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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funeral attendance

16 replies

RareritySparkles · 10/09/2021 09:24

If you are not invited to a funeral directly is it ok to ask to attend? Or should you presume if your not volunteered the date and time then your not invited?

It's all so taboo with death in the UK. People dont really talk about it and it feels like therefore it's easy to do something rude. I'm more inclined to ask but the etiquette seems to be that if your family, your told. If everyone is welcome your told. So if your not told it's close family and friends only?

I dont want to be rude either way. I normally ask in this situation but in hindsight feel like that's wrong because most people would be uncomfortable saying no to most things including this

OP posts:
Aprilx · 10/09/2021 09:27

I have unfortunately been the organiser of four funerals in recent years. I didn’t issue any invitations, people that want to attend simply ask when the service is. Funerals are nearly always public services in the UK.

HeronLanyon · 10/09/2021 09:33

I’ve organised three funerals recently. One a 4 attendee only followed by a later huge memorial so that was strightforward invites to memorial went out with funeral ‘family only’ type message and I didn’t tell anyone about the funeral arrangements.
Second was in effect by invite but made sure all who I spoke to knew that all were welcome if there were people I had forgotten or hadn’t remembered to invite.
Third was largely by invite only as numbers were big and church small. A few people called me to ask if they could come and I said yes without fail but I hadn’t issued a general ‘come one come all’ message with this one.
If I weren’t invited to a funeral I would not attend unless I’d been in touch with someone. Also would feel family don’t need hassle of people getting in touch but actually it’s normal part of what you end up doing. I had calls and emails the morning of a funeral and just dealt with them.

TwoLeftElbows · 10/09/2021 09:34

Don't wait to be invited. Ask for the details and let the organiser know if you are planning to attend. If they don't want you there they can easily say "sorry no, close family only", but they'd likely still be touched that you asked. And it's more likely you'll be welcomed.

ThreeLittleDots · 10/09/2021 09:35

Funerals are NOT nearly all public services in the UK. Everybody is different and some wouldn't want people turning up uninvited. Best to ask.

fingerbuffet · 10/09/2021 09:36

I have never known anyone to be invited to a funeral. If you wish to attend you do.

fingerbuffet · 10/09/2021 09:39

Sometimes it is specified that the burial itself is private

gogohm · 10/09/2021 09:39

Generally (pre covid) it's not by invitation unless specified. If there's a general announcement via traditional media (paper announcement) or social media with the details then it's assumed anyone is welcome. Those which are family only will clearly state this. If you are concerned try calling the family or funeral directors to confirm you are attending

gogohm · 10/09/2021 09:41

@ThreeLittleDots

If it's in a church anyone can attend, at a crem it's slightly different but still I've never been invited, you just turn up

OldTinHat · 10/09/2021 09:44

All funerals I've gone to I've not had an invite to. I've just asked the family when it is because I'd like to pay my respects. I don't go to wakes though as that seems intrusive unless you're immediate family.

Babdoc · 10/09/2021 09:45

It doesn’t matter if the church is small. My own wee village church relays the funeral service on speakers for the overspill mourners standing outside.
It is normal for every available villager to go along and pay their respects - they usually line the street to the church, as the hearse arrives too.
One doesn’t issue “invitations” to a funeral, OP, merely publish the date and time and specify your wishes re flowers/donations.
Anyone who knew the deceased is usually able to attend and mourn as they wish, although the buffet afterwards is sometimes limited to family and close friends.

Stunnedscared · 10/09/2021 09:47

Saying ‘I’d like to attend if it’s possible, I’d like to pay my respects, when is the funeral?’ isn’t disrespectful and pretty normal. For mum we had to issue invites due to Covid restrictions but if someone asked we were pleased they wanted to come. We also had it webcast so it was good to let people know that option. Sometimes I did’nt ask because I didn’t want to put people on the spot and ask them to come in case they don’t want to… so if you ask the family I’m sure they’d be pleased.

I agree we are very bad at this in the UK. My DP died in his home country and the funeral mass was the normal daily morning mass, so we had family and friends as well as the usual congregation and tourists because their view there is he was part of the community and so people in the community join in the mourning and support. He had three services, a vigil, that funeral mass, and interment. Everyone was involved in at least one, talking about him, crying and reminiscing or just holding hands in silence. The structure of the process really helped me and his family get through the first couple of weeks.

Original poster
RareritySparkles · 10/09/2021 09:59

In both cases I was close to the bereaved person and aware of the death. Aware of the funeral but not specifically told the date or time. Both times I have asked and asked if I could attend. I hope it's not rude I'm really doubting myself now.

Dh family is Irish and it's all a bit more open and talked about. If someone he cares about dies he goes without a second thought. But my family is decidedly more weird around death. Which makes it hard to judge what the norm is

OP posts:
Dora26 · 10/09/2021 10:09

God, how different a little sea makes! Here in Ireland there is a funeral notice online and or in national newspaper. Everyone is welcome and in normal times hundreds attend. There are a small no of exceptions but these would be specific in the funeral notice - so no guesswork required

LindaEllen · 10/09/2021 10:24

Funerals don't tend to be invite only. If they are, it'll be stated on the announcement, usually.

If you want to go, you're obviously close to the person, so just ask a relative when the service is.

Aprilx · 10/09/2021 10:37

@RareritySparkles

In both cases I was close to the bereaved person and aware of the death. Aware of the funeral but not specifically told the date or time. Both times I have asked and asked if I could attend. I hope it's not rude I'm really doubting myself now.

Dh family is Irish and it's all a bit more open and talked about. If someone he cares about dies he goes without a second thought. But my family is decidedly more weird around death. Which makes it hard to judge what the norm is

No it’s not rude, it isn’t normal to invite people. As I mention I have organised four in recent years for very close relatives, I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would be offended by somebody wanting to pay their respects.
DayDate · 10/09/2021 10:41

In "normal" times a funeral is usually advertised via a death notice from the funeral director and/or in the local paper and everyone who wants to pay their respects can go.

During Covid funerals have had to be private (ie only open to those invited) because of the restrictions on numbers. Even then I've been to some (too many) where others turned out to line the coffin's route into the crem.

You don't usually get invited to a funeral.

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