Aibu: to not agree with his drinking habits.

[JasFlowerr]

Hi,

I’ve just had a bit of a disagreement with my husband because I wasn’t happy with him wanting to drink alcohol tonight. I don’t want to be one of them wives that want to control what he does but he agreed the night before that he wouldn’t drink tonight because he was having a drink on Tuesday, Wednesday and a couple last night too, as well as going out to drink Saturday nights. We have a mortgage and a child, and I just think it’s getting too much financially, as well as him being too dependent on alcohol, although he’s not getting drunk every night, but he does drink almost every night. We’re always thinking of ways to cut down on spending, and he himself is sometimes worried about our finances (although we live fairly comfortable), but I just don’t get why he goes on about our spending sometimes but doesn’t see drinking 6 nights a week being costly and requiring to cut down! I think we probably spend £40 a week on alcohol at home from our joint account, but then he spends more on his own account also. I work Thursday and Friday nights but I will drink a bottle of prosecco on Saturday night then maybe again on Sunday or Wednesday night, not always though.

I really don’t want to be one of those controlling wives but I do see it becoming an issue, but he won’t accept it. And it’s annoying when it is him who worries about finances etc, but then will gladly drink every night if he could. It was every night at one point but I managed to get it down to 6 nights a week! Should I leave him be? Am I being unreasonable to expect him to change his ways with regards to how often he drinks? It also affects him in the morning, which is so frustrating, because he is so lazy in the morning, although to be fair he has been good this week with our son back in school, but it never lasts long.

YANBU. I grew up with a mum who drank and it caused me emotional distress

I was gonna say you sounded a bit controlling - I kinda of thought you begrudged him having can of a beer at home on a Friday night - which hardly breaks the bank!

But it sounds like he drinks most nights and can’t manage the next day!

I don’t care how much or often my husband drinks - but if it affects the next day or he wasn’t able to help with getting the baby to bed and help with night wake ups etc then that would be an issue for me.

How much does he drink on an evening?

YANBU. Problem drinking means it affects day to day life

@Fupoffyagrasshole

I was gonna say you sounded a bit controlling - I kinda of thought you begrudged him having can of a beer at home on a Friday night - which hardly breaks the bank!

But it sounds like he drinks most nights and can’t manage the next day!

I don’t care how much or often my husband drinks - but if it affects the next day or he wasn’t able to help with getting the baby to bed and help with night wake ups etc then that would be an issue for me.

How much does he drink on an evening?

Much more than a can of beer on a Friday night. On some nights it’s a few bottles of beer, probably 5 maybe 6, other nights it’s a bottle of wine and some beers, sometimes will have half a bottle of prosecco off me then some more beers. Might not seem like much to some but it’s every single week, 6 nights a week, at least! He struggles getting up in the mornings usually, plus he moans about wanting to cut our spending but when I suggest cutting down on the drink he just doesn’t want to entertain that idea, but to be honest that’s where a lot of wasted money goes on. I feel bad for over spending on our weekly shopping sometimes because of his worries, but it’s food, it’s never useless stuff, yes might include some treats for our son occasionally, but who doesn’t buy some treats like chocolates or a little toy or whatever sometimes?

We’ve recently bought a bigger house which is an extra £300 a month for us and he was always going on about cutting out some stuff to save money, I have even suggested if we stick to alcohol on weekends and mid week like Wednesday night so that’ll save some money, and who needs to drink more often than that anyway? He agrees but it’s always an empty promise. I’ve even started taking extra shifts at work to make up for the extra but why should I be worrying when an easy way to save money is to cut out some of the alcohol?

It sounds like you are both drinking a fair amount. If you are knocking back a couple of bottles of wine a week maybe you can both make some changes together

I think you need to cut down as well.

YANBU and it certainly does sound like your DH needs to rein in his drinking. If he's looking for ways to save money, why not keep a record of how much is being spent on alcohol and show this to him at the end of the week? You could then agree a suitable 'alcohol budget' going forward, which should then mean he can't drink every night. This will only work if you can get him on board though, and how keen he is to do this will be quite telling, in terms of how far into dependency he is.

You're both drinking too much, but he's worse. Your idea of weekends only has merit, but knocking back an entire bottle of wine twice a week is a lot and you could do with reducing that.

Your husband sounds as if he is alcohol dependent and that's a real problem, especially since it is affecting you financially.

I don't think it will only be £40 a week.. This level of drinking is damaging to health, wealth and relationships!

I left DS's dad because he drank a bottle of wine a night and claimed that was normal. 9 units x 7 is 63 units per week ! Plus he had a couple of pints on a Friday and sometimes on a Sunday afternoon as well.

It creeps up really easily and then difficult to stop. My ex refused to listen. I would never let ds go in the car with him because I could never be sure he was legal. And I wouldn't allow ds grow up thinking that level of drinking was ok. YADNBU

You are both drinking far too much. Your DH sounds alcohol dependent.

Money is the least of your worries.

My husband drinks too much. He is a shift worker and says he needs it to unwind and suffers from depression. It's a constant stress in our Relationship. I love him dearly. It's his one vice. I tolerate it with a few rules He pays for it from his own money not joint account and he has to get himself up the next day. Sometimes he will have three beers sometime half a bottle of whiskey, but every night. I know he had a dependency. The only person who can make him stop is him. I found getting him into running helped.

I don’t think it’s fair to lump both OP and her husband into both being problem drinkers. There’s a big difference there.

