…to feel WFH post covid has increased family demands and to consider leaving professional career?

[SeaisBlue]

Advice much appreciated as very confused. Sorry for the ramble….
I have a good job as a city professional working 3 days, on the other days I am at home for children and have my own business.
I was on mat leave when the first covid lockdown hit and since returning to work this year I have been solely working from home. My work is technical and in and of itself not greatly exciting, I enjoy the people side of things. Working from home recently I have become very disillusioned, I have seriously lost interest in my job (just going through the motions) and haven’t felt like this ever in my career before. We aren’t due back into the office for a few months and wondering whether when I start going back in 2 out of 3 days, things will improve, though I am worried about the childcare side of things. Post having my second child, the demands of childcare have also increased. DH works long hours from the office so I have to remember everything for school, get the 2 children ready in the morning, do school and childminder drop offs and pick ups for both children. My DM assists in afternoons when children return home from childcare but needs my help - so I break off from work to do homework (demanding prep school) and dinner and put DC to bed, meaning from 3-7pm is hugely interrupted and I have to pick up work again and often working late until 9/10pm to get on top of work (and that’s just my main job). My other work interests have to be fitted in around that, evenings, weekends etc. It’s really unsustainable and house is a mess (low on my priority list, we have a cleaner only once a week). On my 2 days “off” during the week, I attend to my own business generally only on one of those days, that money is absolutely no substitute for my main job but helpful - I enjoy it as it requires lots of people contact and I think because it’s my own rather than working for a big company. I am seriously struggling to juggle everything (I have some other investments that I have to spare some time for but recently got a VA which is very helpful for that). I’m feeling I’m running around like a headless chicken and that I really don’t care about work (my main job).
Is this covid related? Do you think I will feel differently when I go back? Or is it second child related? Perhaps having child number two has tipped the balance of my focus off my career.
I’m wondering -

• Do I quit my main professional career to live life at a slower pace? It would free up time to spend with my children, be around to help with homework properly etc? Actually cook dinners rather than relying on takeaways because too tired and no time to cook. Would have to majorly tighten financial belts with only one main salary and to maintain current schooling options for children which we do not want to change. I am conscious I’m often tired and juggling work and don’t want them to remember a snappy mum. Drastic but we could downsize our house by moving further out to ease monthly financial burden if I did quit
• Do I try and find some more paid help at home to help with children? Seems to be like gold dust and we had a bad nanny experience in the past so have reservations not to mention the expense which on top of childcare fees for the youngest, school fees for the eldest, mortgage etc, I’m not sure we could afford without watching every penny

Advice much appreciated from those who may have had similar feelings. Thanks in advance xx

My sympathies. I hate wfh has turned life into one long chore. Can never escape work or domestic duties. Now back in the office part time and it's a million times better. Can you go back to office sooner?

I’m not sure how this is a WFH issue vs an issue of it always being difficult to do a 3-day job as it often means a 5-day workload crammed into 3 days; plus you have a side job on top, and no good after-school childcare – instead of your DM doing the after-school care with you (so… not really helping), could you switch to after-school clubs? That way you finish your work day uninterrupted, and get evenings back to fit in your other interests and commitments.

How would adding a commute improve things?

It’s bloody hard having extra jobs/commitments on top of the day job; I feel since having a child I basically am crap in all areas. Whereas I used to just be crap at my day job

Sounds like proper childcare for the 3-6 slot do you can deliver a full working day would make the world of difference OP- is that an option?

To be honest, the least sustainable thing sounds like your own business. If that’s basically a day a week, and it’s not making you much money, then it sounds like that’s the first thing that should go - although I realise you have an emotional attachment to it.

I guess it’s a question of which is more important: the money from your main job or the none-financial reward of your business.

For what it’s worth, I have also become very disengaged at work as a result of wfh (and the arrival of a new baby). We have started our return to work (office) and I am already finding a big difference; being in the office is much, much more rewarding and engaging. So in the short term I would go back to the office for a couple of months and see how you get on. Assuming you have a plan on how to manage this, which isn’t clear from your post given your 3-7pm situation.

I wouldn't make any changes until you ( hopefully) get back into the office. I feel like you about my job. can't wait to retire although that realistically won't happen for a few years, but before enforced wfh I was generally quite enjoying it.

Can your DH take on his share of the school runs?

Could you work the same number of hours but over 5 days? That would mean you finish earlier so don't get interrupted when the kids get home.

