To find modern life overwhelming?

[Angliski]

I’m looking for some help and inspiration.

I’m a mum of a 20 month ds. Extremely helpful house husband, do work I love, financially comfortable. And yet I feel continually stressed and overwhelmed. I seem to always take on too much, end up stress eating (food has always been my Achilles heel) and just shattered at end of day/week.

I realise i do need to find a way to take better care of myself. Ive got 5 stone to lose and terrified I can’t do it. I’ve recently joined a really posh spa gym for the first time, to just have a space that is kid free and relaxing, that isn’t my home. I’m mid forties and starting to feel that my self neglect hundred miles an hour style, just isn’t going to be sustainable.

What actions have you taken to reduce stress in your life? What’s really worked and how did you think it through?

TIA.

One major way to reduce stresses in your life is to come off social media. I also find meal planning reduces my flapping around trying to decide what to have and changing my mind due to lack of some ingredient.
I totally understand how you feel though, I watch programs from pre car times and think how relaxing life was with no phones constantly binging and no traffic (obviously choosing not to think about the harsh reality of life back then)

I try and stick to a routine
It's easy to say but don't take things too seriously anymore. We're not long here and I want to enjoy as much as I can and do the things I want to do
I stop all chores/housework and have the kids fed, bathed and at least settled by 8 each night.
And I try and get out most days for a walk. Switching off phone alerts is good for me and definitely come off any social media.
Nothing wrong with a humble life. I used to get migraines almost on a monthly basis when I lived in a city . I moved to a little village and I only get them once a year ish now

I am overwhelmed by everything at the minute
But I think that's down to being single mum

Some really great advice above!
Do you tend to overfill/over plan your time, OP? I think it’s ok to have whole days/weekends with nothing planned from time to time. Do others expect too much of you or your time?
I’m really interested in the discussions on minimalism on here, I wouldn’t go the whole hog with it but the principle of simplifying is really appealing to me. I hope the outcome would be to end up with more space, both mental and physical and more peace of mind. Good luck with it all.

Thank you for all your responses, some excellent ideas here. I did mary kondo the house a couple of years ago and that really helped with that sense of overwhelm and lack of order/control.

I really only do mumsnet and a little Facebook weekly drive by. I can’t stand the way social media makes me feel and how much time I lose.

I am definitely over ambitious but it’s more like life is crammed than a specific day. Toddler has definitely made me more realistic and strategic about what creates ease!

It’s the constant juggle - work, life,family, self… I sort of feel like they are all under pressure… I wonder how much of this is external and how much internal/ perception/expectation of myself.

I don't think there's enough hours in the day to meet all expectations everyday tbh. I make time for me one evening a week where I eat a nice dinner and have a few glasses of wine while the dc are at their dads overnight.
We have fri pm where I spend time with my dc and we watch a film together and get a take away
I call family on a Sunday to catch up with them
I get incredibly overwhelmed at times. Like the pp I'm a single mum, 3 dc, study ft and apart from 1 night a week the dc stay with their dad I am complex alone with no support network or family around
At those times I list the things I need to do and work through it. I. Know I'm being productive then
But I have to remind myself at times that I can only do so much. And if I run myself ragged I'm no good to anyone, especially my dc. So I have to lower my expectations and have a more realistic mindset and accept that that's ok

@BoPeepCantFindHerFucks I too work through the never ending list. I’ve tried prioritising by urgency and also organising by subject so I do an hour of just baby stuff for example, but yes there just isn’t the time for it all.

I’m really impressed with folk who manage to just switch off and enjoy themselves. I feel like I’m not very good at that at all. There’s always more… I’m always ‘on’.

I am going to restart meal planning @Astella22 thanks for the reminder.

I completely understand how you feel.

I came off all social media 2 years ago and it’s liberating.

I also found making lists really helpful. I have a list of things to be grateful for which really cheers me up when I feel shit. I have others such as things I want to achieve (broken down to things like the house, myself, long term goals), food I might want to cook, exercise ideas, outfits, days out, long term plans. It sounds weird but it’s actually lovely creating various lists and plans which I can add to and tick off. It makes me feel good. It also feels like I have to do these things because I’ve written them down.

