly through volunteering on committees.

We accidentally met up with a family that my DH knows on a camping trip recently and “they loved me” apparently. But no plans to meet again

Make some plans! Say to your DH - I really like X & Y, let’s invite them over for Sunday lunch (or whatever).

I get the odd message ( every 1 or 2 years ) to say we must meet up but nothing happened or notice on social media they have been out without me.

Again, it sounds like you’re waiting for them to make the effort. But crucially, if you moved away, you need to be the one with the initiative.

Again with work people - suggest a pub visit one Friday after work, or if that’s too much start some sort of lunchtime thing that’s a bit more sociable than just work.

Look, now is a perfect time. You can frame it to people as ‘the last 18 months has made me realise how much I’ve missed seeing you guys’ for the far away friends etc.

Get your DH onboard with a bit more socialising as a couple with other people and out yourself out there a bit more.

A lot of people with very stupid, simplistic answers here that don't reflect the reality of the situation. A lot of the time it's just dumb luck - I think the pandemic has driven many people to be more insular/lazy about making connections with people. Also all these 'groups' people are suggesting - sometimes people go to these groups with a ready made group of friends and choose not to mix properly. Don't just blame yourself

Same ! My best friend for years emigrated to Australia a few years ago. It's bloody tough.

Thanks for replies so far. Good advice . Some I’m tried …. Like long term investing energy into church/ clubs/ PTA when children were small. Always a good experience in the moment but never anything beyond. I have made three long geographic house moves and one smaller one since the 1990 which doesn’t help. I live in a relatively deprived area now which also doesn’t help. Not many clubs that are not sports related. I’m more organiser if jumble sales / book club type. My DHs hobbies are really masculine. Think VW camper building / motor bikes / “extreme” go pro photography for you tube ( bless him).
Honestly not looking to make excuses. I will look at the advice tonight after work and try something.
Thanks for posting . I’ve been a bit tearful over my morning coffee but as always I’ll be totally fine at work.
To those feeling the same.

My house is not the best for socialising in. Small. There isn’t the culture of dinner parties in this area or maybe I’m being to narrow minded. Socialising is the pub and due to many shift workers in my DHs circle it’s often in the day time. If I invited my DHs friends for dinner thy might think I’m trying to be posh, seriously.

Thanks @Demelza82.

It’s ok! You’ve made a positive realisation that you would like to know more people, and over time, they will become friends. Start by going to things YOU enjoy - a class or whatever. Go regularly. Add in another one. Just build your aquaintances and friends will emerge. Give yourself a year and hopefully you will look back and be proud of your efforts.

This isn't something you can 'accept as your lot', any more than, if you've not eaten peas for 10 years, accepting that peas will never happen to you again. In the same way as deciding to have some peas is a case of 'Go to the shop, buy peas, go home, cook peas, eat peas', deciding to find new friends is something you go out and do, not something that just happens to you. It might happen on it's own, sometimes, just like you might order a meal in a restaurant and suddenly realise 'Ooh, I've got peas, here!', but generally, you have to go and do friend-making activities.

It's about not focusing on making friends, though. Do a course you'll love, whether you make any friends or not. Join a club you'll love, whether you make any friends or not. Make yourself a regular in a cafe that you'll love, whether you make any friends or not. These things filter people into those who have at least one thing in common with you.

Above all, stop seeing yourself as a victim of circumstance and start creating your own circumstances. You're in charge of whether you have a hundred friends, no friends, or something in between.

@Sundaymorningfiveninteen

Thanks for replies so far. Good advice . Some I’m tried …. Like long term investing energy into church/ clubs/ PTA when children were small. Always a good experience in the moment but never anything beyond. I have made three long geographic house moves and one smaller one since the 1990 which doesn’t help. I live in a relatively deprived area now which also doesn’t help. Not many clubs that are not sports related. I’m more organiser if jumble sales / book club type. My DHs hobbies are really masculine. Think VW camper building / motor bikes / “extreme” go pro photography for you tube ( bless him). Honestly not looking to make excuses. I will look at the advice tonight after work and try something. Thanks for posting . I’ve been a bit tearful over my morning coffee but as always I’ll be totally fine at work. To those feeling the same.

Don’t let it get you down OP. You sound absolutely lovely and I’m sure people would be lucky to call you a friend. Some good advice here but saw that you’re feeling a bit teary this morning. So here is a very un-Mumsnetty virtual hug from a stranger on the internet who completely understands where you’re coming from

Hi OP

I have relocated as an adult three times. What I have learned is that friendships don't necessarily come about in the most obvious of places and being open to meeting people is important. One can easily send out " stand offish" vibes. In my current location I have no work friends as we just don't have much in common. In my past city, my friends were all from work. In my previous town, friends were from hobbies. A very close friend came from choir, and one from a training course.

I think you have to be prepared to put yourself out there and risk rejection much like dating. Actively asking people you seem to connect with (wherever you've met) for coffee etc or to do a joint activity linked to where you've met.

This is from the perspective of not having social anxiety, which I appreciate can make the above seem virtually impossible. I don't think you are anxious though by the sounds of it.

I have lots of friendship groups. I have to admit I am not great at approaching new people neither am I great at keeping in touch. I've been lucky that others have made the first move

@Demelza82

A lot of people with very stupid, simplistic answers here that don't reflect the reality of the situation. A lot of the time it's just dumb luck - I think the pandemic has driven many people to be more insular/lazy about making connections with people. Also all these 'groups' people are suggesting - sometimes people go to these groups with a ready made group of friends and choose not to mix properly. Don't just blame yourself

It's not just dumb luck, it's effort and strategy. With groups, sometimes you might fall on your feet, other times you realise it's not a group where people want to mix, cut your losses and try another.

I have a great social circle despite a few moves. I put a lot of thought and effort into it - putting myself out there to find people, working out which people are interested and how to get people from 'acquaintance' to 'friend', inviting friends to things and organising group activities, checking in with them from time to time. It's definitely a skill set.