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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday card from ex

26 replies

Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 09:55

Please help me.
My partner just had his 50th Birthday.
He received a card from his ex which said:
'To my dear, dear, Dave, Happy Birthday xxxxx
Love from your ex, Karen'
(names anonymised)
This has made me really really uncomfortable not least since we broke up due to her constant intrusion, and only recently got back together. My gut trusts him, but I am really upset.
Could you please advise me what you think? Would you be ok with it?
Thanks

OP posts:
BathMatToe · 10/09/2021 10:21

Does he speak to her?
I'd just ignore it if not.

TinnedPotatoesRock · 10/09/2021 10:23

She sounds a bit over the top with the dear, dear and love from your ex comments but it's not his fault she's done that. What did he say on receipt?

Noshowwithoutpunch · 10/09/2021 10:26

Well I don't think he's still seeing her as she's obviously bitter putting 'ex'. There again, reverse psychology could mean that she's playing games and putting 'ex' as an inside joke between your partner and herConfused
I think your partners reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 10:28

He said it was passive aggressive.
I would never ever write this on a card to my ex. It uses language which is way too intimate.
That was my concern too noshow. That it's a 'joke' between them and they're still together under the illusion of 'ex'es.
I didn't see him receive it. It's on the worktop with loads of other cards, not hidden or anything.
He speaks with her regularly as they have children.

OP posts:
ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2021 10:30

Sounds like she did it to piss you off!

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 10:31

It's not pissed me off. It's upset me.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 10/09/2021 10:32

Ignore. She’s done it to needle you. I think a card for a significant birthday is ok if on friendly terms but a Happy Birthday Dave message no dear dear and love ex.

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 10:34

Yeah the card doesn't bother me, of course you'd mark it for the father of your kids. The language does. It implies she's still his intimate partner (apart from the 'ex' bit which is just odd on any level. And really disrespectful to me (not for the first time either, but again genuinely not his fault)

OP posts:
Homemadearmy · 10/09/2021 10:35

If she sent it to cause trouble then she's won hasn't she. If you can I'd just ignore it and don't react. Possibly turn it into a joke and refer to your dp as dear dear Dave for the foreseeable

Ponoka7 · 10/09/2021 10:39

How long have you been together and why did you split?

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 10:42

Nearly 2 years. Split because she kept turning up at his house 'due to the children'

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 10:44

@Homemadearmy

If she sent it to cause trouble then she's won hasn't she. If you can I'd just ignore it and don't react. Possibly turn it into a joke and refer to your dp as dear dear Dave for the foreseeable
Such good advice. I’d laugh.
Tlollj · 10/09/2021 10:56

She’s winding you up.
Ignore her. Like the pp call him dear dear Dave from now on.

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 10:58

I can't see how it's not an attempt to cause trouble. It's almost so obviously over the top for someone you're divorced from, and demonstrates such a lack of social appropriateness that it's absolutely weird.

OP posts:
AlvinSimonTheo · 10/09/2021 11:00

Yeah she's trying to cause trouble. It's weird because she's a weirdo. Bin it and start calling him Dear Dear Dave.

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 11:43

Thank you for the reassurance

OP posts:
Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 11:46

Dear dear Dave has a ring to it. I almost wish he was called Dave now...

OP posts:
Teeturtle · 10/09/2021 11:46

@Wonderingone3

I can't see how it's not an attempt to cause trouble. It's almost so obviously over the top for someone you're divorced from, and demonstrates such a lack of social appropriateness that it's absolutely weird.
So don’t let it cause trouble. Roll your eyes and throw it in the bin. Have a laugh about it even.
romdowa · 10/09/2021 11:56

As is always said here , you don't have an exdf problem , you have a dp problem. If he knows that she likes to do things to wind you up then why didn't he hand back the card and tell her sorry but that's a bit innapropriate, same with her turning up all the time. He needed to be the one to tell her to stop but yet here he is displaying her card. He isn't ever going to create healthy boundaries with his ex, so the choice is now yours: can you live in this relationship triangle?

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 12:01

That is true @romdowa

OP posts:
Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 10/09/2021 13:06

Perhaps it is a triangle-in which case I certainly won't fight or rise to any kind of confrontation. I think there may be the intent to evoke drama, not my thing.

OP posts:
Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 13:33

It’s not a triangle, ffs! The ex is stirring for mischief and you’ve done exactly what she wanted and risen to the bait. The sensible response would be “Oh, nice try Ex, didn’t work though” and call him Dear, dear Dave constantly.

Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 13/09/2021 14:47

Yes I agree that it is probably to cause mischief.
I'm quite easily upset too. Perhaps I need to become more resilient.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wonderingone3 · 16/09/2021 10:37

Anyone? He's taken it down. Would you leave it at that now?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 11:01

He's taken it down because it's upset you. She's done it to be a bitch. Let it go.

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