I meal plan for a week in advance, but rather than forcing myself to eat the food I planned for that day I just plan 7 dinners and 7 lunches and mix them up according to what I fancy on the day. That’s much easier to stick to diet wise.

I’ve massively lowered my expectations in terms of how the house should look and what I should be achieving - the social media ban has definitely helped with that.

I think overall though, take it one day at a time. Nobody can achieve everything overnight

i agree with you modern life is exhausting. more noise, more cars, more demands on our time.
i’m working from home half the week, and when i’m working whether home or in the office the demands are horrendous. ( charity work and recently became a manager, toxic workplace)
I find the less time i spend online or driving the better, I don’t use apps i only log in to social media via internet on browser, I walk everywhere to try and it’s this as my exercise plus alone time. I’ve noticed since i’ve become a manager how everyone seems to be stressed and edgy plus over worked. the demands on workers are more acute in a lot of industries, especially charity
then there is the demands of asthetics. i workout, i dye my hair and i use make up and fake tan. yet i feel a bit plain compared to the hyper glamorous specimens i see around

when i do drive i am shocked by the dangerous and selfish drivers on our roads, this has changed for the worse i feel

as for what is useful to reduce my stress:
I don’t drink, this used to be my crutch but it made everything worse
i have learnt to say no: to invites, to demands from others etc
i walk and spend time in nature
i try to meditate but not there yet

PS as others have said: i make lists, i keep a record some days of what i’ve done it helps me see how much i’m doing in work
i have also had to try an lower my expectations around a lot of things: my looks, my house, my love life etc, the only thing i want to achieve a first class outcome in is my parenting, the rest is a bonus

A good shoulder shrug. It's great. Makes dealing with judgmental people almost laughable. Recognise the choices that are your's to make and if you happen to make the wrong ones, well...🤷‍♀️ 'Seemed like a good idea at the time'..and just move on.

@mummylondon16 good parenting is def non negotiable for me, it’s just how far everything else has slid, appearance, balance, relatinships… I’m probably just particularly low atm but it does seem like I’ve spent all my energy before anything like what needs doing is done. Even keeping my head above water with housework or basic exercise…

@Newroad that’s interesting about those aspiration lists… I always think of lists as to do boring boring… but a list of places to go or things to experience…hmmm

I'm watching this with interest as I have a toddler, a career etc to juggle.

The only thing I can offer advice on OP is the weight you mentioned. About 4 months ago I gave myself a kick up the arse to lose weight. Like you I was stress eating and had weight I wanted to lose. I wasn't eating well either. I tried a couple of diets the first couple of months but they just were not sustainable. What has worked for me is intermittent fasting. I am using the Fastic app to support me. I have lost 6 pounds so far in the last 8 weeks and it seems to be sustainable - i.e. I'm not cutting out food groups, I'm just eating in a condensed window of time instead, so it feels like I'm not depriving myself. It's like something has clicked in my head and it doesn't feel challenging either - at my last meal of the day I eat a big meal, don't cut out carbs or anything like that, I make sure I eat enough not to feel hungry before bed. I've had the odd night off too due to going out with friends for a meal, that hasn't slowed down my weight loss, so it seems flexible enough to fit into my life long term. Also in those 8 weeks where I've lost 6 pounds, I've also eaten chocolate, crisps, drunk wine etc. I am honestly not depriving myself.

From a healthy eating and saving time perspective, cooking 1 pan tray bakes in the oven (e.g. fish/chicken breast on top of vegetables to roast like courgettes etc) is time efficient - put in oven for 15 mins, go off and do other things, stir pan, put back in oven for another 15 mins, go off and do other things, plate up and eat as a family, minimal washing up afterwards (1 pan, a few plates and cutlery and glasses, 1 chopping board and knife). It's become my default way of cooking and eating evening meals and as a bonus it not only saves time but it tastes really nice too and it's good for me too. Loads of meals can be done as a bung in the oven and stir midway through job - bolognaise/ragu (Fay Ripley does a 1 hour bung in the oven bolognaise which is fab), risotto, stews etc.

