To ask how you thrived in adversity?

[littleloopylou]

Background: my ex put me through the ringer - years of emotional abuse followed by cheating me in the divorce. He still makes trouble for me constantly and tries to belittle and gaslight me. And yet, he seems to be doing great - great job, has a new girlfriend.

In the meantime, I'm single and floundering trying to secure housing for our child and myself while caring for her basically full time.

How did you get through a similar situation?

Bump!

Same situation here. I retrained into a job I love, acquired friends and experiences, and stopped giving him or his life a second thought.

@fourminutestosavetheworld this is inspiring! How long did it take you to stop thinking about the ex and the injustice?

Not quite the same as you, but I had a situation where serious injustice had been done to me at work and I realised that fuming about it was just making me into someone I didn’t want to be. I felt like the ancient mariner, wanting to tell everyone my side of the story and justify myself. I was constantly depressed and angry. Thought of harming myself so they’d realise what they’d done… So I stopped. Moved on, got a new job. Lower paid but so much nicer. Sometimes it enraged me to feel those who had acted badly got off Scott free but gradually I found out that wasn’t really the case—just the front they put up—and that a lot of people knew the truth and supported me. Now, even though I sometimes feel a little burn when something reminds me, I’ve never been happier, and can honestly say it’s made me stronger and more aware of what’s important in life. You have the joy of your child, he’s lost so much more than you.

@cunningartificer that seems like a very healthy response. I wish I could cut ties altogether with my ex

You can cut emotional ties. With some work and reflection. One step at a time you heal
Then it’s all easier to manage. Find some support abs get to work on your journey ( with love x)

@Topsyturvyloo thanks x

@Ionlydomassiveones this is probably true. It helps to be reminded!

Happy people who are doing great and are totally over a situation don’t spend time and energy abusing and gaslighting their exes
Soo my guess is he isn’t doing great

Sounds like he’s not seeing his child much

And why do you think he’s not doing the same to his new gf that he did to you?

All doesn’t sound great to me.
Don’t worry about him, be proud you moved on and focus on you and DC
Well done for getting out

I returned to studying.
At one point I was studying full time for a degree, working full time whilst caring for my two children (one with ASD,ADHD, dyspraxia etc, etc).
Their father diagnosed with a personality disorder and deep in addiction to a number of substances causing chaos on the way.
We were in temporary accommodation, living hand to mouth, my dad was terminally ill so had very little support.
But we survived it!
I won't lie, some days were difficult and we had several setbacks, but the children and I have a great relationship and we tried to do always do something special together at least once a week.
I think the trick is remain focused on your present and acknowledge that you are experiencing difficult times, but that these will pass and life will improve. Appreciate every positive moment so you don't become overwhelmed with negative thoughts - so much of your resilience can be attributed to how you view things.
It gets better and it gets easier!
You are in control of your destiny and life path. Now you are free you can create the life you want.
It may take time, but you'll get there.
One day you'll be living your best life, look back wondering how you managed it all. But proud of your progress and with the knowledge you have the strength to overcome anything.

*wringer

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc this is all right, of course - image and reality don't always align!

@Livinglavidalockdown wow, your attitude and story are really inspiring and make me feel silly, as i at least have a steady income. Honestly, well done on getting through that.

It might seem impossible right now but I promise* you that in the not-too-distant future, you will look at the new GF, shake your head and mutter 'the poor cow...' under your breath.

*if this does not happen, I'll give you a full refund

@littleloopylou, the best thing you can do for yourself and your children is build value. Know that your ex will continue to be a terrible person, so his existence is essentially without value. He is a bad man who does bad things..

You? You have value, you value your children and you value yourself. These things are important to you, centre you first and foremost, you matter. You have to matter, and as soon as you realise you do, everything flows from that.

If YOU matter, your children matter, your life matters. Then you can make good decisions. So put yourself first, what do you want?