AIBU to say it's not unusual to get married and choose not to have kids

[sandybeachlolly]

Speaking to friend recently, I don't want to have children which is my choice but I want to get married one day. My friend said in her opinion she wouldn't have married her DH if they did not want kids as she wouldn't have seen the point. Surely it's not that unusual to get married but choose not to have children?

Not at all. I know several couples who are married and contentedly child free.

I'm married and we don't want children, we discussed it extensively before getting engaged and are both on the same page but it was still important to us to get married

Its your business at the end of the day, both on children and marriage

Marriage can have financial implications though, so its always best to make an informed choice.

Nope, completely with you there, OP!

It's one of the 'arguments' on the childfree wedding threads that always riles me a bit, I admit. When those on the side of 'childfree weddings suck' give the argument that a wedding is the start of a family (with them at that point), and a family means children (no longer with them there!), so therefore it's wrong to not have children at your wedding.

I'd say that of my friends and family who are married, maybe half have/plan to have children. I know that's only my experience, but it doesn't seem as unusual to me.

I am with you OP of course you can get married and not have kids. I'm not married until next week and have an eight year old but I was engaged before I had her and thought I might never have kids at that point. Your friend is a bit silly really.

It's not unusual at all. I personally couldn't see the point of getting married without kids but I know several child-free people who are very happily married, probably more so than their counterparts with children.

@piratehooker I love your username

Not unusual. My aunt and uncle are married and childfree, and DP and I want to get married eventually but neither of us want children.

[quote Myusernameisnotmyusernameno]@piratehooker I love your username [/quote]
Why, thank you!

That’s really narrow minded of her. YADNBU

Your friend obviously has a very narrow circle of acquaintance, and a very limited grasp of the variety of human relations.

Your friend is an idiot.

This is a discussion you should have at the beginning. So people who do want kids don’t get stuck in what they deem a dead end relationship. Though that’s probably less of a problem if you’re a straight woman.

My cousin has been married for 25 years and not had kids. It's not unusual.at all.

It’s not unusual to want to be married and not have children.

Did your friend say it was?

It’s not unusual to not marry someone who doesn’t want kids if you do want kids.

Do you think it is?

You are both correct - can’t see the issue unless one of you was dismissive of the others choices / aspirations.

No it’s not unusual, YANBU
However your friend was only saying what she would have chosen in her case. I’m not sure she meant it in a way to make you feel unusual/weird for wanting to be married with no children.

We've been married for 32 years and never planned to have kids.

I know a few other couples our age who are the same. Never wanted them, never had them and have been married for 30+ years.

We've been married 15 years and we are childfree by choice. It's far more complicated to set up provisions for your partner in the event of your death if you are unmarried.

I’d say it’s ‘unusual’ in that it’s not common. I think significantly more people get married and children than choose not too. But obviously there’s no wrong choice. I totally disagree that the point of getting married is to have kids, as you’re friend suggested - you get married because you love someone and want to spend your life with them, children or no children. It’s not a baby-making agreement

Not unusual. My aunts are both married, no kids. I'm married, no kids. My sister would like to get married, does not want children. (Maybe we're just very unbroody in my family !)

Marriage does not equal children. I find your friend's POV weird - I assume she's saying she wouldn't marry someone who didn't want kids, because she does. Which is fair enough. But that's about compatibility, not marriage itself...

It IS unusual as it's something not usually done or something you don't see often. But it's not wrong or weird.

I've never wanted kids, whether you do or don't want kids is a discussion you should be having early doors...not after marriage. I wouldn't have stayed with a partner who did want them

YABU in that it’s unusual. People do do it though.
Your friend may somewhat have a point - marriage is a complete combination of assets and when there’s a large disparity is not financially beneficial to the higher earner. The costs and benefits have to consideeed carefully.

I totally disagree that the point of getting married is to have kids, as you’re friend suggested - you get married because you love someone and want to spend your life with them, children or no children. It’s not a baby-making agreement

To be fair, loving someone and wanting to spend your life with them doesn't mean you have to marry them. People still love each other and stay together for ages without being married.

Marriage IS some kind of an agreement to stay together no matter what. Although the 'no matter what' part is no longer upheld by many. For those who want to have children, it's a way of securing financial future/the children's wellbeing and in many cases, the spouse's too.

I don't see the point. Marriage keeps you together when kids pull you apart slightly or provides extra security if you do split. If you want to stay together without kids, you just stay together.. don't need a marriage to do that.