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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Miffed about lack of flowers

49 replies

EdithGrantham · 10/09/2021 12:06

This is completely outing but CBA to name change.

At my workplace we all contribute £10 a year for a 'flower fund' and this is used instead of a collection for if someone is ill, has a bereavement or if they've had a baby.

In the case of people having babies a collection is also made to buy gifts and often a baby shower is organised, often at a place that does afternoon tea, to present the gifts, play games and generally say "good luck".

I had my first baby a few weeks ago and got some lovely presents before I went on maternity. A shower couldn't be organised because of covid restrictions but everyone gathered for a little while in the outside space to wish me well. A few weeks later when restrictions were the same a takeaway afternoon tea was organised for some people who were leaving which did make me think that might have been an option for me but the main issue is the following and I'm (half!) prepared to be told I am being unreasonable.

I haven't had any flowers. For other people these have been delivered within a week after the baby has been born, my LO is now 6 weeks old and everyone has been back in work after summer holidays for a week and a half. I'm not bothered about the flowers particularly but I can't move on from the feeling of being a little bit forgotten. Am I being completely unreasonable?

OP posts:

LegoCardSwapper · 10/09/2021 13:06

I get it OP. When I worked there was a definitely 2 tier system at my place which I was always so uncomfortable with. Some people got a properly lovely handmade cake, intricate decorations etc. There was even a running joke about a shit bunch of flowers for people who were off/had a baby/a bereavement but were generally considered to be consistently a pain in the arse etc. I must admit I was gutted to receive the shit (in comparison) Costco cake, and the shit flowers. My boss came to visit me and as soon as she saw the flowers she knew. She was sure to drop into conversation how busy everyone was and who the ordering had been delegated to. Sure enough it was someone who just didn't like me. It stung though and definitely helped my decision to not return to work there.

cunningartificer · 10/09/2021 13:23

I think I’d be tempted to send a lovely thank you card for the flowers. If someone queries it say you assumed your gorgeous anonymous flowers were from work.

cunningartificer · 10/09/2021 13:23

Oh yes and buy yourself a good bunch of anonymous flowers to cheer yourself up!

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 13:27

@DayDate
The best place was when it was the boss’ PA /graduates/apprentices. There was a set collection amount at the start of year, a budget per gift, a spreadsheet. Anytime something came up it was people’s duty to email and be put into the spreadsheet. No surprises, no fuss. Balance money rolled over. Worked wonderfully for a team of 50!

In other places it was women (whose idea it was - nobody made them do it). But then again I work mostly in male dominated environments with none of this. So I wouldn’t know whether people in the office make women do it. Even if they did not making anyone do it as I said would solve the whole problem.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 10/09/2021 13:31

I wouldn't say anything now but would stop contributing- what @Antinerak said. Just give money to the people you want to individually or buy them something yourself. There is too much potential for mismanagement of funds for any sort of regular contribution pot in a large office.

Jubilate · 10/09/2021 13:32

My husband's boss made a big deal about knowing when my EDD was because its company policy to send a bouquet of flowers on the birth of a child of any employee. Said child started school last week. I couldn't have given a stuff about the flowers but it did leave a bit of a feeling at the time. Either send them or don't, but don't tell someone about it and not do it.

Kite22 · 10/09/2021 13:34

YANBU to be feeling miffed, but you say in your OP "everyone now back in work after the Summer holidays" - I presume you work in Education then? I wonder if it is just the timing, the usual flower organiser being away when your dc was born and everyone else just assuming she had done it?
I think it is one of those things. Not worth dwelling on, but totally understandable you are feeling a bit left out.

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 13:35

@Cocomarine

You could email the person, “hey, I know you usually do flowers… there’s a good chance I’ll go to take baby to my mum for a week from tomorrow, and I’d hate them to die on the doorstep - letting you know not to organise this week!”

Christ, that’s crass.

EmeraldShamrock · 10/09/2021 13:55

I think I’d be tempted to send a lovely thank you card for the flowers. If someone queries it say you assumed your gorgeous anonymous flowers were from work. 🤣
With a 6 week old baby I wouldn't have the time or energy.
They'll just think "awh well covers our arse" it seems like it was a mistake nothing personal, they'd bought you presents so you were not completely overlooked.

