Life coaching - is it worth it?

[Verity37]

I feel lost in life to be honest I’ve felt like that for many years. I’ve had therapy in past but the therapist just listened and any attempt I made at getting any advice or clarity was met with that they can’t give any and can only just listen. I’ve been considering life coaching but I’m worried it might be a waste of money. Has anyone tried it? Good or bad please let me know your experience.

I did it years ago, and yes it really helped learn more about myself, about my values and motivations, what drives me. I would say give it a go.

@CrystalMaisie where did you find the life coach?

I’ve been reading past mumsnet threads on life coaches and people are mostly saying it’s a scam!

Go to associationforcoaching.com and you can request a personal coach. It's UK-based (not sure where you are) but most coaches on here will follow the appropriate CPD training and development. Some people turn to coaching just to make money as it can be lucrative, but try to find one that has good testimonials linked to what you are looking for.

Coaching is about setting and reaching goals so you would need to be fully on board with putting in the work. Best of luck.

Thank you @SummerWhisper I’m from UK, I live near Essex

I wonder if an occupational psychologist might be useful. Sometimes they have access to a battery of questionnaires that might throw up some useful patterns or reinterpret behaviour and preferences.

Otherwise change your therapist. Maybe you have sufficient insight but need someone who is willing to conceptualise what you are feeling or experiencing into the multitude of psychological frameworks that all psychologists are familiar with, ie, telling you what books they read.

I personally prefer therapy or counselling where the therapist is prepared to be an educator also.

Thank you @Redyellowblue34

Does anyone else have any experience they would share?

I did a coaching course through work and really enjoyed coaching and being coached. It was a basic course, so I'm far from being an expert, but I'll give you my views.

Coaching is pretty much a facilitated conversation where a coach will help structure your thinking and help you come up with some actions, but you will still have to put in the work yourself to make the actions become reality.

What is it exactly that you hope to gain from coaching?

The reason I'm asking is because sometimes it's not coaching you need, it's something else eg a doctor, careers adviser, counsellor.

For example, you say you are feeling lost. If it's because you are stuck in a dead end job with no prospects, a coach may be able to help you with some actions to get to where you want to get to. If it's because you don't know what you want to do, careers wise, maybe you need a careers adviser to help you determine what it is you want to do. If you are feeling lost due to past trauma, you may need a counsellor. If you are depressed, you need to seek medical help.

@purpledagger I think it’s relationship coaching I need. I don’t know how to interact with people. I know it’s because of my early childhood experiences where I was raised by a neglectful mother who told me she didn’t want me and I’ve had therapy for many years but no difference. I just feel I need to get practical coaching because I seem to attract negative and toxic people. The “normal” ones don’t want to be associated with me so I tend to attract abusive people.

I’ve know 2 life coaches. Both of them had all the certificates and had done all of the courses. One of them is a nice enough guy but with no confidence, no prospects in his current job and no idea where he was going. When he told me he was a qualified life coach I thought he was joking. The other guy was a sleazy salesman type who could charm anyone, oozed confidence but deep down was a nasty person and a serial benefits cheat. Neither of them seemed to me like they should be giving be giving people advice. I’m sure there are some good ones out there. Just be clear on what you are looking to achieve and try not to get scammed..

This is a very interesting question so I'm following closely.
2 years ago I went in to my therapist (family dynamic problems, my mother wants me to respect her right to be hurtful) and I said my goals were to be braver, take a few risks, be more confident, feel things less (when my family hurt me I feel it so heavily) and control my emotions better (I have got frustrated and shouted at them because they stonewall me) and I don't feel that those specific goals have been addressed. I have talked to her and she has validated my feelings for sure, which has kept me sane. She has focused a lot on self compassion and self-acceptance for who I am right now even though I have things I want to work on.
It's helped me stay grounded I guess but it's been slow progress.

I am a bit more resilient now actually. But I'm still not as confident and not as brave as I want to be and I'm still feeling hurt by my parents' absolute inability to acknowledge that they have hurt me.

I also wonder what I would get out of a life coach. It's an interesting question.

I had a life coach that work bought in for us. It was completely private and nothing was reported back to work. All it did was confirm how much I hated my job and gave me the kick to start looking for something else. So great for me but not so much for work lol!

I've looked into it recently and the woman I spoke to want over £2k for 6 x 1 hr sessions. Got me considering if I should retrain as a life coach 😂

I have known three life coaches. One I got free sessions I won in a competition. She was not very good, but nice enough.. One is a woman I met at an event who took pity on me when I told her about my life situation and offered me a free session. She was brilliant. Managed to sort through the blurge of confusion I laid in front of her and offered practical suggestions. Another is a woman I know who offers life coaching but she is into all that law of attraction stuff and from my experience of attending training she provided I wouldn't rate her.

So basically what you get out of it will depend on the quality of the life coach. A bit like counselling. Your counsellor sounds rubbish. Counselling is not just about listening - that's what the Samaritans do and they are free! . It is about offering structured ways forward, based on changing how you think to change your behaviour. My personal recommendation is to ditch any counsellor within two sessions if they are not able to order your thoughts and start putting together something for you to work on.

