Am I hitting the 7 year itch or is this 'Just marriage?'

[laughaminute]

There are so many things going on for me and DH at the moment that I can't understand whether this is my 'lot in life' , if I am just being hormaonal due to being 5 months pregnant (3rd Child),unsupported by those arouund me in any way(in actual fact I am always the one doing for others),loss of identity and independence that kind of thing, i think we all feel this at times.
These feelings just happen to coincide with our 7 years together, lots of work and money troubles(I say money troubles, I mean just bad cash flow-hubby actually earns loads) and 2-soon to be 3 children under 5.
I can't really talk to anyone in depth and if you have ever had a problem when being pregnant then people just completely dismiss the fact that your moans are genuine unhappiness.
I have had the odd chat with hubby things improve for a few days-I mean he actually washes up! or lets me have a bath while he has the kids.I have been waiting for him to take me out for a meal for 4 months,I have dropped big hints, moaned,cried, but still I am waiting to be taken anywhere.At I time when I need the affection and reassurance most it has gone.All the texts or letter messages I get are, requesting things for me to do or just nforming me when he intends to go out.On the other hand I am sure you all say well 'what do you do for him',and why is he behaving like this-'do you dress up in sexy clothes?'NO, not at the moment I am fat and don't feel sexy, 'why don't I book a meal?'Because I ALWAYS do it,I want him to want to spend time with me.'What messages do I leave for him?'-well I guess they are of the same nature overall such as 'could you put the bin out?' (With kisses I must add).Sometimes I write a note and put in his work things that say 'Love you' or have a good day but this effort seems worthless when he returns home and promplty loeaves all his work clothes lying on the floor and goes out to the gym.-Leaving me alone AGAIN.I even cried during sex the other day,(He didn't even notice!)
I do work for 10 hours a week, that keeps me sane and mentally stimulated and I adore my children and am even excited about the new arrival.I just feel alone, unsupported and I am so scared because I don't want to get to the stage where I want a divorce, I feel that is sometimes the easy way out,I am prepared to go the lomg haul but not i n this way-ANY SUGGETSIONS???

i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

have you suggested marriage counselling? i ddi it a while back and while it didn't massively change DH's behaviour, it made me feel better as there was someone else in the room, supporting what i was saying, felt nice for my concerns to be validated if you know what i mean, to know that i wasn't being unreasonable an that it wasn't just one of those things you just put down to married life.

There is a book on "The 5 Love Languages", by Gary Chapman I think. Each of us have particular ways which make us feel loved. The 5 love languages in the book are, from memory, Words of Affirmation, Quality Times, Acts of Service, Gifts and Physical Touch. Which are more important to us will vary during seasons of life but it is not uncommon for our languages to be diffferent. Men often favour words of affirmation and physical touch whereas mothers often crave acts of service or quality time.

You might be able to google on an article about the above and use it for the basis of a discussion. I suspect that your dh would be more motivated to take you out for dinner if he realised that it meant so much more to you than some of the other things that he has been trying but that you don't even notice. When I was pg with a toddler for example I hated dh bringing flowers home - for me it was just one more thing to look after. Dh thought that he was being loving to me, but he definitely wasn't speaking my language!

In terms of feeling lonely and unsupported: there is no way on earth any one person, especially a man, will be able to meet all your needs for friendship and relationship. And I don't think that even the two of you can be all that your children need either. You need to think about how you can build up your network of friends so that you can give and receive from them as well as your dh.

The only other thing that I can say is that the next few years will involve some hard work - young kids are labour-intensive, there is no getting away from it! If you can afford it then outsource anything that you hate or is a drain - buy yourself some time! When your youngest goes to school life will start to look and feel very different again.

Good post Lady Muck

I didn't really even consider that things had got to that stage, do you think it sounds that bad?I don't think that hubby even realises that I feel this way.I am starting to just get cross that I think 'maybe today will be different' and still it remains the same.Thank you for your reply, yes it helped me to see that already just how quickly a stranger can reply to me yet my DH cannot even hear my cries-how absurd?Did you get through and out the other side of these feelings? If so how (if he didn't really change) did you manage to get your head around it?

