To think it’s fine to walk away sometimes?

[PoolNooodle]

Am I wrong for thinking that if you are in a relationship with someone and they have a child from a previous relationship that it’s ok that once the relationship has ended not wanting to remain in contact with the child? I feel awful for saying it and it seems like an unpopular opinion but does anyone else think it’s not wrong to not want to continue to be part of the child’s life a raise them for the next x amount of years until that child is 18? I know I couldn’t do it and I wouldn’t want to have to remain in contact with an ex when the relationship could have ended quite badly, I’m a single parent and I’m not in a new relationship but if I was to be I know I wouldn’t want my kids to be overly involved with a new partner and call them dad for this reason. Also I had a step dad growing up and when him and my mum ended (very bad break up) he didn’t stay in contact with us and I don’t feel bad about it. Aibu?

YANBU, at the end of the day, it's not your child and not your responsibility. There was a thread recently where a man expected his ex-partners to continue to have his children stay with her every week. Ridiculous.

If you are with someone until the child is an adult then it would be nice for that relationship to remain on it’s own terms, but not while the child needs ‘parenting’.

I agree, I wouldn’t want to stay in contact personally.

To me it completely depends on contextual factors such as how long you've been in the child's life and how much parenting you did. Never again seeing a stepchild after 14 years is totally different to never seeing a 14 year old you've known for a couple of years.

I can understand it would be harder the older the child is however in this case it was a 6 year old (man had been involved for 5 years) but I think it’s the risk you take when you bring other men into your children’s lives and allow children to call them dad etc, my step dad left when I was 13 after being in my life since I was 7 and I wouldn’t have expected my mum to stay in contact with him when she didn’t want to purely for me to see him, of course it would be different if the relationship ended on good terms but this person has blocked their ex on everything.

Yes how the split came about it also really key. I do agree with you I wouldn't want to stay in touch with someone I thought we needed to get away from and block!

It’s really not the norm for children to call someone who is not their dad, dad!
There’s a middle ground of involvement.

I can quite see why a biological parent would want to move on from a relationship that had ended.

But… abuse aside, I’m talking just growing apart here - I think if a biological parent and subsequent partner both choose to integrate a that new partner so much into a life that a child calls them dad, then yes - if the child wants it, both should be prepared to support the ongoing relationship.

Chances are it’ll fizzle out.

But you shouldn’t bring someone closely into your child’s life - or choose to be brought into it - if you’re not prepared to still consider the child’s need after a split.

I think that’s the thing as well, I’ve actually known quite a few people to allow their children to call a new partner dad very early on in a relationship, it’s always “the child just said it and they didn’t correct them” but I think no it’s unlikely to go on till child is 18 and by the time the ex has met a new partner or has other kids then they are going to stop bothering with the child so isn’t it better to not prolong that then suddenly drop them later down the line?

Many years ago (1940s) my mother jilted her fiance and married another man. It caused a family split in which my grandparents cast out my mother for many years. They had grown very fold of the fiance (Jim) and he remained in contact with my grandmother for many years until his early death. He never married or had children.

One day I turned up by accident at my nans house and was introduced to "uncle Jim" whom I assumed to be a relative. I met him several times over the years and he always seemed interested in me. We built up a real relationship. One day my grandmother told me sadly that uncle Jim had died. She then told me the story of the family scandal. She described him as "the man who should have been your father in the right of things". I accompanied her to his funeral although we sat at the back of the church and did not attend the wake. She introduced me simply as "my granddaughter" and did not go into detail.

Later on, I learned that uncle Jim had left money in his will to my grandmother to be used, at her discretion, to help me and my sister in any way she thought appropriate. The money made it possible for me to train in my profession and to leave my parents home and set up my own home.

Uncle Jim was not a blood relation but he obviously thought of me as a daughter and I will always be grateful for his help and inspiration.

I think it depends on circumstances.

I would have been devastated if my dad and stepmum had split up and she didn’t want to see me anymore. We were (and still are) very close. She married my dad and lived with us. I see her as family.

My mum had a boyfriend when I was growing up who never lived with us. I didn’t consider him a father figure and didn’t see him after they broke up. Honestly didn’t bother me because he never took on a ‘stepdad’ role.

I think unless you’re in it for the long term, don’t move in together or get married. Children don’t get a say in it and it’s cruel to act like you’re part of their family only to ditch them if the relationship doesn’t work out.

It’s a difficult issue and one that would make me reluctant to get involved with a man with young children. I’d worry we’d get too attached to each other. I think it really has the potential to mess adults and kids up. I’ve read accounts on here of women who practically raised children from an early age only to have their relationship end badly and the biological parent to cut all contact between child and step parent. I think if the child sees the partner as a parent it’s cruel to cut contact between them.

Obviously if someone comes into you life for a few years especially with older children they’re not likely going to see that person as more than just your partner