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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

FIL wants to visit at 10-11 at night. AIBU?

25 replies

Polkagray · 10/09/2021 13:39

OH doesn't have a close relationship with any of his family unfortunately, they're all quite disjointed and live all over the country.

The only one we ever see is FIL once in a blue moon and that usually comes with the caveat of him wanting to borrow money. FIL has always shown clear favouritism of BIL and that hurts OH who feels he's only ever good enough when he's helping him out.

We've been on holiday for the past week and are arriving back home today. FIL called OH this morning and said he'll come round tonight after work, OH just agreed as he tends to take what breadcrumbs of contact he can - sadly. FIL is a chef and doesn't finish until 10pm so it'll be really late. We'll have been on trains and trams all day so we're tired, our children (3 and 2) will also be in bed.

WIBU to put my foot down and say no he can't come?

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2021 13:40

You go to bed and let DH have his little scraps, as it'll make him happier than saying no and not seeing him at all.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 10/09/2021 13:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

cricketmum84 · 10/09/2021 13:41

@NeverDropYourMooncup

You go to bed and let DH have his little scraps, as it'll make him happier than saying no and not seeing him at all.

Exactly what I was going to say.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 10/09/2021 13:42

Agree with a PP. Go to bed and leave your partner to it.

LittleOwl153 · 10/09/2021 13:44

I would go to bed - but will that leave your DH more vulnerable to the asking for money if it would perhaps say no?

PinkiOcelot · 10/09/2021 13:47

I would just go to bed and leave them to it.

I don’t think it’s obvious that he’s coming for money, although that might just be me being naive.

idontlikealdi · 10/09/2021 13:57

Good just go to bed and leave them to it.

HollowTalk · 10/09/2021 13:59

It's very sad that your husband is being treated like that. I would tell him to pre-empt it by saying something about having a huge bill. Eg "Hi Dad, thought you might be able to lend us some money as the boiler's broken (or whatever) - it'll be £500. Will you be able to help?" And then your FIL will know not to come round and not to ask for money.

Wandafishcake · 10/09/2021 14:01

Agree with the others. DH should be allowed to see him if he wants to but no reason for you to stay up

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2021 14:04

I wouldn't tell my husband he wasn't allowed his father in my house, no. But if you're tired, go to bed And if he disturbs the kids, make it clear DHwil have to sort them

mbosnz · 10/09/2021 14:12

I'd be fine if FIL were to come round, if we'd had a discussion prior, and it was agreed and understood that no money would be lent to him. And that you could trust him to hold to that. (My FIL was much the same). And then I could go to bed.

Marylou2 · 10/09/2021 14:12

Your poor DH. Perhaps tell FIL you'll be in a lot over the next few weeks as you're flat broke after your holiday. To prevent any requests for money..

Boobieboobieboobie · 10/09/2021 14:15

I feel for your husband but its a no from me.

mickeysminnie · 10/09/2021 14:31

I would focus more on making sure your husband doesn't give him any money.
If he's coming after work it's hardly because he wants to see you.
You aren't a bank.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/09/2021 14:35

If DH wants to stay up and 'entertain' his dad, fine. As long as he realizes that he's not going to be 'cut slack' the next day on any of the 'chores' that come with getting home from holiday. If he'll do that then YABU, let him come and you go to bed. And I'd do no shopping or food prep for his 'visit' either. DH can fix snacks, get in drinks or whatever normally goes on with his Dad's visits.

BUT, if DH is going to expect you to stay up late, he'll shirk his share of the work the next day, or if he expects you to shop or fix food for his Dad's visit, then YANBU to say no.

LaBellina · 10/09/2021 14:35

@NeverDropYourMooncup

You go to bed and let DH have his little scraps, as it'll make him happier than saying no and not seeing him at all.

^^ this.

I understand your point of view but I think it would be unreasonable to forbid your FIL to come visit at that time unless he’s disturbing your DC’s or your sleep.
If that isn’t the case I wouldn’t make a fuss about it and hope that one day your DH sees him for what he really is. I feel sorry for your DH because I know what it’s like and I think you can help him by suggesting to do some reading about golden child / scapegoat dynamics.

Lollypop701 · 10/09/2021 14:45

Fil probably isn’t visiting, he’s calling round late so can just ask for cash and then leave, using lateness as the reason. The question is, are you going to give him money, if so how much? and if not how is the conversation going to run. This is the discussion you need to have with dh. Discussion up front may help him see how badly he is being treated

HocusPocuss · 10/09/2021 14:45

As other have said, why can’t you just go to bed and leave your dh to it? My dh’s has friends pop over late from time to time. If I’m up, I’ll say hi and then go up or else I’m asleep and don’t even notice they’re there! It’s really not a big deal

Original poster

Polkagray · 10/09/2021 18:04

Thanks for the POV's. I can see what you're all saying about me just going to bed and leaving him to deal with FIL so I'll do that.

My two concerns were me and the children being disturbed and of course FIL being given money (that we can't really afford to spare after splurging on something as rare for us as a holiday)

I feel sorry for your DH because I know what it’s like and I think you can help him by suggesting to do some reading about golden child / scapegoat dynamics.

That is exactly what I suggested to him this morning after he came off the phone to FIL. Whether he does or not remains to be seen but I hope so as I think he'd benefit from it. He knows the dynamic stinks and it upsets him alot.

OP posts:

Doomscrolling · 10/09/2021 18:17

You’d not be unreasonable to ask him to come another night, seeing as you’ll be knackered from travelling and unpacking

NewlyGranny · 10/09/2021 18:26

Well, your DH has the perfect reason to refuse a loan or gift of money! Prime him to say no with a side order of, "We're just back from an expensive holiday!" If FiL says, "Well, if you can afford a holiday, you can afford to help me," DH must say "That:d why I can't spare you anything, DF. It's gone now, and you know nobody can spend the same money twice!"

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 10/09/2021 19:02

Is it about the money or the time of day?

For the time of day, just say no because he’ll be disturbing the kids. I don’t really see how anyone can argue with that. He surely doesn’t work every night?

The money is a much more long-term problem. He works full-time so presumably he’s living beyond his means? You first say borrow then say have, so not sure if he’s paying you back or not? You don’t need to explain yourselves but you could just say no because of other expenses. What kind of man would take money from his child and grandchildren?

JudgeJ · 10/09/2021 19:14

@Wandafishcake

Agree with the others. DH should be allowed to see him if he wants to but no reason for you to stay up

Every reason to stay up, if the father starts to guilt-trip your OH about money you want to be their to make sure he says No!

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 10/09/2021 19:16

Get yourself off to bed.. Shove dh's wallet under your pillow!!

Sh05 · 10/09/2021 19:36

Why don't you both decide a plan of action. Most likely fil is going to ask for money so decide together what DH will say to his dad.
Your fil will obviously try and guilt your DH but if he has some concrete answers ready then he may find it easier to stick to your joint decision that no money is going to be changing hands now or in the future.

Flip