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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want visitors ? long complicated one.

24 replies

jenjenns · 04/12/2007 17:18

I've just miscarried for the third time this year and I have to go to the hospital on friday to see if I need a d&c. I had to have one last time and I think I'll prob have to have one again if not I recon it'll be tablets. Thing is my husbands best mate and his wife and kids were due to be coming up for the weekend and I was going to be babysitting wife and teenage kids whilst husbands went out to watch footy but since this has happened I dont want to be around people I dont know, especially if I'm post operative. I've tried talking to them and my husband but everyone is giving me the cold shoulder now and I feel so down and cruel for not wanting people to come up that I'm almost giving in but the other half of me is so angry because this shouldnt be my responsibility right now! What should I be doing/saying/feeling?

OP posts:

PandaG · 04/12/2007 17:26

perfectly reasonable IMO - I wouldn't have wanted people round either after my DandC. THere is no should to what you are feeling, your feelings are valid whatever they are. Am that your DH is not being more understanding

3Dmincepie · 04/12/2007 17:27

So sorry that you have to go through this. Is your husband not understanding your part of the argument (for want of a better word)? Why don't you phone the wife and tell her, I'm sure she wouldn't want to impose on you if she knew, or failing all that, I'd book myself into a hotel for the weekend and let him fend for himself. Good luck, thinking of you.

andaRubberDuckinapeartree · 04/12/2007 17:29

I absolutely would cancel the weekend plans, and if I was one of the guests due to visit I would perfectly understand why you wouldn't be up for it.

nametaken · 04/12/2007 17:30

Your other half is being astonishingly selfish if he expects you to babysit his mates wife and kids while they watch football the week you've had a miscarriage. You are grieving FFS.

Can you have a word with the hospital staff, a kindly doctor or nurse perhaps and explain the situation to them and ask them to explain to your husband in no uncertain terms that you simply are not up to entertaining visitors this week-end and really should be resting in bed.

When you say everyone is giving you the cold shoulder who do you mean? Surely not the family who were supposed to be visiting. Surely not?

PoinsettiaBouquets · 04/12/2007 17:32

Can't you just do a runner and leave him to it? Do you have a relative you could go and stay with for 1 night at least? It will still be a break for the lady - new shops etc and the teenagers can sort themselves out.

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 04/12/2007 17:37

After I mc'd in July I didn't answer the phne or even open the front door for about 4 weeks as I didn't want to speak to anyone. What you are expected to do is totally unacceptable and I really feel for, it's easy for me to say you need to put your foot down but it's hard to find the strength to do something like that when you are feeling so vunerable. If the wife knew what you were going through I doubt very much that she would even consider comming.

Original poster

jenjenns · 04/12/2007 17:44

unfortunately the wife has also had a miscarriage in the past and she's convinced I need a shoulder to cry on/saviour but all I want is to be left alone. my mums coming up to look after my kids while I go into hospital so she said she doesnt want strangers about as she'll have her hands full with my little darlings. have phoned my dh's mate and explained so he's said he'll drop his wife off at the hospital to keep me company. It was when I said that I'd best be on my own that he went sulky and then my dh followed suit saying that he's always welcomed my friends and I'm a miserable cow. See my confusion point?

OP posts:

andaRubberDuckinapeartree · 04/12/2007 17:47

I think you need to lay down the law and bugger what everyone else thinks about it.

They are being INCREDIBLY selfish. You need support on YOUR terms not theirs.

If it helps, show your dh this thread.

Hulababy · 04/12/2007 17:47

Your husband is being selfish. And his friends need to realise when to keep away. Can't beleive they still want to come and impose of you when they know you are going through a mc and possibly will be post op. Even if she has had a mc herself in the past that is really insensitive of them.

Stand you ground. Say no. If necessary go back with your mum so you can't even be there.

But you look after yourself for now.

Hulababy · 04/12/2007 17:49

"my dh followed suit saying ---- I'm a miserable cow"

Says it all. Yes, of course you are miserable. You have had a mc and are grieving, and possibly in pain/uncomfortable too. Selfish stupid man!

nametaken · 04/12/2007 17:52

Jesus, I've heard it all now

Original poster

jenjenns · 04/12/2007 17:55

Thats a good idea, I think I'll go back to my mums. its a heck of a drive and it means my son will miss some school but at least I can have a little hide away for a while. thanks all for suppport I feel a little less unreasonable now x

OP posts:

Hulababy · 04/12/2007 17:57

How old is your DS? Can your DH not look after him and ensure he gets to school?

