DD (9) called ugly and dumb by her cousin, apparently "that's just her sense of humour"

[YourFinestPantaloons]

My DD came back from exH's on Sunday pretty annoyed. She has an iPad there and is allowed to message family members from it. Long story short: her 11yo cousin messaged her calling her "dumb and ugly". Basically they were sending each other questions and answers using some app - such as 'what's my best quality' and 'what celebrity do I look like' and the other person had to answer.

The question generated from my DD to her cousin (a cousin on exH's side) was "what three words describe me the best". 11yo replied 'ugly and dumb' DD said she screen shotted it on her iPad (which stays at exH's). I usually very much work on a need to know basis with exH but this time asked him to send me the screen shots, before I made any accusations. He did today - and DD was right.

I asked exH if he could please speak to his sister (the cousin's mum) about this as I think that's pretty nasty and crossing a line. He refused, so I contacted her via Facebook. She rang and said "Oh that's just DD's sense of humour, tell your DD not to be so sensitive."

AIBU to be fucking raging and think this is a terrible lesson to teach kids? That you can say nasty things as long as that's your 'sense of humour'

This is why kids of that age shouldn’t be messing on iPads. Her cousin probably was being silly but you can’t tell tone from messages. Older kids would have put a winky face or a ‘haha’ to show it was a joke.

Well, put it this way. If I had a friend (or family member) who called me ugly and dumb(even if they were ‘joking’) I wouldn’t be contacting them from that point onwards.

Build your DDs self esteem by encouraging her not to maintain friendships with nasty, negative people. If her cousin wants to apologise for upsetting her (even if she meant it as a joke ) then they can resume contact.

Also, ‘you are ugly and dumb, haha winky face’ doesn’t make it ok!

YANBU. Word fail me. I’m glad your dd had the sense to screen shot it and tell you, and hope she has the sense not to speak to her cousin again if she can help it.

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

This is why kids of that age shouldn’t be messing on iPads. Her cousin probably was being silly but you can’t tell tone from messages. Older kids would have put a winky face or a ‘haha’ to show it was a joke.

But it clearly wasn’t a joke, so why would she have added some ‘winky’ face?

Plus how is ‘you’re ugly and dumb’ funny? You’ll need to explain.

The problem is I have absolutely no control over what happens at exH's WRT the children. And I don't want to have control - he was a controlling man and he'd only use it as a reason to start dictating how I live my life and raise them.

If it were up to me she wouldn't have an iPad that she can use so freely. But it's not up to me!

The good news is she's only there EOW

I’m not saying it’s very funny but this is how young people talk to each other. The teenagers I work with are always saying things like ‘don’t be so dumb you weirdo’ etc to each other. Apparently it’s banter.

@WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor

I’m not saying it’s very funny but this is how young people talk to each other. The teenagers I work with are always saying things like ‘don’t be so dumb you weirdo’ etc to each other. Apparently it’s banter.

My DD is 4 years off being a teen. I work with teenagers too and I wouldn't allow any to get away with saying "you're ugly and dumb" when asked how to describe them

It’s only a joke in the true sense if both people are aware of it being a joke. If my brother for example called me an idiot it would be a joke but if someone is upset by it, it obviously isn’t

Well she can't count for one.
Ugly one word. Dumb two words. Unless she's counting and as a word.
Unfortunately op there are teens in the world who are vicious sods. They grow into bitchy adults and have rotten children.
I'd give them a swerve from now on and try to limit screen time as you approach teenage years.

I loathe people who try to explain away bad behaviour with excuses like

• thats just how he/she/I am
• it's just a joke
• it's banter

NO
it's bullying
Stop it

YANBU to be annoyed with the response you got from the mother or the comment itself. “It’s just her sense of humour” is a cop out. If that’s what counts as a sense of humour then that branch of the family at least sound thick as shit and dull as fuck.