AIBU re elderly parent care - toxic relationship

[Happyharry2003]

Hello
I don’t think I am but I can always reply on mumsnet for honest answers! I was emotionally abused as a child and my mother still does although I’ve done a lot of work on boundaries and managed a ‘grey rock’ relationship until my father became seriously ill 5 years ago. I dropped everything to help him and spent 3 months in icu as his next of kin. My mum just refused to help him and became angry that I stepped in although without me he would’ve had no one as other family memebers had jobs and families (I also have a job and a family with a child with Sen but still dropped everything). Amazingly my father survived but since it’s almost as if my mother is annoyed about this and I feel she almost blames me for the support I gave him. If I hadn’t, she would have just left him in the hospital.

Anyway, 5 years on and after a major breakdown and ptsd from the whole event and some of the things I witnessed, they have made no life style changes and just left me and my family to it.

Recently we’ve had a difficult patch and my mother was annoyed that I felt it might have been nice if she’d asked how we were considering everything I’ve done for them when they needed it. She said I was being overly sensitive and that I had to stop wallowing about the past. Anyway to cut a long story short - they both have major health problems and have made no attempts to get themselves prepared for if anything happens. From the conversation yesterday, I would be expected to do everything all over again if something happened. I said I couldn’t as j have a full time job and a family that need me. The reponse was well that’s ok because someone else can just help. There isn’t someone else as we’ve already experienced when it happened before.

If I get a phone call saying someone has happened to them in the future - I honestly don’t think I could leave them to it. But after the previous time, I know there will be no appreciation (just resentment) and I will be the one who suffers.

Ahh I’m trying not to come across as selfish but the last time and the aftermath made me suicidal. They just laughted when I said that and said I shouldn’t have interfered and I’ve always been dramatic!

Just leave them to it. Of course no one else will step in if they know you will eventually. Don't be a martyr

There is an elderly parents board on here where you can get plenty of balanced good practical advice and the posters “ get” it whether the relationship with their oldies has been loving or toxic throughout their lives. The challenges are the same and it is a difficult period for lots of people in their lives . In Aibu you tend to get replies from people who say what they would do but have not experienced the reality or only seen their parents care for grandparents . They will quote often that their parents usually counsel against what they have done and to put themselves first when it comes to their “ turn” . However in the majority of cases the parents suddenly do have the expectation when turn comes . People are living much longer and the reality is the elderly problems are much more complex than putting yourself out to do a bit of shopping or cleaning like previous generations . My mother’s GP said the reality is most people “fall off the cliff “after 80 and post 85 most are gone in the current generation who grew up with healthy lifestyles due to the war. One in 4 get dementia and it is a long drawn out process over a decade for the carers to cope with. That said you can’t predict the future - I took the view I could get run over myself by a bus tomorrow . If you can’t have a proper convo about care with them now then accept it is extremely unlikely in the future .
People talk about “ going to Switzerland” and “ I’ll just keep going on cruises” , “ slip something in my tea” - all things I have heard recently from people talking about their own elder care - all as likely scenarios as winning the lottery . I really feel for you it’s ok to have boundaries in this scenario. - it is not like caring for children :

I know it's hard but you have to respect (well, learn to accept) their decision to live their lives this way. What is more interesting is why you feel obliged to drop things to assist them when it all goes tits up, given how poorly they treat you. Its not good for you to be do enmeshed with them. Have you had counselling about your relationship? Perhaps you should consider it?

Op, look at it this way, you've done your stint to help.

Why be expected to do more, do what is right for you and your family. You have supported someone through icu, give yourself a break, the stress of that once is enough for anyone.. I would gently tell them this

OP as someone who is from a dysfunctional family I’d say drop them like a hot cake and feel no guilt.
I’ve not read anyone else’s responses on here yet so I’m saying this even if it’s an unpopular view

Thanks all - sorry got stuck at work and haven’t had time to read the replies! Thank you for the advice and I will look at the elderly parents board. I’ve had councelling before but this was pre icu and since then I’ve lost my way a bit. Thank you x