Thank you lady muck this is whatI needed, some people that have been there and worn the t-shirt.Some days I feel that this just isn't what I want in life but hopefully like you say this may alter when the youngest goes to school.Although I feel that the connection we had between us, almost where we did used to speak the same language is slowly becoming more uncommon.I don't have the energy to explain my feelings to him in great depth each time any more and it does just sound like moaning.Any suggestions for how to communicate these messages of need without moaning yet rememnbering to touch him to make him feel good when I don't feel that way at the moment?What can mend this break in communication?I am quite a deep thinker whereas unfortunately he does just take life in his stride-good job living with me!

talk is the answer. open, honest discourse about feelings in a non-argumentative style. if you can manage that between yourselves great if not then perhaps with a counsellor.

dh and i are also married seven years this year. when ds was born 5 years ago we made a decision to work together to make our relationship strong for him. since then we have made a deliberate effort to talk through any issues we have within our relationship and explore them together. We try even harder to listen to one another because invariably when exploring relationship issues you will hear things you don't particularly like or which are hard to face.

I think if you are waiting for things to get better by themselves then you are waiting in vain. you need to get talking - particularly if your dh doesn't know how you feel.

why not start by asking him how he feels in the relationship? i found this a good tactic with my dh - gets the conservation rolling in a way that just hitting him with my issues from the outset would never do.

I've changed my name for this as DH comes on here sometimes.

This could have been me writing your post when I had been married for 7 years. I honestly spent weeks/months trying to work out whether it was time to call it a day, working out how much our house was worth, could I afford the mortgage on my own, squirrelling money away so I could afford to live without him etc etc. I also wondered whether it was the '7-year-itch'.

Wierdly, I was just unhappy with our marriage/life generally, rather than any 1 specific thing. DH didn't help with the housework etc (still doesn't), but is a good husband and loves me. He is a wonderful father, and when he wants to be is actually quite thoughful and caring. But he's a bloke! He doesn't talk about feelings etc, or ever want to discuss our relationship.

The bottom line is that I finally figured out that the grass is unlikely to be a lot greener elsewhere, and that after being with any man for a long time I'll always have moments of being sad/frustrated with how things are. I decided that I couldn't change him (any more than I'd be able to change another man), and that things weren't actually THAT bad, it's just that I was feel a bit low generally which made me blow things out of proportion.

We've been married for 13 years now, and generally have a happy marriage (although there are still ups and downs - but I think that's pretty normal with any relationship.)

I hope that helps!

I don't do very much seperately to the family unit and am wondering if this has been part of the problem.I have done nothing but provide for them all of the time with no release.I feel guilty if I want to go away for a few days or even going to the shops makes me feel bad.I would love to meet with my riends-I have a lot of friends & family away-is it unreasonable to leave him at home working hard while I visit relatives I may not have seen for a year or so-I mean my brother, mother etc? I know that together time is vital but circumstance doesn't always allow at the moment-money,children etc.DH has hobbies at least 2x per week at the moment and works every saturday so I/we only get him for 1 day a week at the moment-I know that he is trying to provide for us all and like you suggest-the grass isn't always greener.How can we add a bit of excitement to our lives inside and outside our marriage.I worry that suddenly striking up outside interrests may make him feel unwanted by me thus having an adverse effect?>????

I have done 18 years (you get less for murder) with a thoughtless man. I threatened to walk about 6 months ago unless he started to see me as a human being not a maid. It scared the crap out of him, so know we are going to counseling and it starting to help.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want to see friends/family that you hardly ever see. Could you not see them with your DCs sometimes on Saturdays when your DH is working?

I don't have many interests outside of my marriage, but one thing I started doing many years ago was cycling. It gives me 'ME' time away from my family - I tend to go out in the evenings when DH is watching telly, or 1st thing in the morning before everyone gets up. I love this time alone for me to relax/think/unwind - is there something similar you could do 2 or 3 times a week that doesn't cost much, but gives you a bit of time to yourself?

hiya

yes DH didn't really change immediately after the counselling although he has changed a lot of his ways very slowly over the years. i think some of it had to do with maturing and becoming a father when he realised he had so much more to lose if he continued being an arse.

counselling made me feel better in that my issues were valid, that the counsellor agreed with me on a lot of things. i felt stronger and more assertive about arguing my case.

i don't think marriage counselling is just for folks who's relationship has reached rock bottom, i'm sure it's used bypeople who have stuff they want to sort out before things get too bad and the resentment sinks in. it was very expensive, though. cost us about £40 a session or something like that. they base it on your income. our's is high, but so are our outgoings, typcial london couple, really.