To be upset that a year after childbirth I still haven't had sex?

[mutedrainbows]

First child, suspected 3rd degree tear. They brought me into surgery and gave me spinal anaesthetic only to realise that it was only a second degree tear so stitched me up and that was that. I healed up quickly and easily although one of my stitches took nearly 4 months to dissolve.

Now it's a year later and I still haven't had sex with my husband. I've seen a gp 3x because things haven't felt right but they keep saying everything looks normal. It's like my husband can get halfway in but then it's blocked, it honestly feels worse than when I had sex for the first time. Is this normal? What can I do? It's really affecting my mental health now because our sexual relationship is just awful, I'm too scared to keep trying because it hurts so much.

This may have been better suited for the sex forum but I just need help 😢 can I insist on being seen by a gynae?

Of course you must insist on a gynae referral. GPS are generally shit at women’s issues so push hard for a referral.

Sounds very strange. But yes ask for a referral of course

Yes you really have to insist on a gynae referral. Agree with a PP that GPs are often not great on gynaecological issues - I have firsthand experience of that fact. So I really would push for a referral.

I have not tried, but could a pelvic floor physio help?

A pelvic floor physiotherapist could also help. After I had my first DD, sex was extremely painful for me too. The pelvic floor physio was able to help me with some exercises to desensitize an area of scar tissue on my perineum that was feeling very painful, and help with internal pain as well.

Have you tried much self exploration? I have had issues - my stitches were too tight and I have/had obstructive scar tissue. My consultant has made it very clear that self-love is really important physio in these situations. Also, are you still breastfeeding? Breastfeeding basically dries up the vagina... it has the same effect on dryness as the menopause.

Please please seek a referral. You’ll feel so much better once things are being addressed. The longer it takes the harder it is. I’m ten months pp and have only managed sex 3 times but we are exploring and taking it slowly. I feel much better now I have a plan and know what the problem is x

Sorry to hear this. I had the same 'blocked' feeling. Have you looked into vaginismus? For me it was almost like a mental block after a traumatic birth. I got checked over up there by a specialist GP and she assured me everything was as it should be. After maybe six months things felt back to normal. Really hope you get sorted soon xx

Thanks everyone. I'm going to ring first thing on Monday and ask for the referral. I wonder if they'll say I need to be seen by a gp again first.

@Namenic @UpToMyElbowsInDiapers did you access that through the NHS or did you find a private clinic? That definitely sounds like it would be helpful!

@rainyskylight I am still breastfeeding, I did hear that this could cause issues but it's not dryness that's the issue, it honestly feels like if we continued it would just rip something 😩

@squirrelnutkins1 interesting, I'll have a look into this as well, thank you!

@mutedrainbows I had this problem! Not for so long but probably 9 months. I was breastfeeding too and had read that could cause the issue. Baby is 16 months now and things are fine. Def ask for a referral.

I was able to get a referral to see someone (NHS) as sex was still very painful for a significant time after the birth and stitches had healed (I had 2nd degree tears). Whilst it was confirmed during the examination that everything was normal and I had healed well so no obvious cause of the pain could be identified, I was given a dilator made up of several sizes which increase gradually which I had to insert and over time sex became less painful until back to normal.

Just also wanted to add that I tore again with my second baby (2nd degree again) but found sex painless that time around following recovery of stitches (just as a positive experience that if you do decide to have more children you won't necessarily have the same experience with recovery as it was something I worried about).

Could you go private? An initial consultation is around £200-250. Follow up aprox £150-200.

Is it your scar tissue hurting or something else? I had to go back through the maternity unit at hospital to get a post partum physio but she was absolutely amazing. I also found some of the expert midwife stuff useful for exploring down there on my own PP, there's an oil which is supposed to be for helping to stretch pre birth (didn't work) but was useful for numbing the area slightly to allow me to try and work out what was sore etc.

My GP misdiagnosed infected stitches on 2 separate appointments because they didn't want to actually look down there as if it was too much to ask for a check up. I don't mean to bash them, but if you are still struggling then push to see an expert.

I would also wonder about vaginismus - it's often caused by trauma of some sort; the muscles tighten, making penetration painful. Relaxation techniques can help, and pelvic floor exercises for the opposite reason to usual - you're needing to learn to relax the muscles rather than tighten.

Hi OP, I could have written your exact post about 10 years ago after my first birth. Had a complicated ‘2nd degree tear’ which I and later gynae consultant agreed was actually 3rd degree but since was deemed 2nd degree, was repaired at time by midwife. I had huge problems in weeks and months after. I was in agony and poor control over bladder, bowel etc. Didn’t even attempt sex until 6 months after and found it was totally impossible. It was as you described.. a block half way and hugely painful. GP referred me to GYNAE consultant and they could see it hadn’t been repaired properly. Got referred for surgery and under anaesthesic they did a proper repair. Think they cut away old scar and stitched properly. It was amazing! Was a quick, simple day procedure. I expected a long recovery but after a few days I was in less pain than I had been the week before! I could tell I felt more normal straight away. I swear I actually doubted they’d even done a surgery at first as I felt so little pain and so ‘normal’. Left it about 2 months and then tried sex again. We went very slowly but amazingly was totally fine and been so since. I couldn’t actually believe how normal and good everything felt. Cried with relief over it all! So glad I didn’t just accept it!

When I got pregnant again I asked for an elective sections and got it no problem. It was a personal choice after almost 18 months of pain and recovery. The repair was so good I didn’t want to risk it again. They couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t tear along the same line again. I found the section a breeze after my first birth and it was amazing to have no issues the 2nd time. I felt fully recovered after 6 weeks compared to over a year the first time. That’s just my experience. Just want you to know it’s possible to recover totally from this and to go on to have a normal sex life and family life. I am now lucky enough to have 4 beautiful children and a healthy happy sex life with my lovely husband.. when we have time 😊

I had issues for as long as I breastfed (6 months). It felt like something was really wrong, more than just dryness, worse than losing my virginity again. It was fine after breastfeeding. Such a bizarre effect! My gynae said everything looked fine, and it was.

I had an emcs with my first and a VBAC with episiotomy with my second.
Sex was agony with my first to the point for about 15 months and my second is now 13 months and we’ve only had sex twice
It’s definitely the breastfeeding that causes painful sex for me

I was going to say vaginismus too. I had this after the birth of my first child and it sounds very much like you describe. Felt like a physical block, but actually, it turned out to mostly be my brain protecting my body from perceived pain after a traumatic birth, although there was some scarring too. I saw a sex counsellor with my husband who advised building up - touching without going so far as having sex. She also provided vaginal trainers but they didn't help as much as taking the pressure off to have penetrative sex. Worth talking to your GP and exploring that though. Best of luck.

I had the same issue after having my first child. I had a 3rd degree tear which didn’t heal right and made sex impossible. In my case I had a band of scar tissue causing the problem so I ended up having surgery when dd was 15 months and had no problems since.

The surgery is called a Fentons procedure. It may be you’ve got some extra scar tissue that needs to be removed, I’d see if you can get a referral from gp.

I had the exact same feeling while I was breastfeeding. It wasn't just feeling dry it was that nothing would go in!
I had a section so definitely no tearing or damage down there, it just wasn't possible to have sex. It stopped 4-6 weeks after I stopped breastfeeding. The dr wasn't really sure but said it must have been an extreme hormone reaction.