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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect exdp to be more supportive?

13 replies

GlowLight · 14/09/2021 12:45

Ds10 will be starting secondary school next year, so obviously we're in the season of open days/evenings.
I have asked exdp to accompany us on this as I feel it should be a decision we all make together, he was keen at first when I suggested we meet up to make a shortlist and what we both felt was right for our ds and to visit those schools accordingly.

That was 3 weeks ago, since asking I have heard nothing from him regarding this despite me asking if he was still planning on coming he has completely ignored me.
We had our first session this morning and I've just had a message from him going absolutely mad at me because he wasn't there.
I explained that I did inform him that we was going and as I hadn't seen nor heard from him I assumed he wasnt coming, to which his response was that he has another dc at home and his partner is upset that he will be out of the house a couple of evenings/early mornings per week and she doesn't think he needs to go as they live with me.
This has really angered me as I think that regardless of him having another child he has a responsibility to ds and his future prospects, so I've basically told him to piss off and I will do it alone.

It's actually left a very bitter taste in my mouth and I feel like I want to start ww3!
For context I am not that ex that calls and texts with constant demands, we used to have a very amicable co-parenting relationship until the start of his relationship and would often be able to speak about our ds.

So Aibu for expecting him to be there to make this decision with me or am I overstepping? Either way this is not going to go well as i am seething, as ds was really upset he wasn't there.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 14/09/2021 13:06

So Ex-P is going mad at you because he wasn't at the session that you'd made him aware of ... but his partner won't let him attend... Hmm
Does he think each school should hold a session when it's convenient for him?

namechange30455 · 14/09/2021 13:10

So he doesn't want you to go without him but his partner doesn't want him to go?

What the fuck does he want you to do about that? That's between him and his partner.

DowntonCrabby · 14/09/2021 13:14

Tell him to fuck off. Actually I’d just ignore drama like that to be honest.

One message with all the schools, dates and times you’ll be attending would have been sufficient when planning, what he chose to do beyond that is 100% on him.

If he keeps giving you grief I’d keep parroting back “I informed you of the dates and times” and. It engage with anything else.

Sirzy · 14/09/2021 13:18

Send him the dates and times you two will be there. If he can be arsed to turn up then the onus is on him, but ultimately If he can’t then make the decision without him

lanthanum · 14/09/2021 13:19

He seems to be cross at you because of his partner's stance, which doesn't make much sense.

If it's open evenings/mornings, all you can do is tell him when they are. If the schools are offering individual/small group visits, perhaps the diplomatic thing would be to suggest that if his partner is being awkward about the number of visits, you do an initial trawl, update him on which you think would be best, then see if you can go and look at the top one/two together.

Original poster
GlowLight · 14/09/2021 13:23

I don't know what he expects I can only do so much and this is just one thing out of the many others that have happened.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/09/2021 13:23

I would just text him dates and times and leave it up to him.

How pathetic that his partner resents him taking an interest in his child's schooling!

marioduck · 14/09/2021 13:31

What a prick. He was given the information, he knew it was important, he chose to let his son down and that is entirely on him.

What have you told your son? I hope you have been honest that dad had all the information and you're very sorry he's let him down.

If you fudge it by trying to cover for him it won't make your son any less hurt, but might easily result in him concluding it's your fault and building his dad up into the wounded party to try and make the hurt tolerable. Being honest protects him.

lockdownalli · 14/09/2021 13:47

I am a bit confused.

So he is angry with you because he chose not to go? I would simply respond saying "your anger is misdirected. You were given the option to come and chose not to."

As PP have said, you could send him a list of other times and dates and leave it at that.

I really wouldn't be going all nuclear on his arse. It won't achieve anything sadly.

TheWinterSmoulder · 14/09/2021 14:27

I would also resend the dates and times to him and I’d also say that your DS was very disappointed he didn’t come. So could he please tell DS if he’s not coming to any of the others, so he’s not expecting his dad to be there.

Original poster
GlowLight · 14/09/2021 15:15

He's angry because I didn't do more to make him go! Confused
He always projects his guilt onto me when he doesn't do something that he knows he should be doing and I've more than had enough of it.

I am absolutely loathe to send him the dates again, but I will do it even though it's now likely he won't show to any however that's his choice.

I just wanted to know if I was wrong for trying to involve him and maybe asking too much.

OP posts:
marioduck · 15/09/2021 14:22

@GlowLight

He's angry because I didn't do more to make him go! Confused He always projects his guilt onto me when he doesn't do something that he knows he should be doing and I've more than had enough of it.

I am absolutely loathe to send him the dates again, but I will do it even though it's now likely he won't show to any however that's his choice.

I just wanted to know if I was wrong for trying to involve him and maybe asking too much.

You weren't wrong for providing the information and opportunity.

You weren't wrong for not physically forcing him to attend (how would you have done that without being arrested for false imprisonment and assault?)

You weren't wrong for being upset he was taking it out on you.

He's a manipulative, controlling prick.

Have more confidence in your own judgement and disengage from his bullshit - you provide information (until school has direct contact for him) but you do not try and convince him to be a parent and you do not invest emotional energy in his nonsense.

SmokeyDevil · 15/09/2021 14:27

@LittleOwl153

So Ex-P is going mad at you because he wasn't at the session that you'd made him aware of ... but his partner won't let him attend... Hmm Does he think each school should hold a session when it's convenient for him?
Probably. Maybe his partner is insecure about him spending time with his ex so he needs separate sessions incase they start shagging on a desk somewhere. Grin

Yanbu to want him there, but if you tell him the time and place, then it's on his head to show up. If he doesn't because of whatever excuse comes to his stupid mind, then it's not your fault. Just take a screenshot of the message or email that you sent to him and tell him to check his phone or email more regularly. You aren't his manager after all.

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