To be pissed off / upset about this?

notsurewhyimsad · 2021-09-13T16:34:43+00:00

I'm on mat leave currently. My team had a social get together recently which I became aware of by seeing the pictures on social media. I wasn't invited. At first I assumed this was because I'm on mat leave. However someone else who is also currently on mat leave was there - and as well as being on mat leave, this person doesn't even technically work for our team anymore as she moved to a different department before she even got pregnant. Yet they saw fit to invite her. [confused] AIBU to feel a bit miffed and pushed out that I wasn't even asked to go?

WomanStanleyWoman · 13/09/2021 17:41

How friendly are you with your team in general? Have any of them been in touch while you’ve been on maternity leave?

Also, were all your other teammates there, or was it just a few people from the same team? I’m just wondering whether this was a defined team event, or a few colleagues out for drinks. If it was definitely ‘Accounts Team Social’ or similar then yes, they should really have thought to invite you.

Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 17:47

@WomanStanleyWoman

How friendly are you with your team in general? Have any of them been in touch while you’ve been on maternity leave?

Also, were all your other teammates there, or was it just a few people from the same team? I’m just wondering whether this was a defined team event, or a few colleagues out for drinks. If it was definitely ‘Accounts Team Social’ or similar then yes, they should really have thought to invite you.

It was just a few of them, some were missing. They will have all been invited though I'm sure. I'm friendly with them all, I haven't been in the team a very long time (only a few months before I got pregnant), but I still was friendly enough to be invited I'd say. I just feel a bit forgotten about, esp when someone else on mat leave got an invite. Maybe I'm just being over sensitive.

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girlmom21 · 13/09/2021 17:49

You're being over sensitive. It wasn't your whole team and it included people from other teams. It's highly likely they went out as a group of friends rather than a works night out as colleagues.

I'm on maternity leave and wouldn't expect to be invited to any social event.

Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 17:51

@girlmom21

You're being over sensitive. It wasn't your whole team and it included people from other teams. It's highly likely they went out as a group of friends rather than a works night out as colleagues.

I'm on maternity leave and wouldn't expect to be invited to any social event.

Except they did invite someone else on mat leave 🤷‍♀️

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TwinsandTrifle · 13/09/2021 17:51

If it's only a few from your department, and (at least) one from another department, then this sounds like a bunch of mates who happen to share a workplace. Because the people attending do not make up your department.

How many were missing from your dept?

Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 17:53

@TwinsandTrifle

If it's only a few from your department, and (at least) one from another department, then this sounds like a bunch of mates who happen to share a workplace. Because the people attending do not make up your department.

How many were missing from your dept?

I've been made aware by someone who went that an email was sent to all the team inviting them, so it did include the whole team, it was just that they couldn't all make it so some were missing. If a person in the department can make the effort to separately message and invite a former team member on mat leave, why not me too?

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girlmom21 · 13/09/2021 17:57

@notsurewhyimsad but presumably they're friends outside of work - that's my point. If they're contacting someone who's on mat leave they're not going to have just sent an email are they, so they've had additional communication.

iklboo · 13/09/2021 17:58

I was accidentally deleted from our team email list. And I was still working there. It only came up when someone asked me a question related to the email & I had no idea what they were talking about.

Blackkbird · 13/09/2021 18:02

Did you form much of a relationship/friendship with them before you went on leave, if you were only in the team a few months?

They may well be closer to the other person on mat leave and already have an established relationship with her.

TwinsandTrifle · 13/09/2021 18:02

When asked intially if your whole team was present, you replied there were a few missing, then gave a speculation: They will have all been invited though I'm sure.

But then you say:

an email was sent to all the team inviting them, so it did include the whole team

So you know they were all invited. Seems strange to initially say you assumed that, if you knew they had been?

Anyway, yes it's wrong to invite a whole department excluding just you.

Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 18:06

@TwinsandTrifle

When asked intially if your whole team was present, you replied there were a few missing, then gave a speculation: They will have all been invited though I'm sure.