I don't have time to exercise (except running around after my toddler, buggy walks etc) and honestly I don't think I will until DC is older, so I made a conscious decision to lose weight via my eating habits instead.

@MrsToadlike fantastic result- well done! I did do IF a couple of years ago and lost 2 stone but it’s like my discipline has gone lit the window post baby. Especially at night. I can delay breakfast to start my window but b t the end of the day I’m stuffing all sorts in. I am hoping that having a relaxing place to go will help.

I don't think you are alone in your thoughts!

I've struggled since having DC to find a balance. I work 0.8wte, full on emotionally and physically tough job. No family nearby to help. Elderly mother needing sporadic help but sadly will be on the decline in the next few years and need much more. I'm 3 stone over weight and starting to feel the effects- joint aches and pains. Dp def not that helpful. Most of housework/ jobs done by me, something which needs addressing.

My youngest has just this week started school and I feel I can breathe a little! I'm hoping the 2 days I don't work can give me balance and headspace.

I've let standards slide on everything - the house, my weight, friendships etc you cannot do it all without significant help.

If you are financially comfortable can you outsource cooking( hello fresh etc), get a cleaner or have ds in nursery for an extra half day to give you some time? Don't forget we are still in a global pandemic where you have had to survive with a lot of this time for probably the whole of your child's life.

I've also found coming out of covid restrictions quite overwhelming. Things aren't back to normal e.g. normal summer holiday clubs for kids yet we are expected to function at work as normal. There is also this pressure to perhaps make up for the awfulness of the past 2 years meaning I have massively overscheduled myself. This temporary and will calm down.

So you are not alone op. We have been fed a lie of having it all. It generally does mean doing it all!

To echo others I find that making lists really helps. I tend to get stressed out, then forgetful because of the stress, so making a gratitude list or a ‘To Do’ list (for things I can change, which might not be everything!) can be really reassuring.
Prioritise getting a good night’s sleep.
I go back to how I was on maternity leave sometimes when I feel a bit overwhelmed: lower expectations but keep yourself emotionally supported by having regular social contact for you outside of the DC. So organise ahead so that you know you’ll see one person a day who lives outside of your household and then try to get one thing on the ‘to do’ list done each day. Don’t beat yourself up if you do t achieve it but prioritise your own social support.
Job hunting online, though daunting can also give me a sense of control and perspective if my stress is work-related.

I totally get this. Life is full on.

I’m definitely more introvert than extrovert and found the demands on my/our time really tough going when the DC were small. On paper it should’ve been great. Big network of long-time friends, interested family members who helped with childcare etc. But honestly I found it totally overwhelming trying to keep up.

We moved abroad for my work. And it’s been amazing. With hindsight it wasn’t just about curiosity and wanting to experience life in another country… It was about needing to create space and avoid some of the politics and toxicity from close friends and family. None of that was obvious when we moved, but now, looking back with the benefit of space and distance, I just think I didn’t know it at the time.

Moving abroad might be a bit extreme! But I guess my message is to see if you can review any less than healthy relationships and even if you are unable to deranged yourself from them, at least be more mindful as to what they are doing to your mental health.

You are also right in the thick of the tough bits with kids. Mine got massively easier from age 4 (which probably feels a long way off but it will come around quickly).

I’m terrible at carving out time for myself (also work FT with DH being a SAHD) so get lost in lack of time vs Mum Guilt. I don’t have a magic answer for that….

Therapy REALLY helped me work through a lot of things.

Exercise is my challenge right now. I have so little time to do it, but love it when I do.

I need to look into self-sabotage as think I do this in spades. It’s like I am missing the mental strength and discipline to keep doing things that make me feel good. Would love to say I’m working on it but not there yet….

