Weekends away

[lab2017]

I feel selfish putting this, but I don't know what to say to my partner or even do anymore. We have 3 children 4,,10,11 years old. For 5 years he worked night shifts also on weekends, so as you can imagine the time he spent with us he was so tired. It nearly ended our relationship due to I felt like i was bring up my 2 children at the time on my own. Finally he found a new job which were days but had to work weekends which was great, weekends not ideal but it was better. But as the children were getting older they wanted to spend more time with their Dad and for him to have one on one time with our son as they were clashing. Well he now has a new job and it's worked out perfectly and now has weekends off! Brilliant! Now this is where I feel selfish. My partner has now signed up to racing which means he goes away about 8 times through the year at weekends! Miles away. Which to be honest I don't have a problem with bit it's the fact now if he's not taking part he wants to go and watch. I don't want to feel I'm stopping his life. But we still have kids. He has not spent hardly anytime with our son and have made promises which he hasn't kept :( he has took our son once to a race/camping with him but payed no attention to him. I feel stuck. I am struggling. It's always his mum who's helping and I feel he needs to be their for them. I have mentioned to him and he thinks I'm being unfair. I don't know what to do.

It sounds like he might not be used to being around them so much that they are just not in his consciousness in such a way. It is sad and he may not realise the impact he is having on his relationship with them.

If he’s a decent guy in general, I’d sit him down and have a frank conversation.

But if there are other issues in the relationship between you two, I would find it deeply unattractive him not being there for his kids and it might be a deal breaker if he didn’t step up. I would have to consider leaving.

But my first port of call is always to see if you can solve the problem.

Thank you for your reply I appreciate it. I have spoken to him but he throws back at me that he let's me go off for couple hours on my own to do my thing,but being honest this is very rare. As I usually get a message saying can you come back one of the kids are kicking off. I have sat down with him and bought up our relationship making sure he's happy and he says of course I couldn't imagine my life without you! But it just seems he doesn't want to do much with our children. I'm not so sure I can solve it anymore as he doesn't seem to get it. But will give it another try and solve it. Thank you.

The weekends away amount to 16 days a year, for me it would depend on if I got 16 days or equivalent a year and who works what hours a week.
Why does his mum have to help so much? Can you not book childcare?
Breaking promises to children is not on though without a valid reason like an emergency.

We both work in the week as my youngest 4 year old now starting school I took on a new job back in May to help bring the money only mornings some Sundays not all only at busy season and he agreed to this because he was now home. But then he decided to sign up to racing back in June. No I agree and this is what I have said to him. My poor son is hurt by it. Again he has said to him we will do this and I just wish he didn't because I'm worried it will be another broken promise.

What’s he like on family days when you are altogether?

That might be the first step to engaging him if he doesn’t already. Could be as simple as playing board games or going to the park, not allowing anyone to be on their phones during that time etc.