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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am - but how to stop?

15 replies

2lsinllama · 10/09/2021 09:34

Long back story here but to keep it short I have just come out of a period of severe depression and alcohol rehab. Throughout all this I have depended on a particular friend, who I thought of as my best friend. She has been my rock and the only person who knows everything I’ve been through.
Last night we were at a group that she encouraged me to go back to. We were all chatting and she suddenly said that she is really looking forward to going out with her best friend ie not me. I was really hurt and when I got home all the negative thoughts came back. I feel like one comment has put me back masses of steps. I never had a best friend as a child and more than one person has said that me that me and this woman are as close as sisters.
I know I’m being unreasonable, childish even. But I can’t help how I feel. If anyone has been in a similar situation then I would really appreciate some advice.

OP posts:
AutistGoth · 10/09/2021 10:43

Mainly just bumping this for you, but I can completely get this. It's the kind kf thing that I would hear and over-analyse too.

I've never really had a best friend either. I'm that person who everyone replaces after a while.

Well done on your alcohol rehab. That is no small achievement. Flowers Cake Brew

Original poster
2lsinllama · 10/09/2021 11:58

Thank you. 3 weeks sober - longest time ever.

OP posts:
ManifestDestinee · 10/09/2021 12:00

Considering everything she has done for you it seems pretty churlish to think badly of her because she has another friend she is very close to,

Lweji · 10/09/2021 12:06

Best friends change.

She might still be your best friend (the best friend you have), but at the moment her best friend is not you, possibly because you have depended on her more than a mutual relationship.

It can easily change again.

Personally, I wouldn't classify people as "best friends" ever. Certainly not in public.
Retrospectively, I might consider someone as, say, my best friend in school, or something.

Darkstar4855 · 10/09/2021 12:09

I think it’s hard to have a true friendship when one of you is struggling with mental health and the other is being the “rock”. I’d try and focus on your recovery and hope that once you’re back on your feet a bit more, your friendship will improve and she may come to think of you as her best friend again.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/09/2021 12:25

I have more than one “best friend”. It’s a phrase that is not necessarily limited to one person (despite the grammatical implications!). But even if she does not consider you her “best” friend, she plainly values you very much to have supported you so well. Well done on your sobriety.

ChicChaos · 10/09/2021 12:35

Congratulations on your sobriety OP, that's a fantastic achievement.

It's a tricky situation you have, and it's one of the reasons that I always urge people to speak to the professionals rather than friends about this kind of thing. Easier said than done as MH support is not as good as it should be, but it doesn't put friends or family into the support role. If you have any support at the moment from counsellors or your GP do you feel able to speak to them about this?

Your friend sounds very loyal. Don't write her off just yet.

Cottagepieandpeas · 10/09/2021 12:53

Well done OP, you’ve done so well Flowers

I agree with PP about speaking to someone else about this and other feelings you are having. Do you have a counsellor / sponsor / mentor?

I’m sure there will be lots of feelings emerging now you’re starting to feel better. Talking to someone about them will help put them in context and not jeopardise your excellent progress.

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 12:59

If she had said “one of my best friends” would it have felt so bad?

I understand the feeling but you just have to sit with it, be patient and kind to yourself as you feel it, and then remind yourself that it’s OK, your friend does care about you and that hasn’t changed. Flowers

Daydrambeliever · 10/09/2021 13:00

I think we all need to let go of the notion of ”best friend”. Reframe it as ”I have good friends who have other good friends”. Good friends are enough. Why do you feel like you have to be loved above all others?

Sarahlou252 · 10/09/2021 13:21

'When your best friend has another best friend'
This has happened to me twice now and I agree it can be really hurtful. I can have a really good few hours chatting with who I consider my closest friend, feeling good for being so close, and then a couple of hours later something will go on social media that she tags her 'bestie' in.
Yes it's childish. Yes it's irrational. Yes I should enjoy the friendship for what it is. But yes I know exactly what you mean by a step back and I do find it a bit insensitive of them if I'm honest.

Sarahlou252 · 10/09/2021 13:24

@NoSquirrels

If she had said “one of my best friends” would it have felt so bad?

I understand the feeling but you just have to sit with it, be patient and kind to yourself as you feel it, and then remind yourself that it’s OK, your friend does care about you and that hasn’t changed. Flowers

This. Absolutely.
Winter2020 · 10/09/2021 13:39

Your friend has been a good friend to you through some challenging times. Perhaps now you are feeling a little better you could think how you could be a good friend to her. It's ok for her to have other friends - even "best friends". If things are improving for you try to spend some time with her that is light and fun - perhaps doing something that she likes. Thank her for her support when you needed it. I'm not suggesting you try to engineer "best friends" just show you are grateful for her support by being a good friend in return and allow her the space for other friends. Make sure you share the good times with her and not just the bad.

Original poster
2lsinllama · 10/09/2021 17:00

Thank you all for your thoughts. The alcohol rehab was more a medical supervision than anything else. I’m on the list for Mental Health help but, at the risk of sounding flippant, if you are not about to throw yourself off a bridge then it’s a very long list. Those of you who pointed out it’s not a balanced friendship are correct and that’s given me something to think about.

OP posts:
JovialNickname · 11/09/2021 10:12

Many congratulations on 3 weeks sober - that's incredible! As you know you will be really fragile in these early days and may find it difficult making sense of emotions, and other people. It all feels very new and raw. Sending you some Flowers

Your friend really didn't mean that she didn't value you, or love you as a friend. People can have lots of friends and lots of different close relationships.

I don't know if you've tried Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), but it teaches that thoughts do not always contain accurate messages, but if you don't stop to look at them, you can accidentally treat them as truth. Certain types of thoughts, called "cognitive distortions" are especially dangerous because they warp your perception of reality. One of these cognitive distortions is known as labelling, and the definition is " overgeneralizing to an extreme - taking a single event and using it to negatively label yourself". For example after forgetting to call someone back one time - I'm an awful friend. I definitely think this is what you are doing, does this kind of description of a negative thought pattern resonate with you? I'm not trying to preach or diagnose you, it's just that I do the same thing too.

Are you getting proper support with your recovery? It is amazing, but brutal in the early days. I have you have plenty of different kinds of support around you x

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