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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Frustrated and lonely in my marriage

11 replies

holeinyourhead · 14/09/2021 17:26

Hello. I am nervous of Mumsnet as I have had a bit of abuse in the past for baring my soul, I hope this is not a mistake sharing this. I'm in my late 40s, been with my DH for 17 years. We have two kids. We haven't really had a regular sex life for the last decade, probably after my daughter was born. On average it's about 4 times a year, maybe 6 at best. We have discussed it at length and his libido just isn't that high, whereas mine is off the charts and it always has been. It culminated in an affair on my part with a lonely married man who had the same problem as me - that soon ended and my husband and I patched things up; he was very good to let that go and was desperate for us to stay together. I have carried a lot of guilt about it and I am aware I strayed and what that did to our relationship. However he refused to have counselling at this point (there were plenty of things wrong with our relationship at that point but we have managed to muddle along and things have improved there) and I think he thinks everything is just fine between us these days. So we have continued on and on the whole we get on ok but the sex is the same and despite toys, underwear, weekends away, all things I have initiated, nothing has really changed and it's becoming increasingly infrequent and I have had many years of frustration and loneliness to be honest. We have talked about it a lot and he feels rotten about it. But nothing ever changes and the longer this dynamic continues the less I want to sleep with anyway. I am no longer initiating things. We have a good life together, almost as friends really, and the kids are lovely. I am aware of how fortunate I am in most other ways. He tells me I am gorgeous and sexy and loves it when I get attention from other men. But he never wants to have sex. He's just tired all the time. It has to be when he is ready, and that is increasingly rarely now.

Do I just live with it now? Is this as good as it gets? Do I attempt counselling again? Is my marriage over? Or should I just stop complaining and get on with it?

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 14/09/2021 17:29

You’ve given it a good go, time to move on and get the life you want.

Original poster

holeinyourhead · 14/09/2021 17:33

@GoodnightGrandma

You’ve given it a good go, time to move on and get the life you want.

Thank you x

OP posts:

SugarNyx · 14/09/2021 17:44

If you are just friends could you consider an open marriage? If not I would leave tbh. You only get one life. Why spend it miserable and horny?

L0stinCyberspace · 14/09/2021 17:58

I practically wrote the same post a few weeks ago. I'm miserable. Want to be wanted. Dh plods on, happy in his lot, I hate the situation and am unwilling to live the rest of my life like this.

Original poster

holeinyourhead · 14/09/2021 21:13

Yes I would consider it but he is Irish Catholic and we discussed it once - he can't even imagine such a scenario. So I am weirdly fending off other miserable, horny, married men and pretending it's all ok at home. I can't believe he has no idea how unhappy this is making me. Thanks x

OP posts:

Original poster

holeinyourhead · 15/09/2021 09:36

@L0stinCyberspace

I practically wrote the same post a few weeks ago. I'm miserable. Want to be wanted. Dh plods on, happy in his lot, I hate the situation and am unwilling to live the rest of my life like this.

If we were men we would probably just get on with it and have a bit on the side and think no more about it. Men can compartmentalise and justify their behaviour better than women I think. Whereas I'm considering throwing away a very good life, disrupting my kids' lives, entering the unknown... and I guess you are too.

OP posts:

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/09/2021 10:09

I think you have every justification if he refuses to confront this problem head on and deal with it, which appears so from your post, of deciding what happens next. You could start a very discreet friendship with one of these horny unhappy married men in the same situation and attempt to carry on as normal at home. Or you split up and then you are absolutely free to do as you wish. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide, having been there myself I know this is not an easy path.

L0stinCyberspace · 15/09/2021 10:27

@holeinyourhead yes I am contemplating this. What I actually want is for DH to realise that this "marriage" is not viable and to decide to amicably separate. Because there is no hostility I'd be ok if we continued to share the house but see other people privately. Dh keeps insisting he wants me and loves me. He doesn't...at least not in the way I need him to. I'm just his security blanket.

Original poster

holeinyourhead · 15/09/2021 10:32

@L0stinCyberspace blimey our situations are identical. Makes it all the more difficult to call it a day doesn't it. Seems unreasonable on these grounds. But here we are, talking online about how unhappy we are. Glad it isn't just me. I can't see my DH going for an open relationship at all. It's continue as we are or I end it. I keep rereading your line about marriage not being viable to and to amicably separate...

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2021 10:34

You only have one life and you shouldn’t spend it feeling this lonely. It sounds like you know what you need to do

L0stinCyberspace · 15/09/2021 12:11

@holeinyourhead yes it's a dreadful situation because I know my DH and friends/family would be shocked if I separated BUT my DH has completely ignored every single thing I've raised about our marriage for the last 8 years.

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