How do you connect as a couple

[Goldenfan]

Hi all

We are in the unfortunate position that we do not have family help and support due to family having their own lives basically which is fine of course. We have an autistic child and a toddler. We have had 4 nights childfree in 8 years.

My autistic daughter is 24/7. She is literally by my side 99% of the time she is awake. She can be wandering around (often crying) till nearly midnight and gets up at 6.30am. Then add in my younger daughter who is almost 4 but still wakes at least twice in the night and wakes at 6am. When they are awake the days are filled with lots of screaming, crying and mess. Its not their fault and mostly I wouldn't change them but basically me and dh are on our knees. We literally fall as soon as they are both asleep and I often retreat to be alone as im done in.

We have lost our marriage almost. I think our relationship ended a long time ago and we just became adults living together trying to meet the kids needs and work to gain some financial security.

On the rare occasions we have had a night off (we drop them off just before bedtime and pick up just after they wake up because im worried its too much for anyone to have them longer) we are too exhausted to actually do anything and will often just sit in silence and watch TV. I want to go out but it feels a huge chore when its my one peaceful night off.

I have a hobby and he has one. They are separate as we need childcare from each other.

So everyone, aside from that long moan (sorry) how can we reconnect as a couple. We are discussing divorce because we seem to only communicate to have a go at each other which is so unhealthy for us and the kids. It feels like a constant oneupmanship. I know we love each other deep down but we can't seem to connect again and just go round and round in circles saying we will be kind to one another but then falling back into this pattern. There is no abuse its just grudge.

What do you do to remain happily married? Do you connect in a way that is manageable when you are trying to run a home, work, kids , appointments etc My dh thinks that this is normal in a long term relationship with such stressors that we have but I hear other couples having a laugh and speaking nicely to one another so I know that's not true.

Its incredibly difficult having kids with special needs. Bit like the baby and toddler years never ending.

Does your older child go to special school?

My husband takes half days or full days. We get kids to school then go out and have a nice breakfast together. We try and do it every couple of months. Then we often come home and have a nap. We also schedule sex once a week - it sounds cold but getting into the habit has really helped.

Well that sounds extremely hard OP !

DH and I bicker and he pisses me off (we have 3 small DC, animals, both work full time etc) and we don’t have the Autistic element that you have. It sounds like you exist on the permanent lack of sleep that people have with babies. DH and I used to argue in the middle of the night those years. I can’t imagine still having such little sleep so I really feel for you.

In terms of actually getting along, staying together etc I don’t think there is one specific answer for all. I hear of some peoples relationships where they are still together but if that was me I don’t think i could be.

One thing about DH is that he still makes me laugh, We can be arguing and I still end up laughing at/with him.

Could you do something like once a quarter have a Nanny who stays over ?(something similar) then you would have something specific in the calendar so you know a break is coming ?

When you say the children stay out overnight is that a friend or a grandparent ? Could they stay at separate places on that night so you don’t feel as rushed the next morning ?

Oh OP that sounds incredibly hard on both of you.

Is there any respite / special needs assistance you can access? Do your children go to school?

Exhaustion is a killer and you have both physical and mental exhaustion at play here, it's a very heavy load you're both carrying with you every minute of every day.

I think the suggestion of finding someone like a specialist nanny is excellent. You need to factor in a break for you both.

You need to have an overnight away, even if it's the Premiere Inn in your next town / city. A day & night to yourselves to sleep, eat, shower, TALK, have sex alone, in peace will do wonders for you both.

It's so hard to do this alone and would be even harder to do it solo - look after your marriage if you still love each other.

Can you take it in turns to do something nice for each other once a week - such as your dh gets you a lovely takeaway of your choice and brings it to you to the sofa / bed (wherever) once the dc are asleep? and vice versa - knowing someone has your back and that you are a team is very bolstering.

Tell each other how much you love each other and that this is not how either of you imagined life would be, but that you have each other and will get through it.

Sending you lots of strength

And i meant to say talk, talk, talk - share how you're feeling with each other. Some of these conversations will be difficult but keep talking, allow each other inside your heads and hearts.

Hi op, I hqve 3 dc, 2 with SEN and in a very similar position
We don't get help much but we make sure we have such a strict routine so we do get our own down time ?
My youngest goes to bed at 6.15 then the older 2 settle down then an their usually asleep by 7.
I have a quick clean about and sort the bags/clothes etc for the next day, Juno a shower then we go to bed and watch some tv together then I usually drop off
But if they didn't go to bed at 7 I'd be thrown. I'm nackered as it is but having the tight routine really helps as we get to breath and have a chat and spend time together. X

With difficulty. We have three kids and two are autistic. Both in specialist schools. DH works full time, I work between 20 hours up to ft if work is busy. Yet I pick up the majority of stuff for the kids and in the house. I feel hugely resentful. We’ve talked about it but nothing ever changes. Because it suits him. I don’t really have much advice. You could try and find a decent babysitter maybe from a specialist school who has experience. Marriage is difficult but throw in special needs and it’s very very hard.

Thanks everyone.
Dd goes to mainstream school. Where she is really struggling. She spends the morning with me while I try yo work as we can't find a nanny to meet her needs. Shes actually classes as 'high functioning' whatever that means pffft.

I have put another advertisement in for a nanny so forgers crossed that will give us some time as a couple.

We are both off Thursday to take my car to be fixed so I might try book something while the kids are at school.

I really likevthe suggestion of doing something nice for each other @UniBallEye

Thanks everyone for replying and for the suggestions.

Dh is a good man but God he gets on my very last nerve at times.

Please ignore the grammar and spelling mistakes my phone just does what it likes.

Does he want to put the effort in too? Sounds like you do but it needs two to tango!