Mary46 · 10/09/2021 14:03

I wouldnt mention it. I do think keep it fair if they buy for 1. Op I found so much office politics over the years. But yeh not nice.

Porcupineintherough · 10/09/2021 14:23

I wouldnt say anything but nor would I contribute to the flower fund in future. These things need to be scrupulously even-handed if they are done through an organisation- just choosing some people over others is not on.

Malin52 · 10/09/2021 14:24

I'd be happy I didn't have to deal with the arse ache of flowers. Look lovely when they arrive. Have to derobe them from acres of plastic and rustic twine. Then cut them up. Leaves everywhere. Sit in a pot. They then die at random intervals. Rotting petals amid stinky water and stain everything.
I'd be thankful you got the functional gifts instead.

LukeEvansWife · 10/09/2021 14:34

This is why work collections are an issue. There is always someone left out/someone reluctant to contribute/someone feeling hurt and it causes more trouble than it’s worth. We used to have to pay whenever it was a birthday/maternity/change of department/retirement etc etc and it got stupid.

LukeEvansWife · 10/09/2021 14:34

And im also biased because I loathe receiving flowers

Rainbowsew · 10/09/2021 14:40

@Cocomarine

Don't do this! If I read a message like this is deliberately not send any!

They've forgotten you, it's a shame and yanbu to be miffed but you can't say or do anything about it to work people without being grabby. You got lovely gifts from them organised by someone who knows you and likes you, that's a good thing sometimes work gifts aren't always great.

My first baby gift from work was disappointing but confessing it here is the first time I've mentioned it, I didn't even to DH/mum because my colleagues thought of me and that was enough, but I hated that gift ( I saw their reasoning it was a plaything that supposedly grew with child but it cluttered up my house for years, was a hassle to change its stages and made a hideous noise but guilt made me jeep it )

Let it go op and think carefully about contributing to such funds in future. Much better to give to flower collections at the time of the illness/bereavement to avoid feelings like this in people in future, saves your cash and you can give according to your feelings about the person.

Original poster

EdithGrantham · 10/09/2021 15:11

Thanks for all the further replies, I am incredibly grateful for the gifts I got, they were so lovely. As I said I don't particularly mind not getting flowers but did feel a bit left out.

OP posts:

Scienceisnotopinion · 10/09/2021 15:22

I would stop contributing to the flower found from now on, since its obviously not being used anymore

Henio · 10/09/2021 15:28

@Scienceisnotopinion

I would stop contributing to the flower found from now on, since its obviously not being used anymore

Thats basically what I first thought too, just stop contributing

I don't like organised office gifts anyway, a gift should be a thoughtful personal gesture imo, office collections just seem like a tick box exercise

TowandaForever · 10/09/2021 18:08

I don't understand why you wouldn't say something or ask someone about this.

TheChiefJo · 10/09/2021 18:16

I wouldn't say anything but I wouldn't contribute to the fund any longer.

user1493494961 · 10/09/2021 18:27

Perhaps there's not enough money in the fund at the moment.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/09/2021 18:33

It sounds an expensive place to work. Expected to fund flowers, gifts, baby shower teas etc.
You had lovely gifts, aren’t they enough?

Original poster

EdithGrantham · 10/09/2021 19:31

It is entirely possible there wasn't enough money I suppose.

To those saying aren't the presents enough, absolutely they were and if it weren't for what has happened for people previously I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

I'll probably continue contributing as well to be honest because that would be such an awkward conversation to have if I decided not to!

OP posts:

TractorAndHeadphones · 10/09/2021 21:02

@EdithGrantham

It is entirely possible there wasn't enough money I suppose.

To those saying aren't the presents enough, absolutely they were and if it weren't for what has happened for people previously I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest.

I'll probably continue contributing as well to be honest because that would be such an awkward conversation to have if I decided not to!

Why is it awkward? Just say you didn’t receive any so you thought it had stopped. End of. Maybe I’m too blunt for my own good 😎 but I don’t like gifts, nobody even knows when my birthday is

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