Tommy · 04/12/2007 18:01

if they want to help, they should do what you wan - not what they think you want.

Agree with hulababy - stand your ground - you do not have to do this

NorthernLurkerwithastarontop · 04/12/2007 18:05

your dh has some excuse for his stupidity - he is grieving too and probably is trying to deal with that by carrying on as 'normal'
However your friends are just being insensitive - there is no such thing as the house guest who doesn't make work!

goingfor3christmaspuddings · 04/12/2007 18:08

I really can't believe that despite you explaining the situation the guy said he would drop his wife of at the hospital. Mc is such a personal and heartbreaking experience. Go to your mums a day or two off school is not going to damage his education in anyway, you need some TLC.

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 04/12/2007 18:08

jenjenns so sorry,
I think your DH is being a pig, it is perfectly understandable that you don't want to be swamped with people at the moment.

I think you need to speak to the couple and say that you do not feel up to visitors and that you ill have to re arrange for another time.

If they still think they are doing you a favor by coming then a swift I dont want you here at the moment can't you get that in to your head should work.

Original poster

jenjenns · 04/12/2007 18:19

Oh Isaw the amount of times that has crossed my lips only for me to bite my lip at the last minute! My son is only 31/2 so dont really want to leave him at home. funny isnt it daddy can be away for days with work and it isnt questioned but if mummys away long enough for a change of socks and theres hell on! I understand my dh is grieving too and needs his best mate here to do the bloke chat thing, I just dont want his wife and teenage kids tagging along as its me who'll be responsible for them and I've only met them a couple of times so wont feel comfortable doing the whole slobbing about in pjs rouine which I really want to do at the mo.

OP posts:

PoinsettiaBouquets · 04/12/2007 18:41

Phone a friend! Pref a single one who will give you a girly stayover on the Friday. If everyone else wants to be helpful, they can babysit your DS with your DH for the weekend - matey's wife will probably enjoy having a little one to play with.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 04/12/2007 18:41

Tell your hubby straight. You poor thing. M/C is so sad.

catsmother · 04/12/2007 21:28

Jen, I'm really sorry for what you've been through this year. You will not only be suffering the physical discomforts of a miscarriage but you will also be grieving .... for the 3rd time in one year which is a hell of a lot to bear and you need to do whatever you need to do. If that means being "anti-social" then so be it.

When I had a (singular) miscarriage I actively grieved for months (as in not wanting to go out, see people etc). I still carry a lot of internal grief now more than 5 years on if something reminds me of it, though am okay day to day. As with grieving for anybody - old, young, or never to be born - each individual is different and there is no "right" timeframe for you to be "back to normal". It takes as long as it takes and the attitude of your friends is appallingly selfish and insensitive - really quite cruel in fact IMO.

As for your DH then yes, he is grieving (or should be) too and yes, his way of coping may be different to yours, but that shouldn't mean he then makes you feel bad for not falling in line with his way of thinking. Apart from anything, you will also be suffering from the effects a big surge of hormones can have on your emotions, as well as on your body. Men don't have that to get through as well, nor the unpleasant and upsetting physicality of a miscarriage either ...... however upset they are, women do have more to recover from, in all senses, when you lose a baby.

I would definitely go to your mum's if he insists these friends are still coming round though I am fuming at the thought of you having to escape out of your own home in order to get some peace and quiet, and some TLC. It must feel very hurtful that he isn't suggesting this, not only cancelling the weekend, but looking after you, running baths, cooking for you, looking after your son or whatever you need.

When you feel up to it you need to tell him (if you haven't already) in no uncertain terms how hurtful he's being. What's more important here ? - the football or his wife ?

evenhope · 04/12/2007 21:46

Will the hospital admit you on Friday for the D&C?

When I had my 2nd ERPC I had a reaction to the anaesthetic so when they came round to see if I was OK to go home I was still feeling a bit dizzy and they kept me in overnight.

If they admit you Friday you could always be not well enough to be discharged or have visitors, do you think?

IsawKIMIkissingSantaClaus · 07/12/2007 07:55

thinking of you today.

helenhismadwife · 08/12/2007 19:51

so sorry for your loss Jen, its so rough I have been there once and it took me a long time to get over it both physically and emotionally.

I wanted and needed to be with people closest to me who I could talk to about what had happened, cry with, whatever you cant do that with these people so your dh is being an arse.

I hope you are ok take care of yourself sod everyone else

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