Over sensitive? Can't figure it out - please help

[RobinHobb]

Hello everyone
There is a lot of wisdom here sometimes so want to ask opinions.

So keeping it short: I have a beautiful engagement ring and wedding ring which I don't always wear, I work in a lab and it's a hassle with gloves. He also gave me diamond studs on our wedding day which I wear when going out but not all the time.

He's always asking me to wear them, insists sometimes. Today he was after me to wear some super expensive lingerie he bought for a birthday a few years ago.

Now I hate pricey silk lingerie: I'm a track suit bottoms and joggers kind of person. Obviously as work needs and occasion etc I do glam up and wear proper clothes, but I hate with a passion uncomfortable push up thong type stuff.

So also because I get fed up of being asked if I'm wearing the earrings on the weekend - I don't know why, it feels like a "trophy" thing. Today he got after me to wear the lingerie and I told him he had no right telling me what to wear and when, and I just don't like wearing lingerie (which he knows).

He replies being all hurt that it's a present and he just likes knowing that I'm wearing and enjoying them and if asked him to wear something for me he'll gladly do it.

Aibu?

he just likes knowing that I'm wearing and enjoying them

You’re not enjoying them though, but he doesn’t care. Honestly, take it off and throw it away

He sounds like a controlling prick.

Thanks yes
We have had ups and downs as couples do but I'm trying to be objective and not take offence when it's not actually needed...I don't know.
You read posts on here and thinks "well it's obvious he/you are being a dick" but when you're in the situation it's hard to tell.

To be honest he does sound controlling, but on the other hand I would want my husband to wear his wedding ring all the time.
I understand that gloves can be a pain with some styles, so as money doesn't sound like too much of a problem why not choose some jewellery that you can wear everyday as your 'wedding' jewellery. A simple smooth ring, a necklace...

Lingerie choose stuff that makes you feel sexy, and tell him that. Dressing up can be fun but being 'forced' to or nagged into it isn't.

He said if you asked him to wear something he would? So ask him to wear the lingerie

@SunshineLollipopsRainbow

Lol!!!

The underwear is uncomfortable and not your thing so YANBU.

The jewellery presumably has sentimental value to you both so I would wear that. I have some diamond studs that I literally never take out ( I’m working on a cost per wear basis😁).

He is being unreasonable.

If you give someone a gift you have absolutely no claim on when, on how or most importantly even if they use it.

He's controlling and if you two don't sort out your communication so he realises his behaviour is off - I suggest couples counseling - then you will end up divorced. It maybe while you have young children, or you may put up with him until the menopause then completely lose it.

he just likes knowing that I'm wearing and enjoying them

Take him at his word, and tell him you don’t enjoy the lingerie, and that’s why you’re not wearing it.

If he’s being honest, he’ll appreciate knowing so he can stop pushing and get you better present in the future.

If he’s not, and he’s trying to push you into wearing things for his benefit, he’ll backtrack and find a new reason.

At least you’ll know where you stand.

he just likes knowing that I'm wearing and enjoying them

Well, yeah - as PP says you’re NOT enjoying them and that’s why you don’t wear them.

He wants you to wear them so he can enjoy you wearing them. Which is a totally different thing.

As long as you’ve been clear that presents of silky lingerie are not your thing at all, then he’s got no right to huff.

Wedding rings I guess yes, wear them unless it’s absolutely not practical to do so - my DH would be hurt if I didn’t want to wear my wedding ring around the house at the weekend. But the diamond earrings are clearly an occasion wear thing.

Tell him you’d love him to buy you a present of some more everyday jewellery and underwear, and you’d be delighted to help him choose,

Yea I wouldn’t like this. It’s one thing to offer/ suggest but another to be insistent and pester. It’s borderline creepy.

As someone else said , you don’t like it, so his response of “I like to know you wearing something you like” isn’t correct.

I’d just suggest he leaves the comments about what your wearing completely alone.

@RedMarauder

He is being unreasonable.

If you give someone a gift you have absolutely no claim on when, on how or most importantly even if they use it.

He's controlling and if you two don't sort out your communication so he realises his behaviour is off - I suggest couples counseling - then you will end up divorced. It maybe while you have young children, or you may put up with him until the menopause then completely lose it.

Ok Thank you. I think you're right. Our communication isn't always great. We already have young kids, and I've recently embarked on a (funded) PhD in cancer biotherapeutics, and just already feeling a bit lost for so many reasons (how will kids cope/childcare/imposter syndrome). So there's a lot of things going on in the background and I don't want to be transferring the baggage on to him... if you see what I mean.

I'm not great at communicating. I bottle up and then explode and it's never about the one time he left a glass by the sink instead of putting in the dishwasher, but then a whole host of issues gets swept away by that... and why did I lose my temper etc etc.

I need to focus and learn not to do this. I'm glad I spoke up about the lingerie. If he brings it up he'll end up wearing it :-)

@MatildaTheCat

The underwear is uncomfortable and not your thing so YANBU.

The jewellery presumably has sentimental value to you both so I would wear that. I have some diamond studs that I literally never take out ( I’m working on a cost per wear basis😁).

Yeah I used to wear them a lot more but the baby (now a 4yo) used to keep grabbing them, and I found them hard to sleep jn. I literally wear them for every occasion that I'm out. I don't want to be ungrateful either - I don't want to be that person that complains that my DH is giving me expensive presents...

I like suggestions that I guide him to what's suitable to buy! I think I will. It feels mercenary though given he already earns 10x what I do... his mum thinks I'm completely unreasonable not to wait on him hand and foot as the "good provider".

I've told him I don't like the expensive type lingerie already but he said he researched these and they have a reputation for being the most "comfortable" lingerie and it's a whole brand built around comfort blah blah and he put effort in.

But I just hate lingerie! I love my knickers from M&S!

wedding ring is an absolute nightmare to wear under lab gloves: the engagement ring keeps snagging so nothing I can do about this. I will just wear the studs as often as I can....

Thanks everyone. Glad to have some perspective.

My ex used to have a thing about lingerie. I told him and told him I hated it but he wouldn't listen, so one year when he bought me stuff for Christmas, I marched him into M & S and made him return it and buy the knickers I wanted. He never did it again

YANBU. Me wearing fancy lingerie is a treat for DH, not for me - the only notable exception was a lovely silk chemise from John Lewis that was elegant as well as being attractive.

My year of going crazy was the Christmas that DH bought me an absurdly expensive necklace not to my taste at all, when I'd explicitly asked for a Macbook. Turns out the Macbook wasn't much more expensive- I found out as I could return the necklace but only allowed to spend the refund money in the shop. It was apparently my "reward " for being such a good sport over letting him buy a £12k sports car with our family money.

Readers he got a bit of a lecture about what constitutes a good gift going forward.