When daughter is in bed I set a mental timer for 45 minutes and I do housework for that long only, then I stop and chill out for rest of evening. You will never do everything and feel completely on top of everything but if you do a certain amount each day it keeps things in the house reasonably under control but gives you a balance too.

another perspective on this:
A lot of comments from people working part time. I work 3.5 days a week and i do 5 days work in that time period ( plus work at least an hour most evenings and weekends), this is due to in my opinion: some employers over loading part time workers with the same demands as full time ( for example i do the same amount of rota days as full time colleagues, i have to attend the same meetings as them and i have more staff under my supervision than them). this may be specific to my workplace but i suspect not. i have a colleague who just left who on paper worked 4 days and her output trebled the full timers ( i can see this on our internal database)
we seem to have this attitude to part time work as a favour from our employer despite the fact we are paid less for it
this alongside often being expected to take on the bulk of the emotional and practical parts of family life ( looking after daughter as a single parent & mentally ill father in my case, while looking after a household and practicalities of aging parents)
i’m aware that this is a generalisation & there are lots of great employers & partners out there

@MrsHoodits the mum guilt that gets me. If I am not with ds I am working. Actually having a day to myself to do myself things…. So DH and I are implementing new idea of a day on weekend off each. We’ve had a lot of family time over summer and both feel in need of some self time. Today was my day. Got up before everyone, went to new spa place and did a class. Someone made me breakfast. Taken lit to lunch by friend at posh club in london then had tea with other old friend and now home. It feels like so much luxury.

It also made me realise that when I have someone to chat to I eat a lot less. My Esther introverted ds rarely has much to say over meals. I think I end up guzzling because there is no pause to chat!

Not ds,
DH!

My ds is very loud but doesn’t yet make a great deal of sense!!

Please bear with me, because this is going to sound like a kick and it’s really not intended that way… I’m not sure that list making type things is the answer here, because one pre-school child and a good SAHD shouldn’t be overwhelming in terms of “things to do”. This must surely be much more about what you feel in your head? In which case, you can come up with every trick in the book - online shopping, get a cleaner, Kondo your house, make lists - and your brain will still sabotage you. Find other things you could be doing, to overwhelm you with. I’d certainly make a list… but not to make you more organised but to help you go through and think about what about the list overwhelms you. Forgive the armchair psychology, not saying this is you but throwing out a thought just for illustration. If you were brought up feeling like you had never done enough and weren’t good enough, then you could find that even managing everything you NEED to do perfectly well, your brain finds reasons to berate you for finding that too hard, or it not being enough… I don’t think this is a lack of organisational skills

Totally agree with @Ibizan re thinking about stress.

I said about making a list not to organise your actions but to think about why they’re overwhelming. It’s hand in hand with stress. Think through WHY you’re stressed.

There’s, “oh shit - I’m out of milk and the shop is shut because I worked late” = momentary stress, and dealt with by taking a detour to other shop or calling your husband to pick some up. No big deal.

Or in the same situation, the stress could come from different things - berating yourself for not being the perfect person who never runs out of milk, for example.

Sure, you could implement some replenishment system.
Or, you could work on letting go of beating yourself for normal life.

Worth thinking about what the stress really is.

Some practical things that helped me;

• De clutter, get rid of clothes/shoes/make up junk etc that just takes up space, less is more.also watch the home edit on you tube. I don’t have a massive house so I’ve not got loss of space to store stuff, I aim for minimal but that can be tricky with kids!
• I make to do lists.
• I had a professional hair straightening treatment, very expensive, not as amazing as they try to make it out to be but it does save me a bit of time blow drying it.
• not on Facebook or Twitter anymore so don’t get wound up at night by idiots annoying me online 😆
• online shopping, can always get a slot with Iceland for basics
• bought a new mattress which I love and bedding cos I wanted to prioritize sleep, also keep some sleepeaze tablets handy cos I struggle sometimes to sleep.

-started taking Imedeen - wow it really works for your nails hair skin - just made me feel better about my appearance and more in control

• I hate cooking and haven’t been able to box that off yet , people tell me to do Gusto or hello fresh but I’ve not tried it yet. It’s always last minute or sometimes take away cos we are both too exhausted to cook once kids are finally asleep
• need to loose a stone and a half but don’t know where to start.

Sorry I’ve rambled a bit there 😆