But then you say:

an email was sent to all the team inviting them, so it did include the whole team

So you know they were all invited. Seems strange to initially say you assumed that, if you knew they had been?

Anyway, yes it's wrong to invite a whole department excluding just you.

In between those 2 messages I was made aware by a colleague that they had in fact all been invited. Hence my initial speculation, followed by my update that I'd been made aware it was the case

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Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 18:07

@Blackkbird

Did you form much of a relationship/friendship with them before you went on leave, if you were only in the team a few months?

They may well be closer to the other person on mat leave and already have an established relationship with her.

Not a very close friendship, no, because it was only a matter of months. But close enough to have been invited to other social gatherings... so it just confused me why not this one.

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WomanStanleyWoman · 13/09/2021 18:08

It was just a few of them, some were missing. They will have all been invited though I'm sure.

The thing is, you don’t actually know that. Of course you could be right - but equally the fact that only a few of them were there could suggest it’s a casual night out amongst a few colleagues, or for something other than your team specifically.

A woman I worked with got very annoyed a few years ago that her and one other had been ‘excluded’ from a night out - but it was for a committee several of us worked on. They weren’t invited because they weren’t on the committee.

WomanStanleyWoman · 13/09/2021 18:09

Sorry, that post was delayed and I hadn’t seen your updates.

ThinWomansBrain · 13/09/2021 18:12

I wouldn't waste time thinking about it - probably wasn't intentional - maybe the other person is in frequent contact with the team, or just happened to call one of them when the night out was being arranged (or lives close to one of them and was the designated driver)

Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 18:14

I think maybe I'm more sensitive about it as I'm feeling a bit isolated and lonely on mat leave. I'd have loved the opportunity to connect socially with colleagues for a few hours and do something other than just being mum.

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TwinsandTrifle · 13/09/2021 18:29

In between those 2 messages I was made aware by a colleague that they had in fact all been invited. Hence my initial speculation, followed by my update that I'd been made aware it was the case

Then that's one of two things. If it was organised as a work thing, (ie DH had to attend a curry night not so long ago by the big boss, all the firm were invited) then there is no excuse for not inviting you.

If it was one member of staff arranging their own independent night out, then they can ask who they like, but it's really bad form to ask everyone except one person. That's like DS inviting his whole class to his party, just not Jane.

What did cross my mind, how old is your DC? As in are you three weeks post birth so they'd think it inappropriate to ask. And the other woman is 9 months post birth.

Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 18:32

@TwinsandTrifle

I am 5 months pp, the other woman is around 6 months pp

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TwinsandTrifle · 13/09/2021 18:36

And it wasn't a social work function, but a social function arranged independently by a member of your team?

Original poster

notsurewhyimsad · 13/09/2021 18:39

@TwinsandTrifle

And it wasn't a social work function, but a social function arranged independently by a member of your team?

Yes a social function arranged independently by a member of the team

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Blackkbird · 13/09/2021 18:46

Do they know that you definitely have childcare if you wanted to go out?

There was a situation a couple years ago where a team we work with had a staff member who bought her baby and toddler along to the pub a couple times. They didn't invite her again.

TwinsandTrifle · 13/09/2021 18:49

If you get on with the person who arranged it, it could have been a genuine oversight, if you do an email to say, 15 people, it's easy to miss one off, or think you clicked their name when you didn't.

Are there any other reasons that the person might have deliberately not invited you? Like they wanted to go to try a specific steak house and you're vegan so they thought it would be uncomfortable?

Looneytune253 · 13/09/2021 18:54

I reckon they've sent the group email inviting the current team to the get together then someone who is friendly with the mat leave girl has invited her along or she's been in the office visiting one day when it's been discussed. I reckon that's all it is. Unless you've fallen out with anyone I reckon it's just been an oversight

TyneTeas · 13/09/2021 18:55

Was she definitely invited, or did she maybe hear about it from the people in the office because she is in touch with them and went along?