To think I am not superwomen.

[gingercatsparky]

So I had a bit of a mini flip out around May time with DH. The jan lockdown was an absolute nightmare. I was trying to home school two primary school children, work my part time job and complete a masters. With next to no help from DH. I was in tears a lot and constantly tired and ready to snap. I wasn't sleeping well so was a zombie. I felt everything was on me. DH did step up but now feels things can go back to how they were before. But I am not happy and it's really made me question our marriage and what I want in life.

AIBU to think I can't do everything alone? He needs to help. DH thinks we should go back to normal. Which at the moment is me working 32 hours a week total- 30 during school time and 2 x 1 hour after school. This is running my own business and doing a masters. Plus all the school runs, kids homework and kids activities 3 times a week. DS now has homework every night and DD three times. He never helps with homework and I do pretty much all the cooking. He washes up, puts the bins out, puts DS to bed every night. I am finding my head is fried trying to keep up with it all. I have made quite a lot of sacrifices for this masters, working evenings and weekends during COVID times, finding it hard to fit any exercise in as DH can't/won't have the dcs during this work hours but if I go during my work hours it takes up a large chunk of the day when you only have between 9-3 to get it done anyway. I feel bad working outside of this as I am not there enough for the dcs.

I keep saying to DH that I am not superwomen, I need more help. He says he hasn't got much more to give. He has his own business and we do rely on his wage. His business is all consuming, he does work hard. 9/9.30-6/6.30 5 days a week. Often working evenings and taking client calls whenever. He's been at home recently and in fairness has helped out more. But he's planning on going back to the office soon and we are discussing how many days he goes. I will have no help at all on those days and I am worried about it.

AIBU ask DH to help me more?

No, DH shouldn't 'help'!! He needs to step up as a partner and a father and get on with it like everyone else. You need to stop framing it as asking for help and sit down with him and split it all fairly. He can't just work his hours and then the rest is leisure time without you having the same.

Does he understand the meaning of partner? Married or not.
Of course he should be getting stuck in and parenting as a partner not a helper with his DC.

I'd ask him to leave, you'd have more control, less work, etc

First thought is those aren’t especially long hours he’s working! What does he do to help before starting at 9/9.30?

Second is, he is doing something in putting the kids to bed every night - it’s something I personally don’t enjoy, but I’m a single mum so that’s that. Can he swap jobs with you? So that he’s doing something you dislike or find overwhelming instead?

It sounds like it’s the homework that’s causing you grief - can he flex his hours, pick that up as his task, and then work again while you get the kids to bed.

The bins isn’t a massive job unless you make it one - I take recycling out every day as I go, which means there’s no big “doing the bins” nightmare- maybe do that and he can pick something else up instead.

There’s no point him saying he doesn’t have more to give if you’re already giving more than you’ve got. There has to be a fair share, without him dictating what’s the max he can do, with you picking up everything else as default.

Change the mindset. It's not 'help' - it's his fair contribution. You work 32 hrs pw and do all the children's taxiing. DH works 45 hrs per week. That's about equal. So everything else should be fairly shared between you - all the housework, home admin and the under valued mental load. Make a really full list of all of it and share it out between you. He doesn't get to cherry pick but it makes sense to work to your individual strengths.

Stop doing more than your share. Just stop.

And make life easier. On your cooking nights, do tortellini with pesto and salad or oven baked fish and chips with peas. Or batch cook mince and tomato/peppers based sauce to be turned into spag bol/chilli with rice, enchilladas with guac etc.

At weekends, make sure you each have one lie in where the other one cares for DC and one night out together. And set aside 3 hours during the weekend to jointly blitz the house/ do the weekly shop/laundry/bed changes with DC 'helping'.

It is unlikely to be easier for you as a single part-time working parent. But of course you are not unreasonable to expect your DH to help!
If he's bringing most of the money in and you are part-time, and there are no babies in the picture, it is probably fair that you are doing the most of housework. Is there an option to get some paid help?

Should have said “participate” and not “help” in my first paragraph

Also - can you kids learn to be a bit more independent with their homework?

My DS has concentration problems, possibly ADHD but not diagnosed, so I know it can be hard to get them to do it. But if they have a different nature/ can be taught to be independent, like my Dd who’s always done it herself, that would help a lot.

@Wombat96

I'd ask him to leave, you'd have more control, less work, etc

Haha it's crossed my mind and we have talked about splitting up. I feel like my life would be easier in some ways if we did! He would have the kids 50/50, I would get some free time.

I feel like he wants me to only work and nothing else . He makes comments about me attending exercise classes during the working day if it means i then have to work weekends or I am stressed. We says I am not working evenings- I do stop doing much from 7.15 onwards when DD is in bed but that's because I have had a busy day.

