Can I “change” my way out of this…?!

[Stompybobs]

I’ve been feeling pretty shit for a while now, although not exactly sure how long for.

My husband seems to think I have depression.
I haven’t been to the Drs as I don’t agree with husband and I feel like my issue is my life and perhaps I can change my way out of how I feel….

My life is just such a mess.

Husband and I have been together for 8 years.
We’ve never been good with our money and have never saved.
We did save for wedding which was the first and only time.

We don’t own our house and we don’t have savings in the bank.

We had our first baby at the start of last year.

My husband ended up losing his job because of Covid, I was on mat leave, and we got into a lot of debt with things like store cards & credit cards which we couldn’t afford to pay (we paid priority bills like rent, gas, electric etc)

I ended up with 4 defaults and my husband got 3.
We’ve spoken to step change and have come up with repayment plans.

I feel so down at the thought of never owing my own home because of my credit rating.
I feel so unsettled in our rented house.
We’ve been here for 6 years but it just doesn’t feel like “home”.

I don’t feel like i can do much with the place because I will never own it.

It’s a nice 3 bedroom detached house, but there’s so much I’d love to do in it and can’t.

There’s also the issue of my job, I’ve worked there for 9 years and have barely progressed in that time.
I’ve only ever had one pay rise of £1000 although I was given a company car.

I was going to leave at the end of my maternity leave but decided to go back part time.

I feel so undervalued, I dread going in.
I don’t have any interest anymore in the work that I’m doing and I find it boring,
I feel like I have to stay because otherwise I will lose my car.

My husband has a work vehicle which I am not insured to drive and it wouldn’t be practical to share one car even if I was insured on his.

I can’t get a car on finance because of my credit and I don’t have any savings to buy one….
Im trapped in a job that makes me miserable.

I feel so shitty all of the time and in the last 14
months I’ve gained 3 and a half stone.

I’m tipping the scales at 14 stone and I feel utterly disgusting.

I wake up most days and I honestly think, “what’s the point”.

My daughter is of course my biggest point and I keep going for her, but I feel so down and fed up most days.

My marriage isn’t exactly going well, I’m starting to feel like I just can’t stand being around my husband, but I don’t exactly know why.

I feel angry and snappy all of the time.
I only get joy from being around my daughter or when I’m eating.

I’m writing this in floods of tears because the feeling of hoplessness is just so overwhelming.

I’m only 34 and I just can’t imagine being this miserable for the rest of my life.
It’s so hard and difficult.

I’m so envious of my friends that own their homes, have great figures, happy marriages…

I truly think that if I changed some aspects of my life (above) that I would feel so much better, I just don’t really know how.

Can I actually change my way out of this?

I don’t want to go to the Drs because I know the reasons why I feel down.
The Dr can’t fix those for me. 😫

Ps if you made it to the end…. THANK YOU

Sometimes you can be depressed for no apparent reason and needs meds more medical depressing. Other times you are rightly depressed for practically issues and most people would be struggling in your shoes this is more reactive depression. It is worth going to GP meds may be option to kick start you into feeling slightly better enough to start working on practically things you can do make life better. Sadly though you are unlikely to feel better all of a sudden all on your own.

Both types are equally valued in terms of needing support. Anything’s better than feeling over whelmed and crying and feel like no sunny days in sight

First of all. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. I don’t know how much I can help in that regard but I didn’t want to read and run.

I agree with you re anti depressants. I know they help a lot of people but for me - having been prescribed them 3 times throughout my life - I’ve never got on with them and have always got better results from trying to fix the issues that I know were causing my depression rather than masking the problem with medication.

FWIW the first time was when my baby was around a year old and it turned out I had an under active thyroid which had caused my chronic pain, anxiety, exhaustion and depression. So one thing I would definitely suggest is to go to your GP and ask for some blood tests to rule out any physical causes for your low mood and weight gain. You should also get your iron and vitamin levels checked.

Assuming all is ok, they probably WILL offer you ADs - they seem to do this at the drop of a hat tbh - but you don’t have to take them. It may help to get you over the hump of it and enable you to start tackling the other issues, or it may have side effects which just add to your burden, so that’s entirely your call.

Re the money situation, you’ve got the right advice and you’re already tackling that. Is your husband taking it seriously now and helping to bring down your debts and spend sensibly? Is there a way he (or indeed you) can earn some extra money to get that done faster? Even if only temporarily.

I’m sorry I typed and lost a long response based on some of my experiences that are similar to yours. The short version is all of those problems are fixable, they just seem fucking massive when you look at the whole picture. So don’t do it. Chip away where you can, get health and money advice and if you have to stay in an unfulfilling job for a bit whilst you look/train for something better, then just think of it as a means to solve your money problems, or give you space to work on your relationship.

Break it down, chip away at it.

Well yes. 2.5 years ago I was 3 stone heavier, had a permanent headache, hated my job and my relationship with husband was beyond rock bottom.

Today, fit, healthy, not been ill for ages, very good relationship, doing a job that’s fun plus about to start uni.

So it’s possible.
I didn’t change everything all at once. But in the order it happened to go for me:
Cried. Finally accepted how unhappy I was. Changed job to part time. Headaches went away. Went to counselling and learnt boundaries. Set boundaries with DH. He went to counselling. Relationship improves. Lost weight.

Oh you poor thing :(
I can relate, I remember feeling such despair and hopelessness at around this time of my life, skint, stuck, young kids, miserable. I did end up on the happy pills, they gave me a rest from myself. I slept better, achieved more and lost weight. Once I was on a more even keel I was able to focus on the good and work on the not so good.
I got there in the end, these are the tough years, take care, accept help xxxx

Don't worry I'm about to split with husband, early 30s was going to buy a house but he gambled away 30k after we had tried to save for years and it was gifted to us, so that dream is over for me and my children, can't wait to be renting forever. Maybe you could try tablets see how they go. Try walking or exercising and drinking water it will hopefully make you feel better, debt is awful, just thought I'd say you're not alone in your housing situation

Start with a plan, OP.
I normally start with a weekly menu and shopping list (saves me thinking time for what to cook, quite a lot of money, and enables me to stick to a diet.
Once you have that habit in the bag, add other things: simply going for a regular walk in the fresh air can help with low mood, and it’s something you can all do together, too.
Then make plans for tidying up/reorganising each room to make your life calmer (also decorating, but I don’t know if that’s allowed in a rental).
Concentrate on paying your debts off, using the savings you make in planning the weekly shop.
Once you’ve organised and achieved this part of your plan, put a house deposit savings plan in place and set yourself realistic goals to achieve for each year.
Little steps is the key, especially if you don’t want to go down the AD route (but if you do, you might find that these help to focus you better, so the changes you make could be quicker this way).
You’re not failing, OP, most of us will have times our lives when it seems nothing goes to plan - it normally passes. Sending you 💐and 🍀🍀🍀