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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you see people pleasing/ overly compliant types as emotionally immature?

6 replies

LBirch02 · 10/09/2021 14:32

I’ve posted this inspired by the number of threads on cheeky fuckery of one kind or another. I think these are good threads in the sense the responses to them help give us ideas on how best to cope with difficult people.
As someone who’s been a self confessed people pleaser myself I totally sympathise with everyone else in this position. I don’t know if it’s a British thing or what but a lot of us are conditioned I think to be nice and not make a fuss and yet we’re called shy doormats very often by the people who tell us off for making a fuss!! It’s a really difficult habit to break people pleasing I think especially as in my case emotional blackmail was often used even if my decision not to engage with someone, for example, was perfectly valid objectively.
Generally speaking I’ve noticed people who lack confidence and aren’t assertive often are treated badly by their peers both directly and indirectly. They are often seen as less capable in managerial type positions as well. Is it because people regard them as somewhat immature do you think - unable to handle difficult emotional situations/people? Or not necessarily?

OP posts:
SparklingLime · 11/09/2021 17:28

You do seem to ruminate on this issue a lot, @LBirch02. I would honestly encourage you to have some therapy if you can afford it. ‘Self care’ can only go so far. An objective professional would allow you to discuss these issues much more productively.

ssd · 11/09/2021 17:30

I'm a people pleaser, will read with interest. Wish i could harden up.

toconclude · 11/09/2021 17:32

Not immature necessarily. Just stuck in unhelpful patterns.

IsItJustMeOrYou · 11/09/2021 17:37

I woul suggest...The Codependent Recovery Blueprint by Avery Hayes

LBirch02 · 11/09/2021 17:39

ssd if their helps you - the way I try and ‘harden up’ is that when I finished with my ex, he took it very badly. However, I was so resolute in my decision that I wasn’t going to back down. He used blackmail, was genuinely distraught etc. However I know I made the right decision. Sometimes finishing a long term relationship is easier actually than a much more minor situation I think - like for example stopping a colleague getting personal details and prying by keeping them at arm’s length. This is because when you finish a relationship, it has to be a clear cut situation however hard the repurcussions. With telling a work colleague to mind their own business, for example. it’s a much more ‘grey area’ situation which in its way can be more difficult. However I learned from this that people don’t like rejection however major or minor the situation but you know in your heart that you’ve done the right thing.

OP posts:
Gardenwalldilema · 11/09/2021 17:44

I'm very laid back and could be classed as a people pleaser, generally because I'm too busy to decide on plans, organise shit etc, so will just go with the flow.
I'm absolutely not treated badly because of it though, people tend to like me because I'm not a drama queen or stroppy.
I'm also fairly senior in work so deliver hard news when needed, but don't go out of my to look for quarrels.
So what you're saying doesn't resonate at all.

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