If not I would get reliable childcare 3- 6pm and not make any decisions until you are back in the office

Hi everyone thank you for your supportive suggestions. I’m pleased that I’m not the only one who has felt disheartened work wise since WFH.
I agree - I will not make any changes until I am back in the office.
I think in first instance I will try and go back at least a day a week sooner rather than later (hopefully after next few weeks) and will try and sort out some proper 3-7 childcare which would be game changing - either someone at home (if a miracle happens and I can find someone) or perhaps I can extend my youngest’s hours at the childminder at least until 5, and my eldest can do after school clubs - my concern is that he’s only 5 and needs quite a bit of help with his homework and that would really suffer if I didn’t help him (since DH isn’t there to do it and DM can’t manage with the 2 DC at once). My DM always used to pick me up from school and I feel a sort of obligation to reflect this, although my DM could probably do the pickups for DS. My DH says it’s not possible to do everything but surely we have a duty to put the children first. Wish I could divide myself in 5 and it would be ok!

Aside from the people side of being back in the office, there is a huge temptation for the DC / DM etc to interrupt me when I am WFH and they are home. If I am in the office, I can focus and get out with a proper days work done.

I take on board that the side business takes up time and doesn’t deliver as much income, I’ve minimised my workload on that front a lot and am very picky with the work I take on but it would be such a shame to throw the towel in now as I have started to build things up nicely (albeit it will never make me loads of money) and I love having my “own” thing and being my own boss albeit in a small way.
@Rhinothunder really pleased things have improved for you since being back in office
@Shamoo you too, sounds very positive
@burritofan totally know what you mean about feeling crap in all areas - we females do give ourselves a tough time I think
@MattHancocksSexTape unfortunately DH insists that he “must” be in office by 8.30am and he usually is home 8/9pm. He works for a tough company that has basically carried on regardless through covid and has never had a WFH policy. However I don’t help slightly resenting the fact that it’s left for the woman to come up with the solution!
@MrsRockAndRoll that’s a really good thought re spreading hours over 5 days. I originally set my work as 3 days when I had 1 child because I didn’t want them in childcare 5 days and wanted to spend time with him. I do also like being nominally “free” for 2 days although in reality I’m juggling my own business and childcare for at least one day. I will certainly bear it in mind over the coming months. I think the danger would be that people would load up my plate if I was in 5 days. I work in a field where you can’t really just walk out and switch off at a certain time, the job has to be done no matter how long it takes so may give people licence to overload me, but not sure. On the other hand it would help that I didn’t have to try and do a major catch up on my first day back each week with rafts of emails! I will give it some thought over next few weeks.

I can empathise. Covid has blended work and family life too much. The expectation that WFH parents could just carry on as normal and somehow home school at the same time was frankly toxic but unfortunately seems to have infiltrated normal life now too. Reality is you can't work the 3-5 slot if the kids are at home with an ineffective grandparent.

Maybe you could fix your working hours to do 4 days but formally finish at 3pm? Same hours but no childcare needed.

Sounds like DH needs to rethink his life also. 12 hours out of the house every day is not great, he'll miss the children growing up (the good stuff as well as the shit stuff)

Alternatively get the kids in proper childcare until 6pm on your 3 days and have a hard stop for that pick up.

Could you work until 3pm five days a week then you wouldn't have to play evening catch up?

For me, the problem comes each time someone in the house has to self isolate as that means the nanny and the cleaner don't come to work meaning I and, to a much lesser extent due to the nature of our jobs and how our lives work, DH have to pick up those pieces as well as, if it is one/both of the DC self isolating (as it usually is), having to supervise home schooling as well as do my job - and do my job well as, in these scenarios, I constantly feel the need to demonstrate that I can do all aspects of my job well

Get tough with DH and the kids on interrupting you in your work time. Get a lock for the door and put a do not disturb sign up. Tell them you won't be opening the door unless one of them is bleeding!

Your DHs job is fundamentally a big factor here because it's severely limiting how much he can help with. Can he find a similar job in a different company, one with more family friendly hours? Could he put in a formal flexible working request? Does he genuinely need to be in the office that long each day or is it an excuse not to help out at home?

I would think seriously about what you get out of working in your own business one day a week. Could you use the extra money it's bringing in to fund some extra help so you can outsource more household tasks? If it's not adding much financially then can you put it on hold until the kids are older?