[quote Verity37]@purpledagger I think it’s relationship coaching I need. I don’t know how to interact with people. I know it’s because of my early childhood experiences where I was raised by a neglectful mother who told me she didn’t want me and I’ve had therapy for many years but no difference. I just feel I need to get practical coaching because I seem to attract negative and toxic people. The “normal” ones don’t want to be associated with me so I tend to attract abusive people.[/quote]
What kind of therapy and what kind of therapist? You sound like you're just describing counselling, which is just someone trained to listen. That isn't a recommended therapy for complex trauma, because as you found it doesn't help.

There are kinds of therapy that are successful in addressing relationship patterns and the legacy of childhood abuse/neglect. That can help you break patterns and who will happily reflect back to you and share their thoughts and experiences even and ideas.

A clinical psychologist with trauma expertise would be a better fit for you - your difficulties and your goals. I would be very concerned given your specific circumstances that a "life coach" would do far more harm than good.

Yes, like ip, i think, soft boundaries, being conflict averse, not resilient enough, not believing in my stamina to see things through to completion, fear of the competition, taking the safest path, fear of risk all of this is down to my childhood and has held me profesionally

Since i started therapy though i have mustered up the resilience to keep going for the grade above me at work.

I have been rejected twice so far yey i tried again as soon as i had another opportunity. Pre therapy me would have given up really upset.

Im still interested in the idea of lifevcoaching though but id have really clear gosls to set the coach. I wouldnt give 2k for a few quizzes

[quote Verity37]@purpledagger I think it’s relationship coaching I need. I don’t know how to interact with people. I know it’s because of my early childhood experiences where I was raised by a neglectful mother who told me she didn’t want me and I’ve had therapy for many years but no difference. I just feel I need to get practical coaching because I seem to attract negative and toxic people. The “normal” ones don’t want to be associated with me so I tend to attract abusive people.[/quote]
I don't think coaching will help with this. Coaching is about helping someone unlock their potential via powerful questions and conversations initiated by the coach. This is done via goal setting.
It sounds like you need to gain confidence and leave some trauma behind. You need better therapy IMHO.

If you can afford it you've nothing to lose.
I felt similar I've been using YouTube mainly Tony Robbins it has helped me a lot.
I'm only starting my journey but it is so far positive.

Found a good life coach for one of my DSC who was at the quarter life crisis stage. The coach had an incredibly inspiring life story and had overcome so much themselves, that was a huge recommendation. Not much apparent progress for several months, but then DSC suddenly made leaps into adulthood that were, kind of, wow!

In terms of resilience, learning not to take things personally is a big move forward. This is a brilliant TED talk on the subject:

youtu.be/LnJwH_PZXnM

I just feel I need to get practical coaching because I seem to attract negative and toxic people.

Do you have any clues about what you might be doing or saying to get this? Anywhere to start?

Look at Level 10 Lower by Hal Elrod?? There is lots on YouTube fir free.
It helps you look at your life as a whole and decide which areas to focus on to bring you overall happiness.
Or get a goal planner - I got a legend planner from Amazon - it helps you identify your goals and horn helps you break them down into manageable steps.
Try these ideas first to help you identify which steps you want help with , and then target your money on specific expertise to help you achieve.

Id start with a few books on life coaching. Much cheaper than sessions with a real person. Or what about CBT. That can help with negative thoughts. Also books available on that if you need to know more about if it would be suitable for you.,

@SpaceshiptoMars I just feel people don’t like me much. I’m a people pleaser and try to get everyone to like me (which I’ve been told is typical behaviour of adults who were unloved as children). I try so hard to make friends but people don’t like me. I have people in my life but I get really tongue tied and things get awkward so oriole stop inviting me to things. When I try to intiate get together they don’t go anywhere. I have a husband whose always in work possibly as he doesn’t like being at home with me - he tells me I always moan about things (I have anxiety so I tell him things about my day). I just really need someone to tell me the truth of how I may be coming across and what is putting people off. What I’ve written might not even be joe people view he it’s just how I think they do

@Verity37

Well, you've got a husband, so - good start! (As long as he's kind)

Kick me if you want, but have you tried keeping a gratitude journal? Put 5 things a day in. Small stuff is OK - the sun is out, there's a new bird in the bird feeder, you've found such a pretty pair of sandals in the charity shop, your back is pain free today etc etc. Change your focus to the happier stuff, and other people will respond to that.

Also, as a people pleaser further down the route of recovery, focus less on how you're ''COMING ACROSS'' as that is a classic people pleasing concern and focus more on is this suiting me? am I pleasing myself? Does this feather my nest, further my agenda? Is this in keeping with my values?

You say that you want to know how you're coming across and as a people pleaser I really get that but actually, it's not the question to ask. It's the question to drown out.

@Verity37 Long term MN here but have name changed for obvious reasons.

I am a life coach!

I belong to the Association for Coaching. I've been coaching for near 20 years.

Yes, it does work but only if the client is ready to move forwards and give their time to the process.

I work with clients on careers, relationships, confidence, health and work-life balance.

I've helped clients who, through our work together, have left abusive marriages, helped them manage their divorce process, make major choices over careers, helped them build confidence at work, create better social lives, meet people etc.

This isn't a sales pitch! I'm not taking on new clients now.

But if you go for it, make sure someone has qualifications and belongs to a professional association. Sadly, there are some coaches out there who use their own life stories (overcoming stuff) as a 'qualification' for being a coach. All I'd say is 'It's not about them, it's about you.'