To ask if people really are that unaware of their behaviour?

[BlossomOnTrees]

Just a so called friend constantly messing me around with plans and made a few rude comments to me here and there. I have backed off but bumped into her in Tesco earlier and she acted like nothing was wrong and kept asking me how I was.
Sometimes I see that in people. As in they will behave in difficult ways and expect me to be fine with it. If I seem unhappy they will assume it is something else and will keep asking how I am. I cannot in all seriousness believe that people are surely this self unaware?

None of us can possibly say on what you've written.

What you see as "a few rude comments" might be rude comments, or might have been misinterpreted in a message and there is no tone of voice / body language / facial expression.

What one person see as 'banter' another might perceive as 'rude'
What one might perceive as normal chat, another might be more sensitive and be upset by.

I regularly see comment on MN about (for example) "When someone tells you you are looking well, they are really saying you are fat / have put on weight aren't they ?", when that would never cross the person's mind and they are actually thinking you are looking well. There are loads of other examples. There was one a few days ago about replying on a WhatsApp with a thumbs up emotion. Most people hadn't a clue what the poster was on about until she explained, yet she was insisting putting a thumbs up meant "I'm not interested"

@Kite22

None of us can possibly say on what you've written.

What you see as "a few rude comments" might be rude comments, or might have been misinterpreted in a message and there is no tone of voice / body language / facial expression.

What one person see as 'banter' another might perceive as 'rude'
What one might perceive as normal chat, another might be more sensitive and be upset by.

I regularly see comment on MN about (for example) "When someone tells you you are looking well, they are really saying you are fat / have put on weight aren't they ?", when that would never cross the person's mind and they are actually thinking you are looking well. There are loads of other examples. There was one a few days ago about replying on a WhatsApp with a thumbs up emotion. Most people hadn't a clue what the poster was on about until she explained, yet she was insisting putting a thumbs up meant "I'm not interested"

Rubbish. As a society we have become too comfortable with putting the needs and behaviours of rude people before anything else.

I agree @Demelza82.
I think texts can come across rude in certain ways but I do agree with OP. Some people act in terrible ways, selfish and inconsiderate and then act as though they have done nothing wrong. It is a form of gaslighting to keep asking someone if they are well and fine when you know you have caused problems for them. Or on the other side, some people think they are entitled to act as they do and everyone else needs to fall into line. I try and avoid my interactions with these people as much as possible

I'm with Kite22 on this. Some things I see on MN leave me totally mystified as to how people make it through the day taking offence at every interaction they see as a perceived slight. Many threads about wedding invitations, social media posts, text messaging etc, the OP is up in arms about something that I wouldn't even notice.

Some things are genuinely rude. It's difficult to know where this stands. I suppose if you felt your friend was being rude, why not just say to her 'i was a bit hurt when you said X' or 'when you said Y I thought it was a bit rude, did you really mean that?' etc. Rather than ignoring her and then being all shocked when she speaks to you in Tesco (surely ignoring you at the shops would have been rude...?)

Well how do you expect her to act in the supermarket? I'd rather have a pleasant conversation with someone, even if we weren't close friends anymore. It'd be odder to blank each other surely? Can't be doing with friendship dramas though - costs nothing to be civil even if you're not friends.

Well if you aren’t going to be clear with your friend about what she has done wrong then you aren’t being fair to criticise her for not knowing that it’s her that has upset you.

Be an adult.

If I seem unhappy they will assume it is something else and will keep asking how I am.

Because you didn’t let them know why you were unhappy. If they mess you around or say rude things, tell them you’re upset by it.

Or, when you’ve ‘backed off’ and then they’re asking why you’re unhappy/if you’re OK, tell them then, instead. ‘I’m fine, Friend, I just got the impression you weren’t really up for meeting because you put me off last time so I’ve not tried to rearrange’ - or whatever the issue is.

The problem is really that so often we do not let people know that they have been rude.

I know someone who is often rude (not just to me)
I pull him up about 1 out of 6 times. Every time he reacts strongly. One thing he says is that this is 'just him' and people who know him well understand he isn't trying to be rude. Well I've knowm him for several years, and no, that is not an excuse, sometimes he really crosses the line.
I hold my ground, and finally he goes away and thinks about it and usually then apologises (I suspect after he has sounded off to his wife and she has told him he is unreasonable)

Everything is fine for a few months and then he does it again.

To be honest, I don't care, and would let it go, but he does it on a group whatsapp, and I know others are upset, but not brave enought o say anything.

We need to address rude behaviour properly, calmly and more often.

So when your friend messes you around, you need to say - you keep messing me around with arrangements and this is actually a pain, and it is pissing me off. I understand that plans change, but can we make a realistic plan, and then stick to it please.

For some, asking about your welfare is just a polite way of being when bumping into someone you know in a supermarket, even if your relationship isn't great.

For some, one of their methods of conflict resolution is to move on and act like nothing happened.

For some, they have a different level of 'banter' around certain type of comments and different ideas on 'messing around' vs 'plans change because life is messy' and may not see anything as wrong unless you tell them. Might be obliviousness, might just be a different frame of reference.

I know I'm more sensitive to comments, but not always good talking about it as a pp said, having people go off or say you should be more understanding of them being nasty can be wearing and make some apprehensive.

I'm also really lax about plans needing to change & rarely chase up to the point some view that as me not really caring when actually I tend to show my caring by trying to be understanding and as little bother as possible. I've something from early last month that I still need to reschedule

I cannot in all seriousness believe that people are surely this self unaware?

Why is this so hard to believe, you expected your friend to know your coolness was a consequence of her behaviour but you didn't actually tell her, you're then surprised she has behaved in an entirely normal way when you bumped into her.

Are you not self aware enough to understand you have expected someone to read your mind after you have projected motives onto their behaviour which might b completely inaccurate.

May be your friend is rude but you will never know for sure or get an apology if you don't mention it. Some behaviours may seem incredibly rude to some people whilst being entirely usual for others, visiting without prior arrangement would be one example of this and is often hotly debated on MN.

Of course most people are that self unaware! You only have to quietly sit and watch people in supermarkets, driving, at the GP surgery, in hospital, on social media, at school drop off, in pubs and restaurants, in queues etc to realise that most people are utterly on their own agenda. Everything is literally about them (and their family). We are not taught about collectivism or group consciousness much at all - the overwhelming narrative seems to be 'put yourself first'. I am not saying it's right or wrong because I don't know enough about everything to make that call. But look at the way people interact? Pretty much everyone is positioning themselves as number one. It's the way of the world.

I find the opposite, people seem more and more self-obsessed so they feel slighted when nothing has really happened, they feel the need to Express their every thought and let you know how they have been upset by your actions. In all honesty, most people have lots going on but some are.more resilient than others or they are more laid back so don't think that their actions are rude to begin with. Most of these rude behaviours referenced on Mumsnet would not even be on my radar in my daily life. I would certainly just have pleasant conversations with someone prickly that I bumped in to in a supermarket. I have a friend (?) that always post rationalises your behaviour towards her so is the kind of person that confronts you about insignificant things in entirely the wrong context. It is embarrassing and slightly paranoid and I feel it genuinely makes her unhappy when she doesn't need to be.