OP, I think you need to stop focusing on the money side of things. You’re completely right of course; it’s such a waste of your joint finances and he’s a moron for moaning about money and then pissing a huge chunk of it away.

But he knows this too! And yet he’s still unwilling to change his damaging behaviour. Kinda sounds like an addiction to me. A mostly functioning one for now at least but things will only get worse unless he acknowledges he has a problem and wants to change.

You need to choose a time when he’s calm and sober and have a conversation about how his drinking is making you feel. You can include money but don’t make it a focus because clearly he thinks it’s money well spent.

You can’t make him change, only he can initiate that. But you have every right to assert what kind of relationship and family life you want to have without being controlling. I hope things get better for you in the long term.

That would drive me mad tbh! I have an ex who was always sleeping in for work and missing things cus he couldn’t wake up on time due to the night before! It was crap and such a waste of your life tbh!

I’m not sure what the answer is because you can’t force him to stop or cut back - all you can do is ask

You both seem to have alcohol issues and need to cut down. Have you worked out how much each of you is drinking in units per week?

@Mrbob

It sounds like you are both drinking a fair amount. If you are knocking back a couple of bottles of wine a week maybe you can both make some changes together

I’m happy to cut down, although I only have a bottle of prosecco on a Saturday night, and occasionally a Sunday or Wednesday which is always shared with my husband. So at most a bottle and a half a week, but not every week, so never saw myself as drinking too much to be honest, but I suppose it might be to some.

@PersonaNonGarter

You both seem to have alcohol issues and need to cut down. Have you worked out how much each of you is drinking in units per week?

Just worked it out and I drink at most 13.5 units a week, drinkaware says the recommended guidelines is 14 units. Never thought I had an alcohol issue to be honest as I could easily go without, and it’s only mostly on Saturday’s I will have a bottle of prosecco and occasionally a Wednesday or Sunday night, which is always shared with my husband. I thought most people drank a bottle of wine or something on a weekend to be honest but I suppose not.

How many units does he drink though? A lot, certainly a heck of a lot more than I do.

I think posters may have read it as you drinking 2 to 3 bottles of wine a week as you didn't state at first that you share it with your husband. Although 1.5 bottles is still too much if its not every week then uts less of a problem

@user1471457751

I think posters may have read it as you drinking 2 to 3 bottles of wine a week as you didn't state at first that you share it with your husband. Although 1.5 bottles is still too much if its not every week then uts less of a problem

I did state in the beginning that I drank every Saturday, 1 bottle of prosecco, and drank the ‘occasional’ Sunday OR Wednesday night, ‘occasional’ does not mean ‘every’, but yes, didn’t mention until after that I would share the occasional bottle. To be honest, I don’t think 1.5 bottles is too much, especially if the NHS advise to not drink more than 14 units per week to keep health risks to a low lever, and 1.5 bottles is just under this. Not my opinion, it’s what the NHS states so I don’t believe I have a problem.

Do you buy most of the alcohol? If you’re in charge of the shopping then that’s an easy way to cut it down. Has he tried lower alcohol beers? If he doesn’t want to change though then it’s up to you to decide how much of an issue it is

I think drinking a whole bottle to yourself is classed as problematic as it’s too many units in one session- it probably is putting a strain on your liver whether you realise it or not.

I’ve done it myself, plenty of times when younger, so I’m not judging but I agree with the other posters that you need to reassess your drinking habits too.

From the NHS website- spread your drinking over 3 or more days if you regularly drink as much as 14 units a week.

He’s not going to change unless he wants too, which doesn’t sound like he does and you can’t change someone. Wanting you to cut down on your other spendings but managing to drink 6 days a week. Have yous worked out how much a week, month, year you spend on alcohol including your Prosecco

@CiderJolly

I think drinking a whole bottle to yourself is classed as problematic as it’s too many units in one session- it probably is putting a strain on your liver whether you realise it or not.

I’ve done it myself, plenty of times when younger, so I’m not judging but I agree with the other posters that you need to reassess your drinking habits too.

From the NHS website- spread your drinking over 3 or more days if you regularly drink as much as 14 units a week.

I never thought drinking a whole bottle to myself once a week was problematic to be honest. I know of a lot of men and women who drink a whole bottle of wine to themselves more than once a week. Most of my friends drink a bottle of wine to themselves on the weekend. I don’t smoke, I eat healthily, but enjoy a bottle of prosecco on a Saturday after working night shifts for the past 2, sometimes 3 nights, and when my son is at his grandparents, didn’t ever think that was problematic! The other half I drink (occasionally) is only when my husband brings a bottle of prosecco home on a Wednesday OR Sunday (I repeat, occasionally), and we share that, and that’s it for my drinking. So I guess the importance is thar I reevaluate my drinking habits then and let him do him. I’m sure we all have our vices that we enjoy on the weekend or off work, or is it just me?

@Hidehi4

He’s not going to change unless he wants too, which doesn’t sound like he does and you can’t change someone. Wanting you to cut down on your other spendings but managing to drink 6 days a week. Have yous worked out how much a week, month, year you spend on alcohol including your Prosecco

My spending a week would be £6. The other bottle I have occasionally I share, he decides to buy it, so let’s say my weekly spend is £9 then. His weekly spend is at least £36, not including what he spends when he is having a couple of pints out once or twice a week.

OP you do not have a drinking problem! My goodness some of these posts. Your husband, on the other hand, might. Unfortunately he's unlikely to to anything about it until he also decides it's a problem.