Is this how grooming starts?

[2lsinllama]

This is going to sound odd but I haven’t thought about it for years. Talking to a friend about the whole Prince Andrew affair and told her about something that happened when I was 14 or 15.
We were staying with my Mum’s old school friend and her husband. He was probably mid 40’s. Over the course of the weekend he held my hand, rubbed my foot and leg under the table and then kissed me when we were alone upstairs. I was very flattered and had visions of us running off together. I’d never had a boyfriend and was quite innocent. Not long after, his wife discovered he was having an affair with a colleague and threw him out. I never saw him again.
When I thought about it later on I felt guilty, like I had cheated on his wife by kissing him. Now looking back on it this week I suddenly thought how absolutely wrong it was. I don’t think it has had a lasting effect on me but just started to look at it differently and wondered what others thought. I’ve never told anyone.

That's straightforward abuse. I'm sorry it happened.

Yes it's a process of seeing what they can get away with, step by step, to see if the child reacts and tells an adult or if any adult notices and objects. So definitely a process of grooming you occurred that weekend. If you had seen him again he would likely have continued it.

You've just reminded me of an example of 'grooming' from my own life. I was 14. My maths teacher, probably in his 40s or 50s, recommended that i read 'The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner'. In it is an example of a man having sex with his friends young teenage daughter. Teacher then wanted us to 'talk about the book'. Fortunately, I had more sense. To me, that's grooming, trying to prepare someone for follow-up abuse.

100% grooming.

Dirty fucker.

Sounds about right. He may have just been a sleazy pedo trying his chances as a one off but doesn’t make it any better.
Grooming would usually be characterised as the long term plans an abuser puts in place. eg befriending your parents, gradually getting you alone for longer periods, exposing you to porn to Desensitise, giving you gifts etc

I'm sorry that happened, 21sinllama.

When I look back to my young days (I'm over 70), there were many similar occurrences. Sometimes I was spooked, sometimes I was extremely flattered but of course, I was a kid.

Back in those days you couldn't tell anyone, least of all your parents. I'm sure if I had told my mum about anything like that she would have said, "What did you do to encourage him?", or something like.

Nobody really cared about youngsters then.

Grooming was the verbal which led to the sexual offence against a child that he committed.

The grooming disoriented you enough to accept the physical assault and then feel somehow complicit for the breakdown of his marriage.

I am sorry that this happened to you as vulnerable young girl.

That's not how grooming starts, that's straight up abuse of a child.

It's not just grooming the kissing and leg stroking etc are child sexual abuse. I have just double checked this with the nspcc website and you may find it helpful to look at the information on their site. It is common to minimise what happened and the effect it may have had on you. You did nothing to feel guilty about.
You may find it helpful to talk it through with someone you can trust.

Thanks all for your thoughts. As I said I have (consciously) thought about it for years. Am due to start counselling for a variety of other issues soon so will consider discussing this as well.

Do talk about it during counselling, 21sinllama. It will help.

I was very 'flattered' by a 36 year old man when I was fifteen and it went further .... It all came out and I got the blame. The police were useless.

Though now over seventy, I've never forgotten.

Counselling was beneficial to me.

Recently I read that he died of Covid in hospital at the end of last year. He was due to go to court charged with sexually abusing two young girls - when he was in his sixties! It was in the mainstream news.

I felt vindicated at last.

Take care of yourself.

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

That's straightforward abuse. I'm sorry it happened.

Yes.

Maybe let's not offer up lots of personal stories or grooming examples.

Just saying.

Why do you say that? I was only looking for some thoughts and advice, nothing more. It doesn’t break any rules does it?

WhatNaYes, why not? It's anonymous on here. I've read loads of posts about people being abused.

Sexual abuse is not a subject one generally talks about in real life, except in a highly confidential setting. Mumsnet fulfils that role up to a point.

Maybe let's not offer up lots of personal stories or grooming examples

Let's not police each other over examples used for clarification. Just saying.