DH seems to get run down very easily and gets ill a lot. He is definitely much less willing to just get on wity things then I am or everyone else in life. He says he's not cut out for it, didn't want kids anyway, wouldn't be able to manage taking dcs to school on Mondays as it's too early- we get up at 7 and leave at 8 so not stupid early. He has done a few school runs this week and moans about if cutting into his work hours and how if the business folds it's my fault because he has to take 1 hour out of his day. He fails to realise I do this 5 days a week twice a day.

What would be fair then? I am no confused and worn down by the constant arguments I don't know anymore. I know it's my fault as I have enabled this but I have always been a get on with it person and probably am a little bit of a control freak as I have always had to just get on with it so have had control. I always think I should be able to do it alone. Is 32 hours really that much? I know people who probably work many more hours than that and aren't moaning about it, they seem to fit it all in and keep a smile on their face.

It's like he expects a medal when he does contribute wanting me to thank him or saying he's emptying the dishwasher for me. I get really mad when he says that and I can get nasty which I regret but it's so frustrating.

I think part of the problem is I am a bit of a control freak so the homework has tipped the balance for me in thinking how the hell I will fit it all in. DS is capable but lazy with his work so I do feel I need to sit with him to get the best out of him. DH rolls his eyes and says if he has to do the homework he's going to email the school to complain about how much they get!

Yes- that's part of the problem. DH hours aren't that long but they are high stress. But compared to what I know friends DH do they are short hours. They just seem to get on with things. DH hasn't seemed to grow up and doesn't want to do anything that he doesn't want to do, thats necessary in life. But seems to think I do! I think he's just disorganised and would get a lot more done if he ordered his life better but he disagrees. During 7-9 He will be in bed on his phone. He says he's working but to me posting on Instagram and Facebook business pages isn't working. But he does sales so I guess it is fundamental to his role. He will have a lovely long shower, get dressed, wash up from last night and tidy kitchen, have breakfast. He sometimes helps do the kids teeth. I get up, get myself and kids dressed, breakfast, sort cats, school things, washing, admin, anything else. Have about 10 mins to get ready myself and fly out the door for 8 ish.

In fairness he does do the washing up when I cook which I hate. We are lucky enough to have a cleaner and I have started outsourcing the ironing. But outsourcing all this stuff is expensive.

It's like he expects a medal when he does contribute wanting me to thank him or saying he's emptying the dishwasher for me. I get really mad when he says that and I can get nasty which I regret but it's so frustrating.
My partner mucks in a lot but like yours
He expected some acknowledgement, I use to mock him cheering & clapping make him feel like a dick, followed up with my list and waiting for my cheer.
He still does it much more subtle now.
Last night he was like a puppy after cleaning and listing the tasks, tbf the house was upside down it was sparkling when he finished.
I'm having an off week with constant school issues.
I gave him a thank you nod. 😊

List Jobs split them.
He can do at least 2 nights bath and bed with the DC allowing you time too study.

Agree with PPs: you shouldn't consider it "help". Of course, every time you look after dc, you're helping him, but I bet neither of you see it that way because they're your children.

And they're not long hours he's working at all. I guess he justifies it by being the main breadwinner, but it's mostly just sexism.

Trouble is I am not sure I can trust him to do the jobs if we did divide them up. I can't rely on him and we are not a team. I get so frustrated with him and then I end up being nasty to him which I don't like. There's no support. We went shopping today and the dcs were playing up- his solution is to pretend they aren't ours and let them get on with it as they don't listen. So I end up being the bad guy all the time as I am the only one willing to discipline them. I end up cross mum as I am doing it all myself. Then when I gave talking to my ds about it he starts smirking because my ds is and then ds doesn't take it seriously and it's one big laugh. I am shouty, no fun mum and he's fun dad. It's roll your eyes at mum.

I can't trust him with anything. I ask him to do small things like write in the dcs homework diaries when he's read with them- he constantly forgets. Dd went to bed early due to behaviour and when he puts ds to bed he's allowing her to get out of bed, have cats, have cuddles etc so any consequence I have tried to enforce has gone out the window.

I don't want to be this moody, shouty, stressed mum with the kids and a nasty wife but I am so ground down by it all. He just thinks I am kicking off about something and in a bad mood without understanding the reasons behind it.

I went for a coffee with a friend after drop off yesterday for literally an hour and a half. Got home and was straight to work. DH came straight in asking if I d had a nice coffee in a sarcastic tone and stated he doesn't have time for a coffee. The first coffee I have had for ages as I have decided to have a week off my masters between assignments. I don't know what he wants from me and I can't win. He used to make comments like this when I was a SAHM for 18 months before Dd went to school and brings this up constantly out of the 20 years I have been working. So I go part- time whilst studying but still I am not allowed any down time. He wants me to work when he is and full time- but not if it means he has to do anything extra. When I ask him if he wants me to work full time and point out he would need to do school runs , more in house etc. Kids wouldn't be able to do xyz he says he doesn't want that. But then I get comments like this. This is exactly why I question if our marriage can work.